YAY! It turns out I wasn't the Axis Powers all along!

I played chess with my friend Chontel last week, and while formulating strategies in my mind for my knight, I noticed that it made the sign of a swastika!

Naturally I got really nervous that my chess army was made up of Nazis. Well up until the point when my opponent's king shot himself in a bunker.

It was almost cute at first; watching the king pull out a tiny pistol. Then it got disturbing once his checkered blood splashed about on my poor pawns faces. Needless to say, they haven't been the same since.

But that's not even the disturbing part of this tale. The disturbing part is me explaining to my nephews that an escaped Nazi rook is hiding in Candy Land!!

-a.

My jokes get an "F-"...well not really.

Since I posted about a failed submission with MAD magazine, I decided to show off my failed attempt at being a writer for a Mock-Astrology site for an ex-SNL writer. Most of the material on there is very current event, or political which is not me. So for the jokes I submitted I just looked up headlines on Yahoo.com and then quipped on them. Some I like, some I'm sort of "meh" toward and one I totally love!

1) According to fivethirtyeight.com Obama leads McCain by 15 points in Popular Vote. 6 more points and he just may become a level 3 president. New spells learned at this level include "Veto!". (I'll tell you now...this is the joke I love!)

2) The Bush administration may take control of certain U.S. banks to deal with the global credit crisis. They are basing this on their success on taking over IRAQ to deal with the WMD's crisis.
Pres. Bush went on to say quote: "You can bank on that!" then he chuckled a bit. (Meh, just meh)

3) Jamie Lynn Spears may be pregnant again, which would explain why you still find her UNATTRACTIVE! (I love bashing Celebrities, especially when I barely know who they are.)

4) McCain is once again told by another band [Foo Fighters] to stop using their song for his campaign. This Blog suggests the opening to Rites of Spring by Igor Stravinsky. It's catchy and dead men can't complain. (I was rocking Rites of Spring quite a bit then.)

5) 2 people have broken the world record for continuous movie watching. They watched 57 films in 123 hours and have had 0 dates since 6th grade.

6) Kim Kardashian was recently voted off Dancing with the Stars. I guess she'll go back to what made her famous in the first place, and make another sex tape. (My friend Chontel claims that this joke is "not me" but it was meant to be hurtful toward Kim Kardashian because as we all know she frequently calls me and I need her to get the hint.)

I guess to be fair to myself these jokes didn't necessarily fail. I got a reply a month later (from the ex-SNL writer) saying that my jokes were great and that I made it to the top 20 applicants but she chose someone else (which is a super nice thing for someone to let you know...seriously.) Then she said how she had a position opened for her advice column. I tried but I am awful at that. I just kept making witty remarks and references. It's obvious I didn't get that, but cool how I had a shot at least.


Well I hope this was at least not boring for you (whoever you are). Lates.

-a.

Your Loss Alfred E. Newman.

April of this year I was notified (through my own research) that MAD Magazine accepts submissions. So I decided to make a comic about the late Gary Gygax. But not in a mocking way. I wanted it to be lighthearted since he always seemed like such a nice guy, and he created a game I always wanted to play since childhood, but never had enough friends to play with (which is the ultra-combo of loser in life's Killer Instinct).

Well MAD magazine let me know that they had passed on my submission when they never replied (which it says they do on their website. So you are notified through the absence of conversation...sort of like a verbal manticore...or masticore). Now I like this comic way too much and refuse to let it die, I decided to give it home here at my desolate blog.

I hope you enjoy, but most of all I hope you can read my tiny writing. Sorry.

-a.

Happy Birthday Britney!!!

So today is my mom’s birthday and blah, blah,blah. People today is also BRITNEY SPEARS’ BIRTHDAY! And I for one am jazzed more than Karl Malone and John Coltrane combined! Some of you may think that I’m being cruel but I don’t see my mom making top 40 hits. I don’t see my mom writing lyrics like: “Now I’m stronger than yesterday.” And I don’t see my mom as much as I see Britney on TV!

Now here is where I speak out to my Brit-brit.

