Another old stand up joke of mine.

I hate New year's Eve. It just gives people an excuse to drink a lot and count backwards.

-a.

A Message to James Cameron

Jimmy,

You've fucking done it again! First Terminator 3, and now Avatar.

Thank you!

-a.

An old Stand Up joke that works better as a Blog Post.

On the Elvis Impersonator page for Wikipedia.org it reads:

" 'True' impersonators believe that they are 'chosen' by the King to continue his work..."

It also states:

" 'True' impersonators don't 'do Elvis' for monetary gain, but as missionaries to spread the message of the king."

Talk about misinterpreting the Divine Right of Kings.

-a.

Alvin and the Chipmunks the Squekquel

If you like the hit song by Beyonce' "Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)" but always desired to hear her vocals at a much higher pitch, than this movie is for you.

-a.

Minions of the Playhouse

Costumes wandering,
making children peddle (in character).
Handing leaflets and speaking,
in predetermined tongues.

I won't buy what you're selling.

This is concrete,
not cobblestone!

Delicious Yuk-yuks!

The once-mighty Chicago Bulls blow the biggest lead in an NBA game in 13 years. They probably shouldn't have tried to learn how to moonwalk during the third quarter.

Russian hackers may have stolen tens of millions from Citibank, the Wall Street Journal reports. But isn't the Wall Street Journal an American periodical? This is just the Cold War all over again!

Iran's leader accuses the American government of an elaborate deception. He claims Obama put the "bop" in the "Bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop."

Phony calls from banks are just one tactic con artists use to trick the elderly out of their money. Shoving them to trigger their vertigo while stealing their purse is another strategy.

Elton John is known for his flamboyant style, which carries over into his Hollywood home. Say, you guys see Elton John's new house - neither did he. OH!...wait a sec.

I actually like two of the jokes today. I'd like to think of that as an improvement.

-a.

Better?

World's tallest teen girl (Marvadene Anderson) has been playing for just two months, and is already wowing coaches with how quickly she can change the lightbulbs in the hallways of her school.


Obama hails 'big victory' on health care with a crucial, middle-of-the-night test vote in the Senate that propelled the legislation toward final passage. Sadly, during Obama's "victory dance" he began wheezing.


The directors of "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" have expressed interest in making a film of "21 Jump STreet." Let's hope this gets greenlighted because then we're one step closer to "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" The Feature Film!!


Venezuela President Hugo Chavez wants to change what Angel Falls is called to "Splash Mountain!" He hopes by adding the exclamation point at the end, that he could avoid any legal issues with Walter Disney.


Nate Robinson believes his own coach doesn't want him on the Knicks. That's probably because Nate has been calling him "Eugene" when in fact his coach's name is "Mike."

More Spontaneous Jokes

Still trying to get through the cobwebs here:

Kardashian family's Christmas photo includes a celebrity they're not related to. I'll give you two hints; it's Opposite Day and it's not Dabney Coleman.

An airbrushed ad of former supermodel Twiggy leads to a government action because she had Mao Zedong watermarked on her ass. Models today think people look to them for political insight. Tsk, tsk.

A group calling itself the Iranian Cyber Army has hacked Twitter and an Iranian opposition website, replacing it with an anti-American message. The U.S. has plans to respond swiftly by hiring 7th graders to reply with "Iran is GAY!" on Obama's blog.

The Team Fortress 2 War updates have finally been revealed. Sadly, none of them include this game being completely altered to be Chrono Trigger.

The creator of “American Idol,” Simon Fuller, is developing a new reality show. No plots have been revealed yet, but it is safe to assume that it will include the mindless masses worshiping more useless people.

Better? I'll be better next week, I swear.

-a.

Jokes off the top of my head!

I'm going to try and do this as often as possible when I have nothing to write. It'll keep the creativity flowing (hopefully). All of these are taken from Yahoo.com

For five years, one company paid a six-figure salary to a candidate who actually rejected its job offer. What's more surprising is that he was fired for taking long lunches.

A four year old was suspended for having long hair. Parent's are outraged. They should calm down, because Rapunzel was locked away in a tower for many years and eventually whored herself to the first man who could climb up her window.

The Titans' Chris Johnson says he could outrun Olympic champion Usain Bolt. He also claims that he could kick the shit out of Robo Cop. And that's why he's my MVP!

Domino's says it's changing its pizza recipe in just about every way. They claim they are working on a --get this-- SQUARE pizza! You believe that?

Nicole Kidman had a make-up malfunction this past Tuesday. Sources say that she's been moonlighting as a children's birthday clown. By the way she makes a killer Naomi Watts out of a balloon.

I promise these will get better.

-a.

Sitting Down

It's been quite a while since I performed any stand up. I have tons of ideas, but for almost this entire year they all included a lot of work prior to getting on stage. Such as filming and editing a video, recording and editing voice work, and blowing up a picture of me on a 2 seated bike (I swear that I'm not crazy).

