First the Olympics, and now Politics

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!?

President Obama wants to make a lame speech on a Tuesday. But he's torn between the Tuesday that LOST premieres on , and the Tuesday that American Idol premieres on. Apparently the dumb-ass White House is unsure what show to bump in order for Obama to not divulge secrets on Jacob and his connection to the island.

I cannot believe that my most favorite show and my most hated are the two in this debate. The answer is simple; bump American idol. Now here's how I reached that conclusion; 1) We do NOT need to see more failures on TV. 2) LOST actually has a plot and is well written, where as American Idol will have a box of douche bags doing glorified karaoke in front of judges who do not count as people.

Obama, please leave LOST alone or I will be pulling for some immediate change in Washington. That's right, I'm willing to register to vote AGAINST you, if you putz around with LOST's premiere.

-a.

Delicious Yuk-yuks!

The once-mighty Chicago Bulls blow the biggest lead in an NBA game in 13 years. They probably shouldn't have tried to learn how to moonwalk during the third quarter.

Russian hackers may have stolen tens of millions from Citibank, the Wall Street Journal reports. But isn't the Wall Street Journal an American periodical? This is just the Cold War all over again!

Iran's leader accuses the American government of an elaborate deception. He claims Obama put the "bop" in the "Bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop."

Phony calls from banks are just one tactic con artists use to trick the elderly out of their money. Shoving them to trigger their vertigo while stealing their purse is another strategy.

Elton John is known for his flamboyant style, which carries over into his Hollywood home. Say, you guys see Elton John's new house - neither did he. OH!...wait a sec.

I actually like two of the jokes today. I'd like to think of that as an improvement.

-a.

More Spontaneous Jokes

Still trying to get through the cobwebs here:

Kardashian family's Christmas photo includes a celebrity they're not related to. I'll give you two hints; it's Opposite Day and it's not Dabney Coleman.

An airbrushed ad of former supermodel Twiggy leads to a government action because she had Mao Zedong watermarked on her ass. Models today think people look to them for political insight. Tsk, tsk.

A group calling itself the Iranian Cyber Army has hacked Twitter and an Iranian opposition website, replacing it with an anti-American message. The U.S. has plans to respond swiftly by hiring 7th graders to reply with "Iran is GAY!" on Obama's blog.

The Team Fortress 2 War updates have finally been revealed. Sadly, none of them include this game being completely altered to be Chrono Trigger.

The creator of “American Idol,” Simon Fuller, is developing a new reality show. No plots have been revealed yet, but it is safe to assume that it will include the mindless masses worshiping more useless people.

Better? I'll be better next week, I swear.

-a.

My jokes get an "F-"...well not really.

Since I posted about a failed submission with MAD magazine, I decided to show off my failed attempt at being a writer for a Mock-Astrology site for an ex-SNL writer. Most of the material on there is very current event, or political which is not me. So for the jokes I submitted I just looked up headlines on Yahoo.com and then quipped on them. Some I like, some I'm sort of "meh" toward and one I totally love!

1) According to fivethirtyeight.com Obama leads McCain by 15 points in Popular Vote. 6 more points and he just may become a level 3 president. New spells learned at this level include "Veto!". (I'll tell you now...this is the joke I love!)

2) The Bush administration may take control of certain U.S. banks to deal with the global credit crisis. They are basing this on their success on taking over IRAQ to deal with the WMD's crisis.
Pres. Bush went on to say quote: "You can bank on that!" then he chuckled a bit. (Meh, just meh)

3) Jamie Lynn Spears may be pregnant again, which would explain why you still find her UNATTRACTIVE! (I love bashing Celebrities, especially when I barely know who they are.)

4) McCain is once again told by another band [Foo Fighters] to stop using their song for his campaign. This Blog suggests the opening to Rites of Spring by Igor Stravinsky. It's catchy and dead men can't complain. (I was rocking Rites of Spring quite a bit then.)

5) 2 people have broken the world record for continuous movie watching. They watched 57 films in 123 hours and have had 0 dates since 6th grade.

6) Kim Kardashian was recently voted off Dancing with the Stars. I guess she'll go back to what made her famous in the first place, and make another sex tape. (My friend Chontel claims that this joke is "not me" but it was meant to be hurtful toward Kim Kardashian because as we all know she frequently calls me and I need her to get the hint.)

I guess to be fair to myself these jokes didn't necessarily fail. I got a reply a month later (from the ex-SNL writer) saying that my jokes were great and that I made it to the top 20 applicants but she chose someone else (which is a super nice thing for someone to let you know...seriously.) Then she said how she had a position opened for her advice column. I tried but I am awful at that. I just kept making witty remarks and references. It's obvious I didn't get that, but cool how I had a shot at least.


Well I hope this was at least not boring for you (whoever you are). Lates.

-a.