Not Canon!

LA Times reported that a man dressed as Darth Vader and robbed a bank in Setauket, NY.

He's very lucky that I wasn't there because I would've been complaining that:
1) Lord Vader doesn't use any weapons besides the force and his lightsaber--let alone a handgun.
2) He should've cosplayed as a Stormtrooper since they carry blasters (at the very least).
3) I feel as if your peripheral vision is completely shutdown when wearing that mask and totally would've kicked his ass for disgracing not just the Star Wars Universe but also one of the greatest villians of all time. To turn a great warrior who fell from grace and is hunting his very son and daughter into a petty thief is one of the lamest things a person could do. Well, besides nitpicking the geeky flaws in said lameness.

Tsk, tsk, dude. You're a traitor and part of the Rebel Alliance. Take her away! I mean him--him!

-a.

Well, I finally Found 1 Place to Never Visit in the Star Wars Universe

A bunch of old, skanky women decided to pervert Star Wars and re-imagine a host of characters as old and skanky (work with what you know). They have tainted the following characters:
C-3Po
Princess Leia (in her slave outfit -- surprise!)
Jabba the Hutt
Darth Vader
Boba Fett
and a Stormtrooper (they never specify if it's Corporal Drazin, Trooper Davin Felth or TK-421 -- or 422 for that matter)

I've never understood when people decide to slut up something (like Simpson porn) but this is mind boggling. Why ruin something that is already hanging by a thread thanks to it's greedy and moronic creator? Let sleeping gundarks lie, am I right?

Star Wars?

I don't understand how someone who creates an entire universe cannot keep track of the simple things within said universe. I was researching the status of the alleged Star Wars Live Action TV Series slated to be released 2012 (I remember when it was slated to be released 2010!!!) and I saw this quote from Mr. George Lucas himself:

"The Emperor and Darth Vader are heard about — people talk about them — but you never see them because it doesn't take place where they actually are. There are storm troopers and all that, but there are no Jedis [sic]."

Now I'm unsure what is worse; that I know George incorrectly pluralized "Jedi" or that he doesn't know that he did. If you look closer the person who jotted this quote down put a "[sic]" right next to "Jedis" so everyone but Mr. Lucas knows that he is wrong.

Wake up George!

In other news of Star Wars grammatical/spelling blunders, I cannot ignore that Brian Posehn mis-spelled "Wookiee" in the CD booklet for his album "Nerd Rage." Brian, you left off the second "E." No disrespect, I mean you do have a joke that references that Han shot first but just be mindful of the future (OH!). This was just a friendly observation followed by a "kudos!"

-a.

The Phantom Menace

The Year was 1999. The world was preparing for the “turn of the millennium” with Bill Clinton at the helm of USS USA. “Y2K” was all the buzz. But some people did not care for these things. Some people were too distracted with their extreme excitement for the coming of a new age. A new age that would not take us forward in time, but back in time; to an age of before where we are currently at. Yes I am speaking of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

No one was ready for the coolness that this film was going to exude, and future films of coolness that those originally exuded coolness fumes would exude.

I went with my friend (and fellow Star Wars nerd) Joey and his sister Janette. We went to the Commack theater on a Saturday afternoon expecting nothing but the coolest experience ever. Normally during a Star Wars film I’m not paying too much attention to my snacks, but this film was a special case. I found myself bored out of my mind and eating an entire large bag of popcorn to erase the moments of the Galactic Senate bickering, and the rest of the medium popcorn shared by my sibling friends to get through that damn podrace on Tatooine.

Well once that podrace was over I thought for sure that the film was too, but wait--what was this? A battle between the Gungans of Naboo and the droid army that no one gives a shit about?

WOW! Show me more please.

WHAT!?

We get to see a young Darth Vader single-handedly and accidentally shoot down the blockade flagship (Saak’ak) while paling it up with R2-D2? Incredible! That has to be the climax of this movie. No? A duel of the fates you say? Darth Maul versus a young padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi and his Jedi master Qui-Gon Jinn? The only thing that can make this movie cooler is the addition of kung-fu in a lightsaber duel. YESSSSS!

That was the only thing lacking in a lightsaber duel. A glowing fucking sword that hums awesomely while glowing and cutting/cauterizing anything it touches (save another lightsaber blade) was lacking something and Lucas knew what it was…kung-fucking-fu!

So I’d just like to take some time out and thank Mr. George Lucas for making up for the things that the original trilogy was lacking:

1) Kung-fu

and

2) Politics.

I say, nothing gets me more pumped than an argument over trade routes and blockades. Why, the last time I watched C-SPAN I was so overwhelmed with adrenaline that I ran down my block and slayed a family of four.

-a.