Another Favorite TV Scriptwriter

Robert Carlock, you, sir, are a genius. I absolutely love the episodes you wrote for 30 Rock as well as your brilliant Star Wars references.

Only a brave man would reference Captain Needa. A man as brave as Jek Porkins was at the Battle of Yavin when he manned his X-Wing (Red 6) knowing full-well that he skipped his last inspection.

You are an inspiration, Mr. Carlock.


Kisses and hugs and all of the above,
Adam.

Burt Reynolds Banthas and Banjos

Since the Banjo instrument is synonymous with Duelin' Banjos (the theme from Deliverance), is it also synonymous with forced sodomy? If so, then I wonder if banjo players across the globe spend their downtime wishing that John Williams scored The Empire Strikes Back with a banjo. Of course then the Banjo would be synonymous with incest. Although, orchestras are not synonymous with incest and they were in fact used to score The Empire Strikes Back.

Perhaps the problem here is just the banjo.

Oh well.


Low on ideas,
Adam.

I got $200 on the North!

If you ignored the article on Anne Hathaway's new hair and found this one, I applaud you for not being a douche.

Apparently some PA citizens are all for a casino to be built in Gettysburg, but they seem to not understand how rabid and obsessive Civil War preservationists are. They are second to only Star Wars nerds. Which makes me so proud to assume that this may be the one time that people with power (a.k.a. greedy people) will lose to knowledgeable geeks. Analogy = C-3P0 defeating Jabba the Hutt. Yeah, it's pretty hard to imagine and believe.

Muskets over money,
Adam.

Not Canon!

LA Times reported that a man dressed as Darth Vader and robbed a bank in Setauket, NY.

He's very lucky that I wasn't there because I would've been complaining that:
1) Lord Vader doesn't use any weapons besides the force and his lightsaber--let alone a handgun.
2) He should've cosplayed as a Stormtrooper since they carry blasters (at the very least).
3) I feel as if your peripheral vision is completely shutdown when wearing that mask and totally would've kicked his ass for disgracing not just the Star Wars Universe but also one of the greatest villians of all time. To turn a great warrior who fell from grace and is hunting his very son and daughter into a petty thief is one of the lamest things a person could do. Well, besides nitpicking the geeky flaws in said lameness.

Tsk, tsk, dude. You're a traitor and part of the Rebel Alliance. Take her away! I mean him--him!

-a.

Hotter than Tatooine

Found this awesome link on Digg.com

It contains sexy pics of Star Wars sand sculptures. Kudos to all involved, but I must give my personal approval to the two sculptures of Jabba. It's just too apropos for the sand.

On that note--Happy Father's Day, dads!
-a.

Justified Rambles

Super Pals Mike and Tim suggested I join a site called Aardvark (vark.com). It's a site that lets you sign up and claim expertise on specific topics. then people from around the globe ask you questions that are germain to your areas of expertise. You then answer them back and get evaluated on how helpful/knowledgeable you are.

My areas of expertise are: Star Wars, Comedy and Lord of the Rings. Just recently I realized that I could add LOST; and did. This morning I awoke to find that a man from Canada asked me what the ending to LOST was. I was hesitant to tell him and told him he should really watch the series. I figured he wouldn't but felt like talking about LOST anyway so I wrote for over an hour straight (leaving out sub plots).

I love you, aardvark, you make it necessary for me to lecture about things I love and can no longer speak about in front of my non-geeky friends.

-a.

Well, I finally Found 1 Place to Never Visit in the Star Wars Universe

A bunch of old, skanky women decided to pervert Star Wars and re-imagine a host of characters as old and skanky (work with what you know). They have tainted the following characters:
C-3Po
Princess Leia (in her slave outfit -- surprise!)
Jabba the Hutt
Darth Vader
Boba Fett
and a Stormtrooper (they never specify if it's Corporal Drazin, Trooper Davin Felth or TK-421 -- or 422 for that matter)

I've never understood when people decide to slut up something (like Simpson porn) but this is mind boggling. Why ruin something that is already hanging by a thread thanks to it's greedy and moronic creator? Let sleeping gundarks lie, am I right?

