Talented AND Respectable?!?!

I know that I am totally tardy to the party (that will be the final time I say that... I promise) but I'm now a huge 30 Rock fan and an even bigger Tina Fey fan. Her writing is simply awesome and I absolutely believe her acting when in character as Liz Lemon. Also, I recently read that she has apparently only had sex with one man in her whole life and that is her husband. Thank you so much, Mrs. Fey, for being the absolute opposite of a Kardashian.

Of course your talent bearing self will most certainly miss out on getting your own reality show on E! but isn't that also worth it in the end? Everyone but Ryan Seacrest may answer!


Never leaving the party that I was originally tardy to,
Adam.

A Message to Shia LaBeouf

Shia Labeouf was in a car accident that was not his fault. He's had a DUI charge before and the media went wild on alcoholic assumptions. He had a green light and some other guy blew his red and rolled over Shia's truck. The car door was closed on what was Shia's hand and his fingers were separated from his hand and scattered on the street.

All of this is disturbing for anyone involved (celebrity or civilian) anyway, Khloe (who?) Kardashian (Kim's sister) apparently has assumed the role of big sis for Shia telling him to "just be smarter." She has said other crap but who cares.

Apparently Shia does, he's a bit pissed that she has commented on it numerous times. What Shia needs to do is not worry what some ugly reality "star" has to say. He should worry about how he has ignored pretty much 97% of Minor Threats lyrics.

-a.

Yahoo's Top 10 Searches for 2009

10) Runescape: Apparently there is a free Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game or "MMORPG" (now you know--Dad!). Normally I'm against most new games because by default they suck, but I really appreciate the free aspect of this game. I don't play it, and no, not because I think I'm too cool for it. Why, just before I decided to write today's entry, I was researching HeroQuest.

9) NASCAR: Hahahahahahahahaha...

8) Kim Kardashian: I've already blogged my dislike toward this useless lady, but Yahoo claims people are Googling (is that possible?) her. Why they would want to waste their time reading up on her instead of reading my words is beyond me. I honestly cannot get over that she is a top 10 search subject. Shame on you America.

7) American Idol: It's seriously so hard to not have all of these share the same comment I put for #9. Judging from #8, it is safe to assume that America loves to research useless people.

6) Naruto: Hahahahahahahahahaha...seriously? I still think I'm cooler for researching a "dead" board game earlier!!!

5) Britney Spears: Still? Is America still that interested in her? Come on guys.

4) Megan Fox: I have yet to see a film of hers, but I can assure you as well as myself that it sucks. I don't see the whole hubbub about her. Her tattoos disgust me, but if I have to fill in a score card for her, I'd be forced to fill in something positive about her eyes. That's it!

3) WWE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...this list must be a joke. Quick history lesson, I loved wrestling from 87-91 maybe 92. Then I learned it was fake and Hogan wasn't around much so I ditched it. Came back in 98 and absolutely loved the art of it until 2000~2001. It's been a joke since. No wrestlers take risks anymore (thanks Vince) people like Rey Mysterio Jr. who were unbelievable in the 90's are no longer making jaws drop. It's sad. Now if #3 was FMW then yea, I could understand that. Thanks again America, enjoy watching John Cena bitch about not getting as good a parking spot as Randy Orton come Wrestlemania 26.

2) Twilight Saga: I don't see it. Yes, vampires are cool, and yes, Dawnson's Creek is cool, but they should never be mixed. Twilight sucks...get it? I wonder how many dad's said that terrible joke while waiting on the midnight showing line at the movies. My guess is "a lot."

1) Michael Jackson: if he didn't die he'd not be on this list. So Yahoo has taught me a few things about being noticed by America; make a sex tape, have big tits, or die.

I can make a sex tape, and die, but getting myself a nice rack may be tough to pull off, especially if they get in my way of typing what I'm aiming to be the top search of 2010; HeroQuest. 20 years late is a lot better than being popular for only this year--right Kim?

-a.

A Glimpse of a Star - Kim Kardashian

Now that I am a "celebrity" (see last post regarding my being on TV). I have come across some interesting items such as Kim Kardashian's resume. Check it out:

KIM KARDASHIAN

Kim Kardashian is a published model and "actress." She has been on TV like 4 times, and is on every red carpet because her step dad did some stuff in an old Olympics game.



Experience:
"Sex Tape" .............................................Self..................................Vivid Entertainment
"Keeping Up With the Kardashians" .................Self........................... Ryan Seacrest Productions
"Dancing With the Stars" (Season 7-3 eps).........Self ..................................ABC

Training:
Zero. Can you believe that? This girl has all the bare minimum talent necessary to do the things she has done!

Skills:
See above.


Now obviously, I had to leave out her contact info because Ms. Kardashian likes to keep her anonymity (ignoring the sex tape that catapulted her to the stars...to dance with?).

Now you may be saying to yourself: "this bitch has NO talent." And you'd be right to think so, IF you were NEVER on TV before. I for one have NEVER seen someone play the role of them self so perfectly. Could any of you have sex with a man, then get on a reality show where the little folk of America watch you dance and brand you a "star" (for 3 episodes)? I think not.

I for one applaud you Ms. Kardashian. You were my inspiration for getting on TV, and playing the role of myself as casually as I could. Sadly, noone wanted to have sex or dance poorly while doing so though. Those talentless bastards!

-a.

My jokes get an "F-"...well not really.

Since I posted about a failed submission with MAD magazine, I decided to show off my failed attempt at being a writer for a Mock-Astrology site for an ex-SNL writer. Most of the material on there is very current event, or political which is not me. So for the jokes I submitted I just looked up headlines on Yahoo.com and then quipped on them. Some I like, some I'm sort of "meh" toward and one I totally love!

1) According to fivethirtyeight.com Obama leads McCain by 15 points in Popular Vote. 6 more points and he just may become a level 3 president. New spells learned at this level include "Veto!". (I'll tell you now...this is the joke I love!)

2) The Bush administration may take control of certain U.S. banks to deal with the global credit crisis. They are basing this on their success on taking over IRAQ to deal with the WMD's crisis.
Pres. Bush went on to say quote: "You can bank on that!" then he chuckled a bit. (Meh, just meh)

3) Jamie Lynn Spears may be pregnant again, which would explain why you still find her UNATTRACTIVE! (I love bashing Celebrities, especially when I barely know who they are.)

4) McCain is once again told by another band [Foo Fighters] to stop using their song for his campaign. This Blog suggests the opening to Rites of Spring by Igor Stravinsky. It's catchy and dead men can't complain. (I was rocking Rites of Spring quite a bit then.)

5) 2 people have broken the world record for continuous movie watching. They watched 57 films in 123 hours and have had 0 dates since 6th grade.

6) Kim Kardashian was recently voted off Dancing with the Stars. I guess she'll go back to what made her famous in the first place, and make another sex tape. (My friend Chontel claims that this joke is "not me" but it was meant to be hurtful toward Kim Kardashian because as we all know she frequently calls me and I need her to get the hint.)

I guess to be fair to myself these jokes didn't necessarily fail. I got a reply a month later (from the ex-SNL writer) saying that my jokes were great and that I made it to the top 20 applicants but she chose someone else (which is a super nice thing for someone to let you know...seriously.) Then she said how she had a position opened for her advice column. I tried but I am awful at that. I just kept making witty remarks and references. It's obvious I didn't get that, but cool how I had a shot at least.


Well I hope this was at least not boring for you (whoever you are). Lates.

-a.