Britney I saw you on Good Morning America this morning and you were breathtaking. The most memorable moment was surely when the bakers unveiled your cake and the one baker shook your hand, wished you a "happy birthday", and you…you selfless person you, you gave him (gasp!) a kiss on the cheek. (Oh my stars what I wouldn’t give for a moment like that)

Britney you’re voice is like a gift from Galadriel herself; for you have been a guiding light through my most dark of times. (Screw off Shelob!!!)

Britney I assure you that when you first broke out onto the scene that I was NOT the guy working at Toys “R” Us being mocked for finding you repulsive. I also swear that I NEVER once claimed that your large, saggy eyes were reminiscent of an ill puppy. And finally I NEVER once stated that you look very much like an inbred.

In closing; Britney on every calendar I own I circle December 2nd in a red heart. But this year I will start tagging on an arrow through it for Cupid has surely struck my H-E-A-R-T with his arrow of L-O-V-E. Now please excuse me my dear while I draw the arrow onto the heart over 12/2/08.

OH MY!

My calendar also says that it is officially “opposite day” today. Well in that case: A Very Happy Un-Birthday To You MOM!

Love,
The Mad Hatter…I mean Adam…your son.

Call me Radagast!

Brad Pitt said he had some secret tattoos on the November 16th episode of Oprah and fans are searching the internet like wild imaginary pugilists who need to know this information so as that they may cure cancer.

That’s right this sort of information is so important and valuable that it actually will cure incurable diseases because well…it outweighs those woes of old.

I mean just think of it people what the hell is tattooed on Mr. Pitt? And where?!?!? Gosh just thinking about it is straightening my spine, thus ending my scoliosis. Thank you Bradley.

Does he have a Notre Dame tattoo? Or perhaps a tat of the Tazmanian Devil? Or maybe something as simple as “Mom” in a heart. Well whatever it is, it surely has resurrected my dead dog Behr. “Thank you so much Brad Pitt!” that is what my dog is saying right now, because the thought of your clandestine body art has given me E.S.P. with the animal kingdom. Just call me The Beast Master,…no wait he’s lame. Call me Aquaman…no wait he can only communicate with sea life. Call me Radagast! CALL ME RADAGAST!!!!

-a.

King of the Road?

So today I stabbed a guy to death.

It's not as outrageous as most people think. I was just sort of walking around the roads by my job, and this crazy guy was rambling stuff. Then as I approached him, I just fucking stabbed him to death...and for a second - a split second, I felt like the king of the road.

Then I remembered that Roger Miller is considered the "King of the Road". SO now I have to stab him to death. If you're reading this Mr. Miller you better watch yo' back sucka!

Disclaimer: stabbing someone to death is in no way considered cool. BUT being known as "King of the Road" is highly considered cool...so be sure to rule the road!

007 was 00 Scared

I didn’t own a computer until the year 2000. But that did not stop me from playing / obsessing over DOOM in 1993. I would constantly go over my friend Brett’s house to play the shareware version he had (which was about 7 floppy disks of shotgun toting excitement!). From there came DOOM II, Final DOOM, Quake, Duke Nukem , Resident Evil, GoldenEye etc. etc. etc. Any game that had you sporting a gun and freely shooting stuff deserved my time.

Thanks to those games and living a sheltered life; when asked my position on gun control I’d reply with: “Guns are cool!”. Clearly me and every southerner had 1 thing in common (outside of hating carpetbaggers!!!).

Come 2004 I visited my sister, Faith and her family in North Carolina for the birth of my middle nephew, Maxwell. At that time she was living in Camp Lejeune since her husband was a Marine. On our 4^th day spent over my sister, mom, and 2 nephews went out shopping while my dad, brother-in-law and I went to a local shooting range for some expensive fun.

The whole car ride there, all I could think of was owning a gun, and calling my friend Kristen over. Then as she’d open the door to enter I would re-enact the James Bond intro (where he walks, then suddenly turns and shoots first at the man who had him in his scopes). Naturally the gun wouldn’t be loaded and I just couldn’t help from laughing about how funny it would be for her to get scared from me playing 007.

(Now a brief lesson in age difference:

My 26 year old brother-in-law, Greg wanted to use a Glock because it was the new standard issue for an FBI agent. When he asked me what gun I wanted to use I said:

“I’d like a Berretta, please.”

“Why the Berretta? It’s small and not too strong.”

“Well I want to use it because that’s the gun they use in Resident Evil.”

