I'm a Traitor to Myself.

Growing up I watched an astronomical amount of TV. If it was a cartoon, I was there. If it was what I perceived as a funny sitcom, I was there. But the days of Stunt Dawgs, Empty Nest, and Wings couldn't last forever. Sure I had Seinfeld, News Radio, and Batman the Animated series to keep me company when I lost my original old friends but it wasn't enough. So when high school ended so did my TV viewing. It dropped steadily until around 2003 or so where all I watched were DVD's (pretty much just the Star Wars and Matrix trilogies). When someone would ask: "Hey, do you watch that show where people eat bugs?" I could proudly say that not only did I not watch that show, but television as a whole could not capture my attention. I was proud to rebuke such an absolute in 98% of America's lives.

I was watching two shows Arrested Development, and the Office. Life was good. It was simple. But then I decided years later to aspire to be a comedic writer for TV, movies or another medium that I couldn't stand. At first it was simple and innocent: "I'll write a spec script for the Office, because I already watch and like that show." But then it snowballed: "I happened to catch an episode of Big Bang Theory, and it was really funny. I'll write a spec script of it, and I'll need to watch the show to stay current, and obviously laugh - which is an awesome fringe benefit."

After the Office, and before Big Bang Theory, I fell for the greatest show ever...LOST. It was natural for me to obsess over this outstanding show. It gives you little hints, and features such cool things as: bunkers, creepy cabins, time-travel, and cool jumpsuits! But after viewing that I wondered if I would like Flash Forward. So I TiVo that now -have yet to see it- I also watch Heroes, Community, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Bored to Death, Parks & Recreation, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and The Colbert Report.

Fastforward to this morning, I mentioned a great show to a friend and realized the number of TV shows I now watch has breached 3. So if I find the time to get away from my computer or TV set and meet up with a person who asks me: "Hey! Have you seen the season premiere of Big Bang Theory?" I must sadly reply with: "Yes I have, and I'm glad I have something to watch after Heroes."

Josh Olson Forgot Where He Started.

http://blogs.villagevoice.com/runninscared/archives/2009/09/i_will_not_read.php

NEWS FLASH! Helping out aspiring writers is no longer cool. Apparently being a prick is the new black this season. That's what Josh Olson the man who penned "A History of Violence" (and other crap that I will never watch) believes.

Now I may have seemed a bit "aggressive" in that last paragraph on how Josh's post affected me -believe me I agree with some of what he said. Some people do just want to write a story, get rich and then blow their new found riches on snuff. But I feel as an accomplished writer who was approached, that he should have felt the kid out. Next time Joshie, Ask a few Q's to see if the nervous person in front of you is legit, or some dork.

Some of you readers may think that my opinion on J. Olson is biased, since I approached (through the web) an accomplished writer who was friends with my boss. I had never met this person face to face, and I asked him to read a spec of mine, because I was eager for a professional to read it as opposed to my friends (no offense to them). Lucky for me, he was more than polite about doing it, and even gave me feedback later that same day! Now I never planned on requesting his services again, but after reading Josh's organized rant, I realized that I was in fact out of line, and incredibly lucky that this less-than-acquaintance was more than willing to help out an aspiring writer who doesn't know where to start.

I'm dedicated, don't plan on making millions, and just love writing. Perhaps that somehow shined through on my email, perhaps this nice writer was feeling so altruistic that he would've critiqued anything with 32 pages attached to an email. But either way I know that he helped me, and I will never forget it, and hope to pass on that genuine kindness to another aspiring writer when I get somewhere, someday. (Sorry for the run on)

-a.

Proof of my being a Celebrity!

I'm a STAR!

There's an inspector who keeps hounding me of my whereabouts in regards to July 20th 2009. Well here you are Inspector Cornelius Finch! I hope you're happy, making me show this to people who will now think that I am just bragging.

I try so hard to be a modest celeb and now I'll just end up looking as desperate as Tori Spelling. Although I'd like to think that my real fans understand me. Thanks Mom; even though you recently "accidentally" deleted the recording from our IO box. I swear, sometimes she can be real catty!

MEOW!

-a.

A Glimpse of a Star - Kim Kardashian

Now that I am a "celebrity" (see last post regarding my being on TV). I have come across some interesting items such as Kim Kardashian's resume. Check it out:

KIM KARDASHIAN

Kim Kardashian is a published model and "actress." She has been on TV like 4 times, and is on every red carpet because her step dad did some stuff in an old Olympics game.