I'm glad Congress couldn't save beeps or else there'd be a lot of 143's to catalog.

Digg.com had this story about how every tweet will be (and currently is being) cataloged by the library of Congress.

Now every drunk who decided to tweet a string of random swear words to his equally drunken friend will have their "conversation" preserved until the end of time.

And I used to respect that the Library of Congress deemed Star Wars prevalent enough to mankind that it be preserved in their vault.

Or maybe I'm just jealous that I don't have a cell phone and cannot text "Dizzy dick, fart splash on a shitty window sill" and have my children's children's children look it up on a whim while they attend Mars University.

:(

-a.

Byager! ("Victory!" in Trandoshan a.k.a Dosh)

This morning gave birth to the results for the top movies viewed this past weekend, and rightfully so m'lady Jennifer Aniston's film, The Bounty Hunter, has failed to be the #1 weekend movie. Alice and Diary of a Wimpy Kid stole the money and show.

"Why did Aniston's film flop?"

Great question, you see, Most people like myself probably assumed that Aniston's film was solely about the bounty hunters from the Star Wars universe (i.e. Dengar, IG-88, Zuckuss, 4-Lom, Bossk, Boba Fett, Danz Borin, Feltipern Trevagg, Greedo, to name a few). Obviously by Aniston's film being ranked #3, there were no signs of The Hound's Tooth zooming by, or any scenes featured on Ord Mantell.

You blew it, baby. You blew it big time, like Death Star explosion big time. (sorry, Emperor)

-a.

Oscar Buzz!

Last night I watched two episodes of the Critic and a match between Big Van Vader and Cactus Jack (from Saturday Night 4/17/1993) and not once did I think of tuning in to the Oscars.

Now, I don't watch award shows because I hate main stream things (Dad!!!) or because I'm too cool (believe me, my bookshelf will kill that hypothesis). I just don't care about new movies, or what actors won what and why.

I pretty much like 10 or so films. Here they are:

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
The Matrix
The Matrix Reloaded
The Matrix Revolutions
Mulholland Drive
Ed Wood
Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure
Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey
Reservoir Dogs
Shawshank Redemption
The Hudsucker Proxy

If an award show movies doesn't discuss these films then I'm not interested in it. Screw you, modern day!

-a.

I am much healthier than my computer.

My computer got a damn virus today. It's more than likely my fault for constantly downloading Dreamcast ISO's and mp3's (I seriously have a problem with loving bootlegs too much). Now I've been downloading as many free anti-anything softwares as I can. I seem to have the virus at bay (sort of).

But while combating this digital disease, I keep wondering; "Did R2-D2 ever start to operate at a much slower speed due to a virus?" I'd have to assume that R2 has a great chance and that's because he was never updated after Episode IV: A New Hope. Luke wanted it like that so R2 and Luke's X-Wing (Red 5) would operate at a greater rate/speed and never lose that "connection."

Sorry for the tangent. I'll get back to fighting evil one's and zero's.

-a.

Curse you, Titanic!!!!!....STILL!!!!!!!

Things are quiet over here. Not much to do or say after you celebrated your 100th post three days ago. Nothing new in the news either; Jets lost, and people are buzzing about Avatar still.

Apparently Avatar is only $2 million behind James Cameron's other boring movie; Titanic, and the Americas cannot stop gossiping about it.

Is there anyone who is still mourning the sad fact that Titanic beat out Star Wars all those years ago? Am I the only Snow Trooper who stayed behind on Hoth?

Echo Base is a lonely place when you got nothing but Wampas hanging about.

Star Wars?

I don't understand how someone who creates an entire universe cannot keep track of the simple things within said universe. I was researching the status of the alleged Star Wars Live Action TV Series slated to be released 2012 (I remember when it was slated to be released 2010!!!) and I saw this quote from Mr. George Lucas himself:

"The Emperor and Darth Vader are heard about — people talk about them — but you never see them because it doesn't take place where they actually are. There are storm troopers and all that, but there are no Jedis [sic]."

Now I'm unsure what is worse; that I know George incorrectly pluralized "Jedi" or that he doesn't know that he did. If you look closer the person who jotted this quote down put a "[sic]" right next to "Jedis" so everyone but Mr. Lucas knows that he is wrong.

Wake up George!

In other news of Star Wars grammatical/spelling blunders, I cannot ignore that Brian Posehn mis-spelled "Wookiee" in the CD booklet for his album "Nerd Rage." Brian, you left off the second "E." No disrespect, I mean you do have a joke that references that Han shot first but just be mindful of the future (OH!). This was just a friendly observation followed by a "kudos!"

-a.

Rebels vs Imperials 1997

2:30 pm in the middle of the summer. The sun was shining, and pools were flowing, begging for those who sweat to keep them company. It was the perfect day to hide from society in my damp, furnished basement. Joey Saladino and I made plans to play Star Wars Customizable Card Game (SWCCG) for the afternoon. We shuffled our decks (he was dark side, and I was stuck as light side), we then cut each others deck, and set up our starting locations. I then proceeded to go first (since Joey started with the Death Star system, allowing the Light Side to go first this game).

I started with the Hoth: 1st Marker Main Power Generators and the 4th Marker. So I was safe (for now). I deployed an Echo Base Trooper to the 1st Marker and a Y-Wing to the 4th Marker. Drew a card and ended my turn.

He deployed the Death Star: Conference Room and someone like Admiral Motti to there also. He then drew the top card of his reserve deck and said “go.”

I activated my force and force drained him for one with my Y-Wing, then conceded my turn.

Joey activated force and magically deployed two (yes, two!) Victory-Class Star Destroyers. I questioned him on it and he dismissed my reluctance to believe his maneuver. I asked again how he could deploy two Star Destroyers when he could only generate six force a turn and he had already spent about three from his first turn leaving a total of seven force to pay for deployment (because of the remaining one force from his first turn), and then somehow deploying two Victory-Class Star Destroyers which each cost six force.

I then had to physically show him the debt of force he had by rummaging through his used pile. He then responded with “ALRIGHT! I won’t deploy them OK? It’s going to happen anyway so I don’t know why you’re complaining?”

“WHAT!? I’m ‘complaining’ because you deploying both of those starships causes me ten damage, that is 1/6 of my deck. By not letting you cheat, I’m saving…”

Joey then interrupted: “ALRIGHT! I won’t deploy them. It’s your turn.”

(we proceeded to play and regardless of who won [Joey] it was a heated battle between the Rebels and the Imperials on the frozen planet of Hoth in the hot summer of 1997).

I'm a Traitor to Myself.

Growing up I watched an astronomical amount of TV. If it was a cartoon, I was there. If it was what I perceived as a funny sitcom, I was there. But the days of Stunt Dawgs, Empty Nest, and Wings couldn't last forever. Sure I had Seinfeld, News Radio, and Batman the Animated series to keep me company when I lost my original old friends but it wasn't enough. So when high school ended so did my TV viewing. It dropped steadily until around 2003 or so where all I watched were DVD's (pretty much just the Star Wars and Matrix trilogies). When someone would ask: "Hey, do you watch that show where people eat bugs?" I could proudly say that not only did I not watch that show, but television as a whole could not capture my attention. I was proud to rebuke such an absolute in 98% of America's lives.

I was watching two shows Arrested Development, and the Office. Life was good. It was simple. But then I decided years later to aspire to be a comedic writer for TV, movies or another medium that I couldn't stand. At first it was simple and innocent: "I'll write a spec script for the Office, because I already watch and like that show." But then it snowballed: "I happened to catch an episode of Big Bang Theory, and it was really funny. I'll write a spec script of it, and I'll need to watch the show to stay current, and obviously laugh - which is an awesome fringe benefit."

After the Office, and before Big Bang Theory, I fell for the greatest show ever...LOST. It was natural for me to obsess over this outstanding show. It gives you little hints, and features such cool things as: bunkers, creepy cabins, time-travel, and cool jumpsuits! But after viewing that I wondered if I would like Flash Forward. So I TiVo that now -have yet to see it- I also watch Heroes, Community, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Bored to Death, Parks & Recreation, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and The Colbert Report.

