From Hollywood To Splitsville

Another pair of stars have fallen. Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy have officially broken up and announced it via twitter.

I haven't been this upset since the fall of Beniffer, now if you'll excuse this short post, I must tend to my broken heart and soaked eyes.

-The saddest boy in all the land.

Captain America Movie???

Why? Seriously, why?! This is the first of my hearing about this awful news.

There are so many better, cooler, more powerful characters in the Marvel Universe, and Hollywood picks Captain America? I'd rather see a film based on Shadow Cat (for realsies).

Who will the villain be in this piece of crap? MODAM? Red Skull? Hitler?

This. Is. Weak.

-a.

Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist

If you like films that portray events of 18 year olds accurately, then look no further. This film is the Sixteen Candles of this generation. Sadly though, it imprisons Michael Cera's awesome talent (curse you, Hollywood!)

-a.

Paris Hilton vs Stephanie Pratt

In October of 2009 at the Fox Reality Channel Really Awards, Paris Hilton wore a Brian Lichtenberg one-shoulder mini dress.

Fast forward to February 2010 in Las Vegas, and that skank bag Stephanie Pratt is wearing the very same Brian Lichtenberg number.

This is why Hollywood and Washington must allow patents on dresses! We cannot have skank-a-doodles flopping around poseur red carpets wearing the same items that gorgeous starlets are wearing at actual award shows.

Hear my words Ms. Pratt; you better watch out the next time you choose something from your closet because if the great Paris Hilton ever wore it before I will hunt you down and slaughter you like the skanky dog you are!

-a.

Avatar, still?

I can't believe people are still talking about Avatar. I got to admit that when I saw it (not by my choosing) it was better than I assumed. But it's nothing to dissect. Yes, the CGI is amazing in it. Yes, it holds one's interest for the length of the entire film. But what impresses me the most is that it was (somewhat) original. Hollywood hasn't had an idea since the Matrix.

Sadly, during the previews prior to Avatar, they had a trailer for Clash of the Titans. No one is asking for a remake of that film. So why do it? All Hollywood can do now is remakes and (atrocious) films on comic books and video games (save Nolan's Batman and Silent Hill).

Do what I do, never go to the movies unless you actually are interested in the film. Perhaps the drop in box office revenue will show the walk of fame that you can't shit in a can and call it Terminator: Salvation (Note: never seen it, but I guarantee it sucks).

Delicious Yuk-yuks!

The once-mighty Chicago Bulls blow the biggest lead in an NBA game in 13 years. They probably shouldn't have tried to learn how to moonwalk during the third quarter.

Russian hackers may have stolen tens of millions from Citibank, the Wall Street Journal reports. But isn't the Wall Street Journal an American periodical? This is just the Cold War all over again!

Iran's leader accuses the American government of an elaborate deception. He claims Obama put the "bop" in the "Bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop."

Phony calls from banks are just one tactic con artists use to trick the elderly out of their money. Shoving them to trigger their vertigo while stealing their purse is another strategy.

Elton John is known for his flamboyant style, which carries over into his Hollywood home. Say, you guys see Elton John's new house - neither did he. OH!...wait a sec.

I actually like two of the jokes today. I'd like to think of that as an improvement.

-a.

Hard Times

Jamie Foxx has recently told Parade magazine that: "It's hard being a celebrity." He couldn't be more correct. Nothing is harder than making a sex tape, having it "leak," getting into disputes with the paparazzi, letting photographers snap upskirt shots of yourself, AND raising a child.

If you think that's hard, then you haven't heard the hardest part; not having talent. It's more of a suggestion in Hollywood these days. If you make jokes about Pedophilia (not mocking the sicko in it) or have "killer" material that involves poor ventriloquism, or wear a low-cut shirt you get to move ahead of the audition line because well "you're gonna be a star!"

Now I know nothing of what I said above remotely relates to Jamie Foxx and that is because he hasn't done anything stupid or immoral. I just needed his quote to mock those "stars" I hate and cannot wait to see burn out finally.

FLEX YOUR HEAD!

NOTE: I also realized majority of my attacks seem to target women, but that is strictly because I hate the socialites smeared in every medium. Apologies, ladies.

Fresh Baked Celebrity Gossip! MMMMmmmmm...

I am sick and tired of having to hear the latest gossip and rumors of my favorite celebrities. That is why I have decided to just invent my own rumors and watch them spread faster than any bullet pattern in ESPGaluda!

First up Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay was spotted at Bea Arthur's funeral this weekend and suffice to say, LL farted. She claimed it was an innocent case of “Beer Gas” but Orson Wells feels different.

(NOTE: In my universe of Celebrity Gossip, when a star dies another star is reborn for only a day and a half)

Orson claims that Lindsay has “gone too far”. One can only wonder if he means with her career or with her smelly style of socializing.

I got to chat with the once late Orson Wells in his final moments (remember the day and a half rule). Orson said that he spent most of his second time on Earth trying to help people remember that he is not the same as H.G. Wells.

So please folks remember that Orson Wells was in Citizen Kane! H.G. Wells was not!

We miss you (again) Orson. OH! and Bea. But I’m sure we’ll see you when Ashton Kutcher slips on a banana peel and surprisingly dies of heat exhaustion. Enjoy that little rumor Hollywood, Earth, UNIVERSE!

-a.