Most of you who know me, know that I love video games and anything geeky or collectible. But I've noticed a rise in a specific genre of video games since the days of Playstation 1 andNintendo 64, and that genre is "SUCK!". It started harmless with games like Parrapa the Rapper, War Gods and Forsaken, but is now flag shipped by Guitar Hero. No longer do kids need to have an urge to learn an instrument, they can just play "Smoke on the Water" while their little brother waits patiently to play "Carry on my Wayward Son" as his rockin' rebuttal. Sure, they could be getting a guitar and starting a real band in their garage, but why do that when you can have Mom and Dad buy you Rock Band (note: just as poisonous as Guitar Hero, but with three more instruments for three more American Idol wannabes) and then you can find three more friends from XBOX Live to play "Iron Man" with.
"Hey guys! I had such a surplus of star power when I was playing "Shout at the Devil" on the hardest setting last night.
That's every douche bag kid's introduction now in a school's cafeteria. No longer is it "Hey faggot, give me your lunch money!" (I'd like to take the time to say "farewell" to the junior high that I know...and that I love.)
What makes this hurt so much is that KONAMI started all this with the Dance Dance Revolution craze. They are the same company behind two of the greatest game series ever:
Castlevania and Silent Hill. These games have nothing but the coolest stuff is going down. Whether you're whipping Count Dracula or shooting crazy-ass creatures that stem from your inner guilt regarding your unsatisfied sexual desires you had while your wife lay bed-ridden on her deathbed1, all leads to the most intense gaming experience!
Now thanks to them, this lame ass trend has started with people putting songs that have been long dead, but for some reason keep getting radio play into a new mediums. If I wanted to hear "Rock 'n' Roll Hoochie Koo" I'd buy a noose and hang myself, so as that I never make the actual mistake of hearing that awful song.
Now this "theory" I have of why Guitar Hero sucks doesn't apply to all game genres; such as fighting games (i.e. Street Fighter, Guilty Gear, King of Fighters). You see I choose to play these games because dojos are determined to teach you the back story to every fighting stance, and try to coerce you into respecting a bunch of crap like trees and monkeys when they show you a roundhouse.
"I signed up to learn how to take a man's life while taking a nap! Not shake hands with a sunflower while it rains!"
That's me telling Sensei Carl how it's going down2.
So to sum this all up; please remember that cover bands are incredibly lame, and covering bad songs while not even playing a real instrument is far beyond lame. Seriously...stop it. I hate you Guitar Hero.
-a.
1 The ultimate cock-block.
2 Note: I kept out the part where Sensei Carl knees me in the stomach and kicks me out of his dojo.
