A Lesson in Love

I cherish the miracle of love and celebrate it daily (you heard me). But the lyrics to “Escape (The Pina Colada song)” by Rupert Holmes are atrocious. It is a smutty tune about a man unhappy with his current relationship who happens to read the personals in bed next to his sleeping lover (despicable!). He answers said want ad with his own and says for them to meet. The two indeed do, only to discover that his new lover is his current lover (the one he clearly cheated on while she was sleeping).

And neither of them see anything wrong with this!? They just laugh and “love” forever more. I for one never knew two whores could create such a bond of debauchery.

I haven’t even gotten to the most ridiculous part. The want ad speaks of liking pina coladas, getting caught in the rain, not liking yoga and having half a brain (oddly enough it doesn’t suggest having a soul. Hmm…).

This is all that is required for a lasting relationship? Alcoholic beverages, ignoring a good stretch, and taking a liking to precipitation? These harlots have a lot to learn about love; and I’m just the trained professional to guide them.

Rule #1:
Don’t respond to personal ads while in a current relationship (especially when your significant other is next to you in bed). This is just rude and skanky.

Rule #2:
Ask for more out of someone besides getting trashed and not exercising regularly.

Rule #3:
I cannot stress this one enough; please do NOT write shitty songs.

Now dear readers you are certified to “get biz-ay!”

-Prof. Adam

Mr. Richrath,You'll Never Be A Journalist With Songs Like This.

In the REO Speedwagon song Take It on the Run guitarist (and the song’s writer) Gary Richrath opens it with the line:

“I heard it from a friend who,

Heard it from a friend who,

Heard it from another you been messin’ around.”

I’ll ignore Gary’s poor use of the English language, with his omission of “have” between “you” and “been”. Also please look away from the missing “g” in “messin’.” Tsk, Tsk "rock star".

But what I cannot ignore is the fact that he wrote a whole song based on the most unreliable information in the world. His source is not primary, nor secondary, and on top of that this other person he doesn’t even know. He goes out of his way to not use the term “friend”. So Mr. Richrath is writing hit songs based on hearsay? Never has such a poor excuse for a Billboard Top song been done since the likes of The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia. You see in that song an innocent man is hanged based on weak evidence and a “make-believe” trial.

This message is not to my (very few) readers, but to all you song writers out there. Please gather more facts and evidence before you go all willy-nilly with half-truths and white lies. I beg of you, someone write a song that has a strong source, and lots of detailed information. For instance:

“Well my 83 year old Grandmother told me this morning (6/5/2009) at 9:12am that she witnessed a Male Caucasian in his mid-twenties hit and run a small dog (Golden Retriever, his name is ironically “Lucky” - which is not as ironic when compared to my dog’s name: ‘The best pedestrian in North America’. PS He’s a Collie.) This here car which has yet to be caught has a license plate of NH3-8541 and has a ‘How’s My Driving’ sticker on the bumper (which is very ironic).”

Is that so hard? Now let’s find the perp before I sell a gold record!

-a.