Fastforward to this morning, I mentioned a great show to a friend and realized the number of TV shows I now watch has breached 3. So if I find the time to get away from my computer or TV set and meet up with a person who asks me: "Hey! Have you seen the season premiere of Big Bang Theory?" I must sadly reply with: "Yes I have, and I'm glad I have something to watch after Heroes."

The Phantom Menace

The Year was 1999. The world was preparing for the “turn of the millennium” with Bill Clinton at the helm of USS USA. “Y2K” was all the buzz. But some people did not care for these things. Some people were too distracted with their extreme excitement for the coming of a new age. A new age that would not take us forward in time, but back in time; to an age of before where we are currently at. Yes I am speaking of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

No one was ready for the coolness that this film was going to exude, and future films of coolness that those originally exuded coolness fumes would exude.

I went with my friend (and fellow Star Wars nerd) Joey and his sister Janette. We went to the Commack theater on a Saturday afternoon expecting nothing but the coolest experience ever. Normally during a Star Wars film I’m not paying too much attention to my snacks, but this film was a special case. I found myself bored out of my mind and eating an entire large bag of popcorn to erase the moments of the Galactic Senate bickering, and the rest of the medium popcorn shared by my sibling friends to get through that damn podrace on Tatooine.

Well once that podrace was over I thought for sure that the film was too, but wait--what was this? A battle between the Gungans of Naboo and the droid army that no one gives a shit about?

WOW! Show me more please.

WHAT!?

We get to see a young Darth Vader single-handedly and accidentally shoot down the blockade flagship (Saak’ak) while paling it up with R2-D2? Incredible! That has to be the climax of this movie. No? A duel of the fates you say? Darth Maul versus a young padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi and his Jedi master Qui-Gon Jinn? The only thing that can make this movie cooler is the addition of kung-fu in a lightsaber duel. YESSSSS!

That was the only thing lacking in a lightsaber duel. A glowing fucking sword that hums awesomely while glowing and cutting/cauterizing anything it touches (save another lightsaber blade) was lacking something and Lucas knew what it was…kung-fucking-fu!

So I’d just like to take some time out and thank Mr. George Lucas for making up for the things that the original trilogy was lacking:

1) Kung-fu

and

2) Politics.

I say, nothing gets me more pumped than an argument over trade routes and blockades. Why, the last time I watched C-SPAN I was so overwhelmed with adrenaline that I ran down my block and slayed a family of four.

-a.

Those Rebels Won't Escape Us

I once traveled to New Jersey with my friends to meet a brave soldier. His name was (and still is) Ken Colley, but always will be known to me as "Admiral Piett."

Before entering the convention all life forms are required to pay 25 credits as an entry fee, after handing over my money to the Klingon, I made sure to take in the nerd-scape. Soaking up the sights of fellow fans who have escaped from their parents basement to purchase items that will further their stay there, and then I found him. He was sitting there drinking a beer and eating a salad. I cautiously approached and in doing so I accidentally startled him. I wonder if it was because I was breathing heavy or because my heart was pounding, either way he certainly was freaked (and I am certainly out of shape). I then asked him to sign my two Star Wars CCG cards of him ("Captain Piett" and "Admiral Piett"). He obliged most humbly, and refused to charge me for his signature because he felt uncomfortable charging me $10 a piece for two small cards to be signed. He then said “if anyone asks, you gave me money.” Not only was one of the highest ranking officials in the Imperial Navy signing my cards and shaking my hand, but he was doing it for free, and sticking it to the people running the convention making him charge money.

I thanked him and walked away.

Sure there were tons of things I would’ve loved to ask him, but I wanted to ask Admiral Piett those questions, not Ken Colley.

Sure I could have asked questions like: “so how does it make you feel knowing that your nephew Captain Sarkli, was once a prominent member of the Rogue Squadron headed by non other than Luke Skywalker and Wedge Antilles?” or “During the Battle of Endor, did you want to go against Emperor Palpatine’s order of just trapping the rebels near the Death Star II and having the Superlaser Mark II pick them off? Or were you pleased with his wishes?”

Of course I want these questions answered. But instead of asking them and having an elderly man politely reply with “I do not know,” I’d rather keep these questions inside of me. Hidden far better than any Death Star plans ever were.

-a.