Lately I've been itching to get up on stage. But I've been busy with comedy related work that actually should lead to a job or money so it's not like I've been 100% lazy. Do keep your eyes peeled because one day soon the chairs will take a stand (that means I'll finally do some stand up shows).

-a.

Philosopher's on Trains: "Mr. Zip"

Last week I was jerked around by the great LIRR, and their infallible ways. When I was finally boarded onto a train, a man drinking some sort of alcoholic beverage (complete with a lemon wedge) decided to teach me of the Cash Advance business. While doing so he got side tracked by discussing a co-worker who is a play wright and who he believes is currently writing a play about the cash advance business (I'll certainly take two tickets to see that).

"Our" conversation went on like this for ten or so minutes until he switched gears to discuss how some people who live in Nesconset, never decide to travel to New York City, and how much of a shame that is. He also decided to lecture me on the design of the Norman Thomas Center, and how it was built to look like an IBM punch card.

It didn't end there! He also went so far to say that he remembers when he started out in advertising and they were pushing for people to use zip codes and they created a character named; Mr. Zip.

It was an exciting train ride for my brain, but sadly my mouth couldn't do more than speak: "oh yea?" "really?" "That's cool." "Haha!" "What can ya' do?" Then when those train doors opened my legs did their best impression of Prefontaine.

Ladie's Man?

Last night I was re-watching the Pilot to Freaks & Geeks and I noticed that I dance exactly like Sam does at the end of the episode. So it's quite clear at age 26, that I dance like an awkward 7th grader. I just hope my nephews don't ask me for dance tips once 8th grade comes around for them.

Philosopher's on Trains: "BITCH!"

I cannot believe that I forgot to share this story with you all last week. You see, I was waiting for the train to start moving, when young couple sat nearby and were talking sweet to one another. Which was fine, but things went sour seconds later:

He: "So you're going?"
She: "Yea. Well, with my mom."
He: "You're not going! I'll get off this train right now."
She: "I'm going with my mom, what's the problem?"
(He gets up and storms off the train--She gets up)
She: "I need my keys!"
He: I don't have your keys!"
She: Yes, you do!"

It went on this poorly acted for a while until they seemed to reconcile their "differences":

She: (inaudible)
He: "I AIN'T YOUR FRIEND, BITCH!"
(He storms off into a different seat 3 rows away--She immediately follows)

For the rest of the trip they were inseparable in each others arms.

I found that perplexing that day, but I recently spoke to someone who was describing the opening scene to Four Christmases (starring Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon) and they do something similar as their way of roleplaying (in a public area). So perhaps that's what these two lovebirds were doing. But what's weird is that then one of their fetishes is having someone be as illogical/annoying as a high school boyfriend.

Tiger (Woods) Uppercut!

"Can you believe what he did?"
"Where does he get off?"
"How dare you?!"
"I won't root for him."
"His wife is hot."
"Cheated!"
"Will he lose his sponsors?"
"How could he?"

WHO FUCKING CARES! HE IS NOT YOUR NEIGHBOR/FRIEND/RELATIVE. Find something else to do.

-a.

Airborne

I'm currently trying to fight off a cold and I've been swigging back some airborne and I do believe that this stuff works. If you can get past the dusty, muddy look of the "Zesty Orange" tablet, and if you can handle the flavor of watered down, crappy orange juice, than you can enjoy the 1,667% of Vitamin C that each tablet gives you of your daily requirement. NOTE: It also gives you a ton of other stuff that's good for you.

So whether you're sick or just sick of tasty drinks that give you ZERO vitamins, then bottoms up!

-a.

PS No, I am not a sponsor or spokesman for Airborne. I just like it.

As the World Turns (we miss "As the World Turns")

Are you kidding me, CBS?! You're canceling As The World Turns? Now what am I left to watch? The Bold and Beautiful? The Young and the Restless? First Guiding Light and now this?!

My grandmother and I are furious, CBS!

FURIOUS!!!!

This is a worse turn of events than when Kirk Anderson was dealing with that no good swindler; Umberto Malzone. Kirk felt so betrayed that he had murderous thoughts regarding Umberto. But Samantha discovered his evil scheme, so he kidnapped her, then that damn John Stenbeck shot dear Kirk and went to jail (where he belonged in the first place - bastard!).

See, I'll no longer have new memories of my favorite new characters like Carly or Rosanna. I'm left with old memories of worlds once turned. Curse you, CBS. I hope your ratings match how I feel; low.

ATWT FAN 4-LIFE,
adam.

Shoe Tying Wins game

Jarrett Jack, point guard, for the Raptors tied his shoe while in possession of the "rock," and no one on the Bulls team tried to stop him. They just watched in awe ("bunny-boy, bunny-boy, around the tree..."). Most Bulls fans are rather pissed and I don't blame them, because I can remember a time I won a chess match by dry heaving during my opponent's turn and his clock ran out of time. Sorry Vladamir, but you had it coming, buddy! Long story short, he was lynched by his home country...not my or my throat's fault.

Checkmate!
-Adam.