Experience:
"Sex Tape" .............................................Self..................................Vivid Entertainment
"Keeping Up With the Kardashians" .................Self........................... Ryan Seacrest Productions
"Dancing With the Stars" (Season 7-3 eps).........Self ..................................ABC

Training:
Zero. Can you believe that? This girl has all the bare minimum talent necessary to do the things she has done!

Skills:
See above.


Now obviously, I had to leave out her contact info because Ms. Kardashian likes to keep her anonymity (ignoring the sex tape that catapulted her to the stars...to dance with?).

Now you may be saying to yourself: "this bitch has NO talent." And you'd be right to think so, IF you were NEVER on TV before. I for one have NEVER seen someone play the role of them self so perfectly. Could any of you have sex with a man, then get on a reality show where the little folk of America watch you dance and brand you a "star" (for 3 episodes)? I think not.

I for one applaud you Ms. Kardashian. You were my inspiration for getting on TV, and playing the role of myself as casually as I could. Sadly, noone wanted to have sex or dance poorly while doing so though. Those talentless bastards!

-a.

I Have a New Best Friend!

Yesterday I was on a game show called Head2Head on Spike TV. It’s a 2 minute game show that has 2 strangers compete via internet against one another in pop culture trivia for the sweet prize of $500 (before taxes). I cannot (and shall not) reveal the denouement of this 2 minute battle of wits before the eyes of Mark McGrath (that’s right, Mr. Sugar Ray himself). But I will say that I achieved a new occupation, and that is: “TV Personality.”

So I apologize Mom, but I will not be taking the garbage out like you’ve asked (and nagged) all morning long. For I am a TV Personality, and as such, I cannot risk causing harm to my nationally entertaining body.

Also I would like to give a shout out to my new best friend: Mark McGrath. “Hey Buddy!”

-adam.

A Lesson in Love

I cherish the miracle of love and celebrate it daily (you heard me). But the lyrics to “Escape (The Pina Colada song)” by Rupert Holmes are atrocious. It is a smutty tune about a man unhappy with his current relationship who happens to read the personals in bed next to his sleeping lover (despicable!). He answers said want ad with his own and says for them to meet. The two indeed do, only to discover that his new lover is his current lover (the one he clearly cheated on while she was sleeping).

And neither of them see anything wrong with this!? They just laugh and “love” forever more. I for one never knew two whores could create such a bond of debauchery.

I haven’t even gotten to the most ridiculous part. The want ad speaks of liking pina coladas, getting caught in the rain, not liking yoga and having half a brain (oddly enough it doesn’t suggest having a soul. Hmm…).

This is all that is required for a lasting relationship? Alcoholic beverages, ignoring a good stretch, and taking a liking to precipitation? These harlots have a lot to learn about love; and I’m just the trained professional to guide them.

Rule #1:
Don’t respond to personal ads while in a current relationship (especially when your significant other is next to you in bed). This is just rude and skanky.

Rule #2:
Ask for more out of someone besides getting trashed and not exercising regularly.

Rule #3:
I cannot stress this one enough; please do NOT write shitty songs.

Now dear readers you are certified to “get biz-ay!”

-Prof. Adam

Mr. Richrath,You'll Never Be A Journalist With Songs Like This.

In the REO Speedwagon song Take It on the Run guitarist (and the song’s writer) Gary Richrath opens it with the line:

“I heard it from a friend who,

Heard it from a friend who,

Heard it from another you been messin’ around.”

I’ll ignore Gary’s poor use of the English language, with his omission of “have” between “you” and “been”. Also please look away from the missing “g” in “messin’.” Tsk, Tsk "rock star".

But what I cannot ignore is the fact that he wrote a whole song based on the most unreliable information in the world. His source is not primary, nor secondary, and on top of that this other person he doesn’t even know. He goes out of his way to not use the term “friend”. So Mr. Richrath is writing hit songs based on hearsay? Never has such a poor excuse for a Billboard Top song been done since the likes of The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia. You see in that song an innocent man is hanged based on weak evidence and a “make-believe” trial.

This message is not to my (very few) readers, but to all you song writers out there. Please gather more facts and evidence before you go all willy-nilly with half-truths and white lies. I beg of you, someone write a song that has a strong source, and lots of detailed information. For instance:

“Well my 83 year old Grandmother told me this morning (6/5/2009) at 9:12am that she witnessed a Male Caucasian in his mid-twenties hit and run a small dog (Golden Retriever, his name is ironically “Lucky” - which is not as ironic when compared to my dog’s name: ‘The best pedestrian in North America’. PS He’s a Collie.) This here car which has yet to be caught has a license plate of NH3-8541 and has a ‘How’s My Driving’ sticker on the bumper (which is very ironic).”

Is that so hard? Now let’s find the perp before I sell a gold record!

-a.