Mr. Richrath,You'll Never Be A Journalist With Songs Like This.

In the REO Speedwagon song Take It on the Run guitarist (and the song’s writer) Gary Richrath opens it with the line:

“I heard it from a friend who,

Heard it from a friend who,

Heard it from another you been messin’ around.”

I’ll ignore Gary’s poor use of the English language, with his omission of “have” between “you” and “been”. Also please look away from the missing “g” in “messin’.” Tsk, Tsk "rock star".

But what I cannot ignore is the fact that he wrote a whole song based on the most unreliable information in the world. His source is not primary, nor secondary, and on top of that this other person he doesn’t even know. He goes out of his way to not use the term “friend”. So Mr. Richrath is writing hit songs based on hearsay? Never has such a poor excuse for a Billboard Top song been done since the likes of The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia. You see in that song an innocent man is hanged based on weak evidence and a “make-believe” trial.

This message is not to my (very few) readers, but to all you song writers out there. Please gather more facts and evidence before you go all willy-nilly with half-truths and white lies. I beg of you, someone write a song that has a strong source, and lots of detailed information. For instance:

“Well my 83 year old Grandmother told me this morning (6/5/2009) at 9:12am that she witnessed a Male Caucasian in his mid-twenties hit and run a small dog (Golden Retriever, his name is ironically “Lucky” - which is not as ironic when compared to my dog’s name: ‘The best pedestrian in North America’. PS He’s a Collie.) This here car which has yet to be caught has a license plate of NH3-8541 and has a ‘How’s My Driving’ sticker on the bumper (which is very ironic).”

Is that so hard? Now let’s find the perp before I sell a gold record!

-a.

Watch The Hair, Man Part 2

“Who knew I had so much influence and that my words and opinion mattered so much to so many people!?!?! HA HA HA I’ll be the first to admit that my opinion is just that, only my opinion, but for as much as some of the bloggers seem to dislike me and care so little about my thoughts, they sure can waste a lot of their space on what I say! If only many of them took the time to pay attention to important things like the US economy and the welfare of the world’s children. But… nah… I could blog about that type of stuff anytime and most wouldn’t think twice, but let me say something that they can pick and choose quotes and misinterpret me… and it’s showtime! I never assumed my opinion mattered so much! I guess I may have been wrong.”

Yet again my blog post starts with a Shit Licker (see yesterday’s post) quote. I must go on to say that your opinions don’t matter, and that YOU are always wrong! Except for your last part there about how no one would think twice about your opinions on the US economy and the like, and there are 2 reasons for this: 1) you are not a member of office. And 2) because these “important things” couldn’t be more trivial when compared to the events involving The Adam Lambert.

What makes this hurt Shit Licker; is the fact that I was hurt when you were considered the runner-up to that hoagie Reuben Studdard. I had just as passionate posts on my old blog: “Breaking the Mold – The Clay Aiken blog” but I took that puppy down once I saw The Adam Lambert’s rockin’ rendition of ‘Ring of Fire’. So if anyone is to be the most hurt by your dagger-like words it’s me. I was there for you when you were cheated out of the prestigious American Idol title, and now (and forever or until they announce the 2010 Idol) I will be with The Adam Lambert as he reaches for the stars and gets a handful of the moon.

So as you can see I’ve been anything but idle since this past week’s Idol. I’ve been stewing about in the cauldron of my home angry over these hurtful, hateful and heinous words directed toward The Adam Lambert. Like I said, him “losing” to that non-Adam Lambert guy and you speaking poorly of his performance is just adding insult to injury (like messing a man’s hair in a fist fight).

Any who folks I truly apologize for my recent vulgarities, but someone needs to stand up to the “haters” and the “shit lickers” like Shit Licker himself. I can also sadly see that no one has performed a Clayality upon Mr. Licker and so I must end this with the same warning as yesterday: “Watch the hair, man”.

-a.

Watch The Hair, Man

“I happened to turn it [American Idol] on during the minute that Adam Lambert was singing ‘Ring of Fire’ and, at that moment, thought my ears would bleed.”

That folks, is a quote from the world’s largest shit licker: Clay Aiken. He goes on to say other false opinions regarding The Adam Lambert such as: “Not my cup of tea.”

Why not Clay? Is it because he isn’t filled with shit, you lame-ass, Pee Wee Herman looking shit licker? From now on your nick name around here will be based on your biggest hobby. Since you love to lick shit, your nick name shall forever be: Shit Licker!

