The Phantom Menace

The Year was 1999. The world was preparing for the “turn of the millennium” with Bill Clinton at the helm of USS USA. “Y2K” was all the buzz. But some people did not care for these things. Some people were too distracted with their extreme excitement for the coming of a new age. A new age that would not take us forward in time, but back in time; to an age of before where we are currently at. Yes I am speaking of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

No one was ready for the coolness that this film was going to exude, and future films of coolness that those originally exuded coolness fumes would exude.

I went with my friend (and fellow Star Wars nerd) Joey and his sister Janette. We went to the Commack theater on a Saturday afternoon expecting nothing but the coolest experience ever. Normally during a Star Wars film I’m not paying too much attention to my snacks, but this film was a special case. I found myself bored out of my mind and eating an entire large bag of popcorn to erase the moments of the Galactic Senate bickering, and the rest of the medium popcorn shared by my sibling friends to get through that damn podrace on Tatooine.

Well once that podrace was over I thought for sure that the film was too, but wait--what was this? A battle between the Gungans of Naboo and the droid army that no one gives a shit about?

WOW! Show me more please.

WHAT!?

We get to see a young Darth Vader single-handedly and accidentally shoot down the blockade flagship (Saak’ak) while paling it up with R2-D2? Incredible! That has to be the climax of this movie. No? A duel of the fates you say? Darth Maul versus a young padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi and his Jedi master Qui-Gon Jinn? The only thing that can make this movie cooler is the addition of kung-fu in a lightsaber duel. YESSSSS!

That was the only thing lacking in a lightsaber duel. A glowing fucking sword that hums awesomely while glowing and cutting/cauterizing anything it touches (save another lightsaber blade) was lacking something and Lucas knew what it was…kung-fucking-fu!

So I’d just like to take some time out and thank Mr. George Lucas for making up for the things that the original trilogy was lacking:

1) Kung-fu

and

2) Politics.

I say, nothing gets me more pumped than an argument over trade routes and blockades. Why, the last time I watched C-SPAN I was so overwhelmed with adrenaline that I ran down my block and slayed a family of four.

-a.