$ex $ell$

I'm a picky eater, but what I like to eat I could dine on everyday. Sadly for grapes with an AARP card, I don't eat raisins, they taste crappy to me. But all that's changed today!

I always thought I disliked raisins because they are just old, dried grapes. I now see that what Sun-Maid raisins were missing was a C-cup. I would eat her raisins all day.

Thank you, Sun-Maid, but next time you need to increase sales of your raisins you could add some chunks of bacon that feature sexy pigs with huge racks - mmmmmmmmmm...

-a.

Rock and/or Roll

My dad DVR'd the 25th Year Anniversary of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame on Sunday, and finally got around to watching it yesterday. Now I'm completely against classic rock in all it's aged, druggie, and lame forms but - I have to complain about one thing in particular; Fergie.

Why the hell was she even there? Who invited her? I can't help but wonder if the Hall of Fame people sent out invites to tons of artists and whoever were the first 32 to RSVP were the ones who got to be booked.

My Uncle was complaining that Jimmy Paige wasn't there, and rightfully so. He fits in much more with Crosby, Stills and Nash than Fergie. Hell, even Annie Lennox "belonged" there. She at least has a history in the business. Ferg's been in it for like what - 4 years?

Anyway, what's really weird is that for their 50th anniversary they'll probably have crap like Fallout Boy, Maroon 5, and Backstreet Boys performing...sickening.

-a.

Star Wars?

I don't understand how someone who creates an entire universe cannot keep track of the simple things within said universe. I was researching the status of the alleged Star Wars Live Action TV Series slated to be released 2012 (I remember when it was slated to be released 2010!!!) and I saw this quote from Mr. George Lucas himself:

"The Emperor and Darth Vader are heard about — people talk about them — but you never see them because it doesn't take place where they actually are. There are storm troopers and all that, but there are no Jedis [sic]."

Now I'm unsure what is worse; that I know George incorrectly pluralized "Jedi" or that he doesn't know that he did. If you look closer the person who jotted this quote down put a "[sic]" right next to "Jedis" so everyone but Mr. Lucas knows that he is wrong.

Wake up George!

In other news of Star Wars grammatical/spelling blunders, I cannot ignore that Brian Posehn mis-spelled "Wookiee" in the CD booklet for his album "Nerd Rage." Brian, you left off the second "E." No disrespect, I mean you do have a joke that references that Han shot first but just be mindful of the future (OH!). This was just a friendly observation followed by a "kudos!"

-a.

Yahoo's Top 10 Searches for 2009

10) Runescape: Apparently there is a free Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game or "MMORPG" (now you know--Dad!). Normally I'm against most new games because by default they suck, but I really appreciate the free aspect of this game. I don't play it, and no, not because I think I'm too cool for it. Why, just before I decided to write today's entry, I was researching HeroQuest.

9) NASCAR: Hahahahahahahahaha...

8) Kim Kardashian: I've already blogged my dislike toward this useless lady, but Yahoo claims people are Googling (is that possible?) her. Why they would want to waste their time reading up on her instead of reading my words is beyond me. I honestly cannot get over that she is a top 10 search subject. Shame on you America.

7) American Idol: It's seriously so hard to not have all of these share the same comment I put for #9. Judging from #8, it is safe to assume that America loves to research useless people.

6) Naruto: Hahahahahahahahahaha...seriously? I still think I'm cooler for researching a "dead" board game earlier!!!

5) Britney Spears: Still? Is America still that interested in her? Come on guys.

4) Megan Fox: I have yet to see a film of hers, but I can assure you as well as myself that it sucks. I don't see the whole hubbub about her. Her tattoos disgust me, but if I have to fill in a score card for her, I'd be forced to fill in something positive about her eyes. That's it!

3) WWE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...this list must be a joke. Quick history lesson, I loved wrestling from 87-91 maybe 92. Then I learned it was fake and Hogan wasn't around much so I ditched it. Came back in 98 and absolutely loved the art of it until 2000~2001. It's been a joke since. No wrestlers take risks anymore (thanks Vince) people like Rey Mysterio Jr. who were unbelievable in the 90's are no longer making jaws drop. It's sad. Now if #3 was FMW then yea, I could understand that. Thanks again America, enjoy watching John Cena bitch about not getting as good a parking spot as Randy Orton come Wrestlemania 26.

2) Twilight Saga: I don't see it. Yes, vampires are cool, and yes, Dawnson's Creek is cool, but they should never be mixed. Twilight sucks...get it? I wonder how many dad's said that terrible joke while waiting on the midnight showing line at the movies. My guess is "a lot."

1) Michael Jackson: if he didn't die he'd not be on this list. So Yahoo has taught me a few things about being noticed by America; make a sex tape, have big tits, or die.

I can make a sex tape, and die, but getting myself a nice rack may be tough to pull off, especially if they get in my way of typing what I'm aiming to be the top search of 2010; HeroQuest. 20 years late is a lot better than being popular for only this year--right Kim?

-a.