Now I don’t need to tell you how upset, appalled, hurt, angered, used, defiled, and above all else defeated I feel after this week’s American Idol finals. The powers that be (worthless execs at FOX and the dumbest members of this nation) chose this year’s Idol to be some guy (with bad hair) who I refuse to say his name because he is NOT The Adam Lambert. This non-Adam Lambert is a simple “Pub Performer” (yea I said it) with bad hair, (yea I said it again!) and enjoys nothing more than to steal the spotlight with his half-assed performances. I for one cannot believe that the judges* didn’t try to veto this outrageous decision.

And now Shit Licker’s statements regarding The Adam Lambert are only adding insult to injury (like messing someone's hair in a fight). How would you like it Shit Licker if your favorite human being lost something (like their life) and all I had to say about it was that said person was “not my cup of tea.” You’d be an angry shit licker, wouldn’t you Shit Licker?

In mock of your real name and so as that I may reference ClayFighter; I hope someone soon performs a Clayality upon you. So beware of any Bad Mr. Frosty’s or Blue Suede Goo’s coming your way. And above all else Shit Licker: “Watch the hair, man!”

-a.

*After this year’s finale I believe that we have irrefutable proof that these "judges" have literal “Shit for brains”. Never has there been such a travesty unleashed upon this great nation . Yep, this is even worse than that time Sanjaya was voted off.

Fresh Baked Celebrity Gossip! MMMMmmmmm...

I am sick and tired of having to hear the latest gossip and rumors of my favorite celebrities. That is why I have decided to just invent my own rumors and watch them spread faster than any bullet pattern in ESPGaluda!

First up Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay was spotted at Bea Arthur's funeral this weekend and suffice to say, LL farted. She claimed it was an innocent case of “Beer Gas” but Orson Wells feels different.

(NOTE: In my universe of Celebrity Gossip, when a star dies another star is reborn for only a day and a half)

Orson claims that Lindsay has “gone too far”. One can only wonder if he means with her career or with her smelly style of socializing.

I got to chat with the once late Orson Wells in his final moments (remember the day and a half rule). Orson said that he spent most of his second time on Earth trying to help people remember that he is not the same as H.G. Wells.

So please folks remember that Orson Wells was in Citizen Kane! H.G. Wells was not!

We miss you (again) Orson. OH! and Bea. But I’m sure we’ll see you when Ashton Kutcher slips on a banana peel and surprisingly dies of heat exhaustion. Enjoy that little rumor Hollywood, Earth, UNIVERSE!

-a.

Pixelled Punchlines!

I apologize for not adding any new blogs for quite a while. I’ve been busy writing scripts for my TV show idea and playing VPW2. Since the demand for me to write something here is rather high (Michael and Chontel!) I decided to just post a recent set I did in the only available Myspace chatroom.

Location: Myspace Chatroom: Food & Drink-Other.

Comics: Adam J. Mancuso (online name not given due to recent stalker)

Audience: Lovebug552, EatsNGreets8, Alex_Westfield, and ProfSexxx694321

Adam: Hey how’s everybody doing? I’m Adam Mancuso and I’m here to entertain you fine folks-

Alex_Westfield: FREEBIRD!!!

Adam: "If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be travelling on, now
'Cause there's too many places I've got to see
But, if I stayed here with you, girl
Things just couldn't be the same
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now
And this bird you can not change
Lord knows, I can't change

Bye, bye, it's been a sweet love
Though this feeling I can't change
But please don't take it badly
'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame
But, if I stayed here with you girl
Things just couldn't be the same
Cause I'm as free as a bird now
And this bird you'll never change
And this bird you can not change
Lord knows, I can't change
Lord help me, I can't change

Won't ya fly-y-y freebird, yeah!"

Alex_Westfield: LOL

EatsNGreets8: ROFL

Adam: Thank you. So anyone from around here?

ProfSexxx694321: Free Pixxx press 696969

Adam: Please don't heckle sir. Do I go to your job and offer free porn to you during your board meetings?

Alex_Westfield: LOL!!!!11

LoveBug552: LOLOLOlolol

Adam: OK well here's an impression I've been working on. This is my impression of Cthulhu:

"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn."

Alex_Westfield: ROFL . :) :) :)

LoveBug552: ????

Adam: Thank you all, you've been great. Goodnight. And to my robot friends: "011000100111100101100101"

EatsNGreets8: I don't get it.