“Ah.” He said. Knowing that I will forever be a loser, whereas I saw myself as cool as the Punisher for knowing that I would soon be holding in my right hand…a real gun!)

When I finally got my hands around that sweet, sweet piece of steel, I still felt cool, but scared. Sure everyone around me was playing by the same rules of “when the light is red you are to take out the clip and always aim your gun skyward while you walk to a different station.” Here I was 20 years old and all I had to do was just put the clip in, aim at a target and take fire…oh and be crazy. Luckily for everyone there and contrary to popular belief…I'm not crazy. But what scared me was that someone else there could very well be deranged and decide to do what I was only thinking of.

Luckily we made it out alive and I got to sport a Berretta just like Jill Valentine, sadly though I didn’t once think of myself as Chris Redfield, but that’s a totally different blog post all in its own.

Oh and in case you were wondering Kristen, after that day I no longer daydream of scaring you with an unloaded gun.

Enjoy!

-a. (a.k.a. 007)

Those Rebels Won't Escape Us

I once traveled to New Jersey with my friends to meet a brave soldier. His name was (and still is) Ken Colley, but always will be known to me as "Admiral Piett."

Before entering the convention all life forms are required to pay 25 credits as an entry fee, after handing over my money to the Klingon, I made sure to take in the nerd-scape. Soaking up the sights of fellow fans who have escaped from their parents basement to purchase items that will further their stay there, and then I found him. He was sitting there drinking a beer and eating a salad. I cautiously approached and in doing so I accidentally startled him. I wonder if it was because I was breathing heavy or because my heart was pounding, either way he certainly was freaked (and I am certainly out of shape). I then asked him to sign my two Star Wars CCG cards of him ("Captain Piett" and "Admiral Piett"). He obliged most humbly, and refused to charge me for his signature because he felt uncomfortable charging me $10 a piece for two small cards to be signed. He then said “if anyone asks, you gave me money.” Not only was one of the highest ranking officials in the Imperial Navy signing my cards and shaking my hand, but he was doing it for free, and sticking it to the people running the convention making him charge money.

I thanked him and walked away.

Sure there were tons of things I would’ve loved to ask him, but I wanted to ask Admiral Piett those questions, not Ken Colley.

Sure I could have asked questions like: “so how does it make you feel knowing that your nephew Captain Sarkli, was once a prominent member of the Rogue Squadron headed by non other than Luke Skywalker and Wedge Antilles?” or “During the Battle of Endor, did you want to go against Emperor Palpatine’s order of just trapping the rebels near the Death Star II and having the Superlaser Mark II pick them off? Or were you pleased with his wishes?”

Of course I want these questions answered. But instead of asking them and having an elderly man politely reply with “I do not know,” I’d rather keep these questions inside of me. Hidden far better than any Death Star plans ever were.

-a.

Episode IV: A New Hope

Hey all!

So I finally decided to not be so lazy and really start up a blog so as that I have some sort of writing samples in case I ever need to show them, and to keep flexing my writing muscle (don't take off your shirts yet ladies).

I honestly have nothing to really express here thus far, I'm sort of just doing this as an introductory post. So....ummm...Oh I recent-No! wait, you guys probably know that about me already. OH-no...never mind, that's barely exciting to anyone who isn't me. Dang writing a blog is hard.

Sooooo today I went to "Splish-Splash!" with my family (yes Adam, people like this, it's...relate able) and it was very packed there (keep going) . After lunch we split up and I went on some rides with my Uncle Lenny (oh yea story is building to a climax...punch it Chewie!) and we saw Amy Fischer on line for the Mammoth River ride! (Success, you've just got yourself some frequent bloggers for life!).

I didn't have my glasses on, but when I squinted I was 92% sure that it was Amy Fischer the other 8% goes to Tammy Pescatelli. I told my Uncle that we should take a picture and sell it to NEWSDAY but that requires effort for some talentless woman who got famous for "Attempted Murder". PSSSssshhh! She couldn't even pull off the job. Had she been in the mob she'd be so blacklisted from all the fine italian eateries in the tri-state area.

OK well this introductory post has taken a wild turn from "Hi, I'm Adam!" to me mocking failures who get the public's attention thanks to the public's warm embrace for vices.

So in closing....lates!

-a.