The Phantom Menace

The Year was 1999. The world was preparing for the “turn of the millennium” with Bill Clinton at the helm of USS USA. “Y2K” was all the buzz. But some people did not care for these things. Some people were too distracted with their extreme excitement for the coming of a new age. A new age that would not take us forward in time, but back in time; to an age of before where we are currently at. Yes I am speaking of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

No one was ready for the coolness that this film was going to exude, and future films of coolness that those originally exuded coolness fumes would exude.

I went with my friend (and fellow Star Wars nerd) Joey and his sister Janette. We went to the Commack theater on a Saturday afternoon expecting nothing but the coolest experience ever. Normally during a Star Wars film I’m not paying too much attention to my snacks, but this film was a special case. I found myself bored out of my mind and eating an entire large bag of popcorn to erase the moments of the Galactic Senate bickering, and the rest of the medium popcorn shared by my sibling friends to get through that damn podrace on Tatooine.

Well once that podrace was over I thought for sure that the film was too, but wait--what was this? A battle between the Gungans of Naboo and the droid army that no one gives a shit about?

WOW! Show me more please.

WHAT!?

We get to see a young Darth Vader single-handedly and accidentally shoot down the blockade flagship (Saak’ak) while paling it up with R2-D2? Incredible! That has to be the climax of this movie. No? A duel of the fates you say? Darth Maul versus a young padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi and his Jedi master Qui-Gon Jinn? The only thing that can make this movie cooler is the addition of kung-fu in a lightsaber duel. YESSSSS!

That was the only thing lacking in a lightsaber duel. A glowing fucking sword that hums awesomely while glowing and cutting/cauterizing anything it touches (save another lightsaber blade) was lacking something and Lucas knew what it was…kung-fucking-fu!

So I’d just like to take some time out and thank Mr. George Lucas for making up for the things that the original trilogy was lacking:

1) Kung-fu

and

2) Politics.

I say, nothing gets me more pumped than an argument over trade routes and blockades. Why, the last time I watched C-SPAN I was so overwhelmed with adrenaline that I ran down my block and slayed a family of four.

-a.

YAY! It turns out I wasn't the Axis Powers all along!

I played chess with my friend Chontel last week, and while formulating strategies in my mind for my knight, I noticed that it made the sign of a swastika!

Naturally I got really nervous that my chess army was made up of Nazis. Well up until the point when my opponent's king shot himself in a bunker.

It was almost cute at first; watching the king pull out a tiny pistol. Then it got disturbing once his checkered blood splashed about on my poor pawns faces. Needless to say, they haven't been the same since.

But that's not even the disturbing part of this tale. The disturbing part is me explaining to my nephews that an escaped Nazi rook is hiding in Candy Land!!

-a.

My jokes get an "F-"...well not really.

Since I posted about a failed submission with MAD magazine, I decided to show off my failed attempt at being a writer for a Mock-Astrology site for an ex-SNL writer. Most of the material on there is very current event, or political which is not me. So for the jokes I submitted I just looked up headlines on Yahoo.com and then quipped on them. Some I like, some I'm sort of "meh" toward and one I totally love!

1) According to fivethirtyeight.com Obama leads McCain by 15 points in Popular Vote. 6 more points and he just may become a level 3 president. New spells learned at this level include "Veto!". (I'll tell you now...this is the joke I love!)

2) The Bush administration may take control of certain U.S. banks to deal with the global credit crisis. They are basing this on their success on taking over IRAQ to deal with the WMD's crisis.
Pres. Bush went on to say quote: "You can bank on that!" then he chuckled a bit. (Meh, just meh)

3) Jamie Lynn Spears may be pregnant again, which would explain why you still find her UNATTRACTIVE! (I love bashing Celebrities, especially when I barely know who they are.)

4) McCain is once again told by another band [Foo Fighters] to stop using their song for his campaign. This Blog suggests the opening to Rites of Spring by Igor Stravinsky. It's catchy and dead men can't complain. (I was rocking Rites of Spring quite a bit then.)

5) 2 people have broken the world record for continuous movie watching. They watched 57 films in 123 hours and have had 0 dates since 6th grade.

6) Kim Kardashian was recently voted off Dancing with the Stars. I guess she'll go back to what made her famous in the first place, and make another sex tape. (My friend Chontel claims that this joke is "not me" but it was meant to be hurtful toward Kim Kardashian because as we all know she frequently calls me and I need her to get the hint.)

I guess to be fair to myself these jokes didn't necessarily fail. I got a reply a month later (from the ex-SNL writer) saying that my jokes were great and that I made it to the top 20 applicants but she chose someone else (which is a super nice thing for someone to let you know...seriously.) Then she said how she had a position opened for her advice column. I tried but I am awful at that. I just kept making witty remarks and references. It's obvious I didn't get that, but cool how I had a shot at least.


Well I hope this was at least not boring for you (whoever you are). Lates.

-a.

Your Loss Alfred E. Newman.

April of this year I was notified (through my own research) that MAD Magazine accepts submissions. So I decided to make a comic about the late Gary Gygax. But not in a mocking way. I wanted it to be lighthearted since he always seemed like such a nice guy, and he created a game I always wanted to play since childhood, but never had enough friends to play with (which is the ultra-combo of loser in life's Killer Instinct).

Well MAD magazine let me know that they had passed on my submission when they never replied (which it says they do on their website. So you are notified through the absence of conversation...sort of like a verbal manticore...or masticore). Now I like this comic way too much and refuse to let it die, I decided to give it home here at my desolate blog.

I hope you enjoy, but most of all I hope you can read my tiny writing. Sorry.

-a.

Happy Birthday Britney!!!

So today is my mom’s birthday and blah, blah,blah. People today is also BRITNEY SPEARS’ BIRTHDAY! And I for one am jazzed more than Karl Malone and John Coltrane combined! Some of you may think that I’m being cruel but I don’t see my mom making top 40 hits. I don’t see my mom writing lyrics like: “Now I’m stronger than yesterday.” And I don’t see my mom as much as I see Britney on TV!

Now here is where I speak out to my Brit-brit.

Britney I saw you on Good Morning America this morning and you were breathtaking. The most memorable moment was surely when the bakers unveiled your cake and the one baker shook your hand, wished you a "happy birthday", and you…you selfless person you, you gave him (gasp!) a kiss on the cheek. (Oh my stars what I wouldn’t give for a moment like that)

Britney you’re voice is like a gift from Galadriel herself; for you have been a guiding light through my most dark of times. (Screw off Shelob!!!)

Britney I assure you that when you first broke out onto the scene that I was NOT the guy working at Toys “R” Us being mocked for finding you repulsive. I also swear that I NEVER once claimed that your large, saggy eyes were reminiscent of an ill puppy. And finally I NEVER once stated that you look very much like an inbred.

In closing; Britney on every calendar I own I circle December 2nd in a red heart. But this year I will start tagging on an arrow through it for Cupid has surely struck my H-E-A-R-T with his arrow of L-O-V-E. Now please excuse me my dear while I draw the arrow onto the heart over 12/2/08.

OH MY!

My calendar also says that it is officially “opposite day” today. Well in that case: A Very Happy Un-Birthday To You MOM!

Love,
The Mad Hatter…I mean Adam…your son.

Call me Radagast!

Brad Pitt said he had some secret tattoos on the November 16th episode of Oprah and fans are searching the internet like wild imaginary pugilists who need to know this information so as that they may cure cancer.

That’s right this sort of information is so important and valuable that it actually will cure incurable diseases because well…it outweighs those woes of old.

I mean just think of it people what the hell is tattooed on Mr. Pitt? And where?!?!? Gosh just thinking about it is straightening my spine, thus ending my scoliosis. Thank you Bradley.

Does he have a Notre Dame tattoo? Or perhaps a tat of the Tazmanian Devil? Or maybe something as simple as “Mom” in a heart. Well whatever it is, it surely has resurrected my dead dog Behr. “Thank you so much Brad Pitt!” that is what my dog is saying right now, because the thought of your clandestine body art has given me E.S.P. with the animal kingdom. Just call me The Beast Master,…no wait he’s lame. Call me Aquaman…no wait he can only communicate with sea life. Call me Radagast! CALL ME RADAGAST!!!!

-a.

King of the Road?

So today I stabbed a guy to death.

It's not as outrageous as most people think. I was just sort of walking around the roads by my job, and this crazy guy was rambling stuff. Then as I approached him, I just fucking stabbed him to death...and for a second - a split second, I felt like the king of the road.

Then I remembered that Roger Miller is considered the "King of the Road". SO now I have to stab him to death. If you're reading this Mr. Miller you better watch yo' back sucka!

Disclaimer: stabbing someone to death is in no way considered cool. BUT being known as "King of the Road" is highly considered cool...so be sure to rule the road!