Alex_Westfield: Haha LOLOLOL

LoveBug552: What? lol?

ProfSexxx694321: Free Pixxx Press 696969

EatsNGreets8: 696969

That's all I could copy and paste over here in haste. I hope you enjoyed my virtual set as much as Alex_Westfield did.

-a.

I Hate You Guitar Hero!

Most of you who know me, know that I love video games and anything geeky or collectible. But I've noticed a rise in a specific genre of video games since the days of Playstation 1 andNintendo 64, and that genre is "SUCK!". It started harmless with games like Parrapa the Rapper, War Gods and Forsaken, but is now flag shipped by Guitar Hero. No longer do kids need to have an urge to learn an instrument, they can just play "Smoke on the Water" while their little brother waits patiently to play "Carry on my Wayward Son" as his rockin' rebuttal. Sure, they could be getting a guitar and starting a real band in their garage, but why do that when you can have Mom and Dad buy you Rock Band (note: just as poisonous as Guitar Hero, but with three more instruments for three more American Idol wannabes) and then you can find three more friends from XBOX Live to play "Iron Man" with.

"Hey guys! I had such a surplus of star power when I was playing "Shout at the Devil" on the hardest setting last night.

That's every douche bag kid's introduction now in a school's cafeteria. No longer is it "Hey faggot, give me your lunch money!" (I'd like to take the time to say "farewell" to the junior high that I know...and that I love.)

What makes this hurt so much is that KONAMI started all this with the Dance Dance Revolution craze. They are the same company behind two of the greatest game series ever:
Castlevania and Silent Hill. These games have nothing but the coolest stuff is going down. Whether you're whipping Count Dracula or shooting crazy-ass creatures that stem from your inner guilt regarding your unsatisfied sexual desires you had while your wife lay bed-ridden on her deathbed1, all leads to the most intense gaming experience!

Now thanks to them, this lame ass trend has started with people putting songs that have been long dead, but for some reason keep getting radio play into a new mediums. If I wanted to hear "Rock 'n' Roll Hoochie Koo" I'd buy a noose and hang myself, so as that I never make the actual mistake of hearing that awful song.

Now this "theory" I have of why Guitar Hero sucks doesn't apply to all game genres; such as fighting games (i.e. Street Fighter, Guilty Gear, King of Fighters). You see I choose to play these games because dojos are determined to teach you the back story to every fighting stance, and try to coerce you into respecting a bunch of crap like trees and monkeys when they show you a roundhouse.

"I signed up to learn how to take a man's life while taking a nap! Not shake hands with a sunflower while it rains!"

That's me telling Sensei Carl how it's going down2.

So to sum this all up; please remember that cover bands are incredibly lame, and covering bad songs while not even playing a real instrument is far beyond lame. Seriously...stop it. I hate you Guitar Hero.

-a.

1 The ultimate cock-block.
2 Note: I kept out the part where Sensei Carl knees me in the stomach and kicks me out of his dojo.

"Son of a Bitch Michael! Son of a Bitch!"

To get back at why I started this blog (to track my progress of attempting a career out of comedy) I figured I’d let you all know about my latest futile attempt. About a month ago E. Jean Carroll (the lady who said my joke writing got me in the top 20 for writing for her site) had an ad on cragslist for an intern. All the participants had to do was make a one minute and thirty second video about why they should be an “Ask E. Jean Intern” post it on youtube and then email her with the link and a brief description of yourself.

I immediately knew that I had to make my audition tape a sketch gone awry. I typed it all up and called my super pals Chontel and Mike to see if he could help out on a Saturday. They were all in!

Chontel set up the camera, Mike and I ran through the script five or six times, each time tweaking with something new here and there. Then we did one take and it turned out exactly as I wanted. EXACTLY!

Finally I put it up on youtube then emailed E. Jean.

Come the following morning I see that I had an email in my inbox from her, all it says is: “Hilarious!”

Regardless if I got the internship or not, I am so proud of the video because it was not just a simple audition video, it came out exactly as I wanted, and an ex-SNL writer could only describe it with one word: “Hilarious!” (note the exclamation point she put!)

Well I think I left you all salivating long enough. Here is the main course:

P.S. on youtube only one person commented on the video and enjoyed it. He hails from Canada so I must assume that I have a large following in the place where they consider ham "Canadian Bacon". I thank you my maple leaf mates! Also an even bigger one to Chontel and Mike for helping out.

Here is the youtube link if you care for some weird reason:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwQ3aD237lE