A blog where I will try my best to extract a chuckle from you. During our tremendous downtime I may also dabble in deep, nerdy discussions that range from The Battle of the Nile to the Battle of Hoth!
Yesterday I was on a game show called Head2Head on Spike TV. It’s a 2 minute game show that has 2 strangers compete via internet against one another in pop culture trivia for the sweet prize of $500 (before taxes). I cannot (and shall not) reveal the denouement of this 2 minute battle of wits before the eyes of Mark McGrath (that’s right, Mr. Sugar Ray himself). But I will say that I achieved a new occupation, and that is: “TV Personality.”
So I apologize Mom, but I will not be taking the garbage out like you’ve asked (and nagged) all morning long. For I am a TV Personality, and as such, I cannot risk causing harm to my nationally entertaining body.
Also I would like to give a shout out to my new best friend: Mark McGrath. “Hey Buddy!”
I cherish the miracle of love and celebrate it daily (you heard me). But the lyrics to “Escape (The Pina Colada song)” by Rupert Holmes are atrocious. It is a smutty tune about a man unhappy with his current relationship who happens to read the personals in bed next to his sleeping lover (despicable!). He answers said want ad with his own and says for them to meet. The two indeed do, only to discover that his new lover is his current lover (the one he clearly cheated on while she was sleeping).
And neither of them see anything wrong with this!? They just laugh and “love” forever more. I for one never knew two whores could create such a bond of debauchery.
I haven’t even gotten to the most ridiculous part. The want ad speaks of liking pina coladas, getting caught in the rain, not liking yoga and having half a brain (oddly enough it doesn’t suggest having a soul. Hmm…).
This is all that is required for a lasting relationship? Alcoholic beverages, ignoring a good stretch, and taking a liking to precipitation? These harlots have a lot to learn about love; and I’m just the trained professional to guide them.
Rule #1: Don’t respond to personal ads while in a current relationship (especially when your significant other is next to you in bed). This is just rude and skanky.
Rule #2: Ask for more out of someone besides getting trashed and not exercising regularly.
Rule #3: I cannot stress this one enough; please do NOT write shitty songs.
Now dear readers you are certified to “get biz-ay!”
In the REO Speedwagon song Take It on the Run guitarist (and the song’s writer) Gary Richrath opens it with the line:
“I heard it from a friend who,
Heard it from a friend who,
Heard it from another you been messin’ around.”
I’ll ignore Gary’s poor use of the English language, with his omission of “have” between “you” and “been”. Also please look away from the missing “g” in “messin’.” Tsk, Tsk "rock star".
But what I cannot ignore is the fact that he wrote a whole song based on the most unreliable information in the world. His source is not primary, nor secondary, and on top of that this other person he doesn’t even know. He goes out of his way to not use the term “friend”. So Mr. Richrath is writing hit songs based on hearsay? Never has such a poor excuse for a Billboard Top song been done since the likes of The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia. You see in that song an innocent man is hanged based on weak evidence and a “make-believe” trial.
This message is not to my (very few) readers, but to all you song writers out there. Please gather more facts and evidence before you go all willy-nilly with half-truths and white lies. I beg of you, someone write a song that has a strong source, and lots of detailed information. For instance:
“Well my 83 year old Grandmother told me this morning (6/5/2009) at 9:12am that she witnessed a Male Caucasian in his mid-twenties hit and run a small dog (Golden Retriever, his name is ironically “Lucky” - which is not as ironic when compared to my dog’s name: ‘The best pedestrian in North America’. PS He’s a Collie.) This here car which has yet to be caught has a license plate of NH3-8541 and has a ‘How’s My Driving’ sticker on the bumper (which is very ironic).”
Is that so hard? Now let’s find the perp before I sell a gold record!
“Who knew I had so much influence and that my words and opinion mattered so much to so many people!?!?! HA HA HA I’ll be the first to admit that my opinion is just that, only my opinion, but for as much as some of the bloggers seem to dislike me and care so little about my thoughts, they sure can waste a lot of their space on what I say! If only many of them took the time to pay attention to important things like the US economy and the welfare of the world’s children. But… nah… I could blog about that type of stuff anytime and most wouldn’t think twice, but let me say something that they can pick and choose quotes and misinterpret me… and it’s showtime! I never assumed my opinion mattered so much! I guess I may have been wrong.”
Yet again my blog post starts with a Shit Licker (see yesterday’s post) quote. I must go on to say that your opinions don’t matter, and that YOU are always wrong! Except for your last part there about how no one would think twice about your opinions on the US economy and the like, and there are 2 reasons for this: 1) you are not a member of office. And 2) because these “important things” couldn’t be more trivial when compared to the events involving The Adam Lambert.
What makes this hurt Shit Licker; is the fact that I was hurt when you were considered the runner-up to that hoagie Reuben Studdard. I had just as passionate posts on my old blog: “Breaking the Mold – The Clay Aiken blog” but I took that puppy down once I saw The Adam Lambert’s rockin’ rendition of ‘Ring of Fire’. So if anyone is to be the most hurt by your dagger-like words it’s me. I was there for you when you were cheated out of the prestigious American Idol title, and now (and forever or until they announce the 2010 Idol) I will be with The Adam Lambert as he reaches for the stars and gets a handful of the moon.
So as you can see I’ve been anything but idle since this past week’s Idol. I’ve been stewing about in the cauldron of my home angry over these hurtful, hateful and heinous words directed toward The Adam Lambert. Like I said, him “losing” to that non-Adam Lambert guy and you speaking poorly of his performance is just adding insult to injury (like messing a man’s hair in a fist fight).
Any who folks I truly apologize for my recent vulgarities, but someone needs to stand up to the “haters” and the “shit lickers” like Shit Licker himself. I can also sadly see that no one has performed a Clayality upon Mr. Licker and so I must end this with the same warning as yesterday: “Watch the hair, man”.
“I happened to turn it [American Idol] on during the minute that Adam Lambert was singing ‘Ring of Fire’ and, at that moment, thought my ears would bleed.”
That folks, is a quote from the world’s largest shit licker: Clay Aiken. He goes on to say other false opinions regarding The Adam Lambert such as: “Not my cup of tea.”
Why not Clay? Is it because he isn’t filled with shit, you lame-ass, Pee Wee Herman looking shit licker? From now on your nick name around here will be based on your biggest hobby. Since you love to lick shit, your nick name shall forever be: Shit Licker!
Now I don’t need to tell you how upset, appalled, hurt, angered, used, defiled, and above all else defeated I feel after this week’s American Idol finals. The powers that be (worthless execs at FOX and the dumbest members of this nation) chose this year’s Idol to be some guy (with bad hair) who I refuse to say his name because he is NOT The Adam Lambert. This non-Adam Lambert is a simple “Pub Performer” (yea I said it) with bad hair, (yea I said it again!) and enjoys nothing more than to steal the spotlight with his half-assed performances. I for one cannot believe that the judges* didn’t try to veto this outrageous decision.
And now Shit Licker’s statements regarding The Adam Lambert are only adding insult to injury (like messing someone's hair in a fight). How would you like it Shit Licker if your favorite human being lost something (like their life) and all I had to say about it was that said person was “not my cup of tea.” You’d be an angry shit licker, wouldn’t you Shit Licker?
In mock of your real name and so as that I may reference ClayFighter; I hope someone soon performs a Clayality upon you. So beware of any Bad Mr. Frosty’s or Blue Suede Goo’s coming your way. And above all else Shit Licker: “Watch the hair, man!”
-a.
*After this year’s finale I believe that we have irrefutable proof that these "judges" have literal “Shit for brains”. Never has there been such a travesty unleashed upon this great nation . Yep, this is even worse than that time Sanjaya was voted off.
I am sick and tired of having to hear the latest gossip and rumors of my favorite celebrities. That is why I have decided to just invent my own rumors and watch them spread faster than any bullet pattern in ESPGaluda!
First up Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay was spotted at Bea Arthur's funeral this weekend and suffice to say, LL farted. She claimed it was an innocent case of “Beer Gas” but Orson Wells feels different.
(NOTE: In my universe of Celebrity Gossip, when a star dies another star is reborn for only a day and a half)
Orson claims that Lindsay has “gone too far”.One can only wonder if he means with her career or with her smelly style of socializing.
I got to chat with the once late Orson Wells in his final moments (remember the day and a half rule). Orson said that he spent most of his second time on Earth trying to help people remember that he is not the same as H.G. Wells.
So please folks remember that Orson Wells was in Citizen Kane! H.G. Wells was not!
We miss you (again) Orson. OH! and Bea. But I’m sure we’ll see you when Ashton Kutcher slips on a banana peel and surprisingly dies of heat exhaustion. Enjoy that little rumor Hollywood, Earth, UNIVERSE!
I apologize for not adding any new blogs for quite a while. I’ve been busy writing scripts for my TV show idea and playing VPW2. Since the demand for me to write something here is rather high (Michael and Chontel!) I decided to just post a recent set I did in the only available Myspace chatroom.
Location: Myspace Chatroom: Food & Drink-Other.
Comics: Adam J. Mancuso (online name not given due to recent stalker)
Audience: Lovebug552, EatsNGreets8, Alex_Westfield, and ProfSexxx694321
Adam: Hey how’s everybody doing? I’m Adam Mancuso and I’m here to entertain you fine folks-
Alex_Westfield: FREEBIRD!!!
Adam: "If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be travelling on, now
'Cause there's too many places I've got to see
But, if I stayed here with you, girl
Things just couldn't be the same
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now
And this bird you can not change
Lord knows, I can't change
Bye, bye, it's been a sweet love
Though this feeling I can't change
But please don't take it badly
'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame
But, if I stayed here with you girl
Things just couldn't be the same
Cause I'm as free as a bird now
And this bird you'll never change
And this bird you can not change
Lord knows, I can't change
Lord help me, I can't change
Won't ya fly-y-y freebird, yeah!"
Alex_Westfield: LOL
EatsNGreets8: ROFL
Adam: Thank you. So anyone from around here?
ProfSexxx694321: Free Pixxx press 696969
Adam: Please don't heckle sir. Do I go to your job and offer free porn to you during your board meetings?
Alex_Westfield: LOL!!!!11
LoveBug552: LOLOLOlolol
Adam: OK well here's an impression I've been working on. This is my impression of Cthulhu:
