Ironic or Expected?

Each Sunday my incredibly Italian and hungry parents like to have a large dessert after dinner. Today was no exception as they urged me to go to the bakery and pick up a lot of unnecessary sweets. I caved in after hearing my dad share in my desire for some pumpkin pie.

While waiting for the young girl to finish my order I realized that the radio was playing Pour Some Sugar on Me by Def Leppard and couldn't help but question if it was considered ironic or expected for a bakery to be playing that tune.


With bear claws for hands,
Adam.

If a Snowman was my Landlord

If a snowman was my landlord, he'd have strict guidelines to adhere to when it came to using the heater. He'd also probably charge a lot for rent since he's used to living outside and would consider housing a luxury.

What a douche.



Indoors too often,
Adam.

If Adam was having relationship troubles in 1895 and just caught his girlfriend cheating on him, he'd say the following to her two-timing ass:

HOW DARE YOU?! Why, you're worse than the yellow journalism of Pulitzer and Hearst!


Woman may be flirty, but I'm QWERTY,
Adam

If Adam was having relationship troubles in 1999 and was also in elementary school, he'd say the following to the girl he liked:

Girl, you're my Pidgeotto -- I choose you!



Better than Ash, Brock and Misty combined,
Adam.

Survey for Love

Hunger Strike:


Romantic? or Psychotic?




Starving for a kiss,
Adam.

Tales from the Script

Excellent film. I think it's really great to tell aspiring screenwriters how tough the road is to landing a job and how you'll rarely be respected because it humbles you a bit (as well as pisses you off greatly). The film teaches you a lot of stuff from successful screenwriters who give advice and anecdotes -- keep an eye out for William Goldman, he's a nut.

I also learned that John August comes off as the nicest guy ever. Seriously, he's like the Moby of scriptwriters. I mean that as a compliment.


Where Porcelain meets Big Fish,
Adam.

If the shoe fits.

To my surprise, I actually put my sneaker on the wrong foot today. I have not done that since the Clinton administration. Other things that happened today that I haven't done since 1993-2001 include but are not limited to:

-Running


That is all.


Lacing up for the 42nd President,
Adam.

Been there, done that.

Pop superstar, Katy Perry, was performing a homecoming concert at her old high school when she spotted an old crush who "never gave her the time of day." She began mocking him and saying that she's better off with her husband Russell Brand.

Let me just state that I've already done this, Yahoo News. Super Pal and guitarist Mike Goldense and I formed a band (Adam's Apples) solely to get revenge on my ex-girlfriend at the time. Mike wrote insanely fast (and short) "music" to my insanely fast and incoherent lyrics. So I did it better, and more extreme than my contemporary; Katy Perry.

Now my ex never found a way to our shows, but her name was slandered up and down back then all in the name of "good fun" oh and "revenge!" HA!

Get your facts straight before you give big credit to the people riding on my coattails.



Still trailblazing,
Adam.

In my day, everybody got on TV!

Earlier this week I was perusing the internet for a video of me on HEAD2HEAD the Spike TV game show I was on last summer. It took me a while but I found it.

SPIKE.COM: Check out the premier online destination for Men! | | SPIKE.com

Now watch as I only speak to Mark McGrath after the producer specifically told me and the other contestant to feel free and flirt with the lady host.


Sexing it up to the wrong crowd,
Adam.

The Amazing Tony

Part-time magician
with a condition:
inflated head and
a bad case of
sleight of hand.
Took a gig
to pay his rent.
Pulled a rabbit
and wound up when?
And wound up when?
And wound up when?
And wound up when?

Part-time magician
with a condition:
misplaced in time,
low on tissues
for his wet eyes.
Took a chance
to return home
sawed a woman in half
and wound up when?
And wound up when?
And wound up when?
And wound up when?

Full-time jester
with a temper.
Lost his head
and his pride
for jokes he said.
Approached the king
"I entertain!" He said.
Employed for a day
and wound up dead.


Misplaced in time himself,
Adam.

So long 98.6°

There's an epidemic plaguing America known as Bieber Fever and the temperature's rising!





Healthy as a (Bieber-obsessed) horse,
Adam.

TMZzzzzzzz...

Another Wednesday filled fill visiting my grandmother at her nursing home. We sat, ate lunch gabbed and oh yeah: couldn't help but overhear TMZ blaring from her roommates TV set.

I've never seen nor heard a moment from this show (but knew of its existence) and let me tell you this show flat out sucks--unless you love hearing stupid gossip about random celebs and seeing shaky videos of them not in make-up then buck up for a good time.

Today's episode spoke of a Dance Off at a bowling alley between the two hottest (young) stars out there: The Karate Kid; Jaden Smith and the Canadian Kid; Justin Bieber. Before you all assume that the roundhousing spawn of the Fresh Prince won this competition let me put the rumors to bed and let you all know that the boy beneath the coif--Justin Bieber--stole the show with a moonwalk on one of the lanes. Now that takes talent, and I should know since I once slipped the moment my foot went over the line. Then the girl I liked at the time (and all of our friends) laughed hysterically at me for a long, long, long time.

Cursing Bieber's bowling alley moves,
Adam.

New TV show idea!

I love these moments. The early phase of expanding a simple idea. The creativity that flows from one's self as he or she brainstorms a thousand hurricanes of story arcs and plots. Characters forming and dissolving within the same thought.

Only to then re-evaluate your entire idea and realize that half of it won't work--but when you eliminate one idea it's easier to form another which only leads to a deeper plot that...



Escaping reality with the touch of my fingers,
Adam.

Facebook status = GUILTY!

In Detroit, Michigan (what! WHAT!) a juror was removed from the trial because she posted

"gonna be fun to tell the defendant they're guilty." On her Facebook page and the defendant's father saw the comment.

This reminds me of the time I murdered someone then blogged about it:

King of the Road

Stabbing and spelling,
Adam.

I got $200 on the North!

If you ignored the article on Anne Hathaway's new hair and found this one, I applaud you for not being a douche.

Apparently some PA citizens are all for a casino to be built in Gettysburg, but they seem to not understand how rabid and obsessive Civil War preservationists are. They are second to only Star Wars nerds. Which makes me so proud to assume that this may be the one time that people with power (a.k.a. greedy people) will lose to knowledgeable geeks. Analogy = C-3P0 defeating Jabba the Hutt. Yeah, it's pretty hard to imagine and believe.

Muskets over money,
Adam.

2010 Emmy Winner for Best Comedy

I knew it. Modern Family is the best comedy right now, hands down! Steven Levitan, an alumni of the Critic, and Christopher Lloyd (no, not the guy from Taxi) have created a real winner here. It's quite inspiring when you think of what Steven said during his first acceptance speech about how two years ago the show was a germ of an idea. This gives me hope for my original ideas. I just hope it also gives hope to my parents who seem to not care for my being home so damn much.

EEK!

With hope and unemployment,
Adam.

What about Horace Grant?

The Chicago Bulls are honoring Scottie "I'm Not Jordan" Pippen with a statue in the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame to commemorate his achievements in not being as good as Michael Jordan. Story is HERE!

Now, I hope they keep this strategy of "honoring people less good than the true All-Stars" by commemorating Horace Grant's less-than-Pippen style with at least an origami fold-out of his likeness complete with goggles.

Looking out for my Power Forwards,
Adam.

How could you, Peter Murphy!?

I've been informed that Peter Murphy (the beyond awesome front man of Bauhaus and the band Peter Murphy) is in the latest movie for the Twilight Saga (Eclipse). This is quite upsetting. Now thirteen year old girls and their out of touch mothers will know of Peter Murphy for all the wrong reasons. They'll know him from being a Cold One (or is it the Cold One?). When he should be known for his brutal yet outstanding screams and Bowie-esque vocals.

Sorry for being a fanboy,
Adam.

The Woman under "the Rachel" is absent minded.

Jennifer Aniston said "retard" on Live! With Regis and Kelly (although a different co-host was there in lieu of Kelly).

I for one am glad she did this because now I won't look so cruel to people when I tell them that I have a personal rule to never watch any of her films.

-a.

No more allergies!

Fed up with my new found disease, I went to CVS to buy some Claritin. I took one pill and have had no discomfort since 11 a.m. yesterday after three days of scratching my throat with my tongue.

Now I spend my new found free time hoping that my body doesn't get the idea to strike me with scurvy.


With Tropicana in my free hand,
Adam.

Apparently I have allergies

Yep, after 26.5 years here my body decided to deteriorate and begin an allergy that's triggered from the changing of the seasons. This is just two years after deciding that I should be lactose-intolerant.

I wouldn't be surprised if my body decided to give me any other trivial ailments like scurvy next.

With no lack of Vitamin C,
Adam

KFC, the "C" stands for "Controversy."

Yahoo! has brought something interesting to my attention. Apparently KFC franchise owners are trying to sue the KFC corporation for confusing its customers by having commercials refer to the restaurant as "Kentucky Grilled Chicken." They are not ashamed of having fried food and feel that Colonel Sanders himself would agree. Besides this not being confusing it is silly. Although it does remind me of the time when Medusa's head of snakes attacked her face because she started that Atkins diet--biatch.

-Colonel Adam.

Patience is a Virtue

I'd like to think that I am a patient man when it comes to almost everything except one and that is LOST. Yes, this past Friday I buckled under the pressure and watched the leaked copy of The New Man in Charge, and was generally satisfied. I think they had the perfect strategy for this release since these 12 minutes of footage wouldn't be properly appreciated immediately following the heartwarming denouement. Having us wait a few months to have the small things left unanswered answered was genius--just like the series as a whole.

Thank you!

-a.

PS I will still be buying the Season 6 box set Aug. 24th. So my watching the leaked episode did not detain your DVD sales ABC.

OFFICIAL!

Apparently the Epilogue episode is official! It will be on the DVD! :) :) :) :) :)

Note: I'm fully aware that this post has nothing to do with remotely trying to show off my writing skills nor does it have anything that I can chalk up to being "productive" but it is about 12 unseen minutes of LOST and that's good enough for me and the other 4,815,162,342 people who care) ;)

A LOST Wrap-up???

LOSTpedia had a link to TVoverMind regarding this fantastic news. The 12 minute episode is written by three LOST writers but none of which are Damon Lindelof or Carlton Cuse. This has me very skeptic as to if this episode is canon.

I'll defintiely watch it (several times) but until Damon or Carlton give word of it being official (or if the episode is part of the season 6 DVD set) I'll have to treat it like a well done speculation.

Either way, I'm totally excited for this!

-a.

LOST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hangar 18

I have sad news: today is the last day with my sister and nephews, they will be taking a flight at 1:55pm back home to their husband/father in Florida.

In non-sad news: I saw a quick cartoon that features the cars from the Disney/Pixar film, Cars, in short stories. This one featured Mater discovering the secrets inside an airplane hangar. The building clearly stated "Hangar No. 18." I freaked assuming that someone behind the episode liked Megadeth, but Wikipedia says that hangar 18 is the famous building from Area 51--which makes sense since Mater was in the desert--so I'm just ill-informed on alien conspiracies that weren't clearly mentioned in all 9 seasons of the X-Files.

-a.

The Award for Coolest Grandpa in the World Goes to the Guy who Knows who Frank Castle is!

This past weekend I went to the Sayville Summerfest with super pal Chontel. The town closes the street down and they invite vendors and civilians to wander aimlessly and buy homemade crap.

While staggering through the streets I saw an old man wearing a shirt that read: "You're Looking at the Coolest grandpa in the World." Then literally behind him was a much older man wearing a Punisher t-shirt. Now he is the coolest grandpa in the world--regardless of if he ever had children who bore children themselves.

-a.

Island Hopping

Today my family and I will be going from Long Island to Manhattan for sightseeing and purchasing. Enjoy your Friday, smellbags!

(you totally didn't see that coming, did you?)

-a.

A (potentially) Funny Ramble

I don't get Celebrity Stalkers--well the ones that stalk lame celebrities. Like the girl that was obsessed with Paula Abdul in 2009. Really? 2009 Paula Abdul? That's like 21 years after Coldhearted Snake. What a waste of a celebrity obsession. I mean, you no longer see people freaking out over, say, Steve Guttenberg--except for me after I watch Three Men and a Little Lady, because Three Men and a Baby is not as much of a joke fest AND whats up with that ending? A gunfight in a parking garage? Where did that come from? They must have put that scene in for the dad's who's family forced him to watch it so he can be like "Oh, guns and Tom Selleck this is very much like Magnum P.I. and some other shit"--which some would claim to be a bit redundant.

-a.

Daydreaming

I often daydream of how much sweeter life will be when I move to LA. I usually imagine myself working on staff as a writer for a TV series and in my downtime spending as much time as possible with Chontel. I then get a bit creative and pretend as if my writing buds also happen to love board games and Warhammer (be it Fantasy or 40k).

But today I discovered the greatest part of moving out of my parent's house and going to LA: I will never again hear Boz Scaggs. That's right, as my mom drove us to my grandmother's old place to clean it out, we heard the awfulness that is "Leo" by Mr. Scaggs. I hope that was the last time.

See you never, Boz-o!

-a.

Poor Writer/Great Uncle

Here I am, waiting for some words to pop into my head but only finding bits and pieces of lyrics from Fall songs. Normally I'm quite inspired when I hear them, but for right now I'm lost for ideas. Nothing is on the tip of my tongue but dehydration, and I wait, and I wait, and I wait...

But nothing follows, just a drumbeat and the line "I'm into CB." MES is a genius, I can only hope to write as well as him, and maybe inspire others to do what they do to their fullest.

As for today, I fail at being a writer.

On a brighter note; I pass as an Uncle since I've done only the following things so far:
Made scrambled eggs for my nephews.
Played a game where I chase them and "eat" them.
Ate lunch with them.
Played catch with a baseball.
Played catch with a Frisbee.
Played the card game "War" and let my nephew win.
Neglected them completely to write this poor post--wait, that's not good for both categories!

-a.

Lindsay Lohan has been freed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Looks like I can finally get some well needed sleep tonight, knowing that my Lil' Lindsay is safe from harm's way.

Thank you, America!

-a.

He's Better than Matthew Perry

I have just been hit with a major bomb drop.

Yahoo! has a story that has Matt Leblanc admitting to dying his hair black for the entire run of the hit* TV show Friends. What's next, Sean Hayes who played Jack McFarland on the hit* series Will & Grace is actually gay?

You're a sneaky one, Hollywood.

-a.

*= depends who you ask.

Great VidCraft!

Digg had this awesome video featured on their site: Lego StarCraft

This is just so bad-ass. The only problem I have with it is that it's featured and discussed when StarCraft 2 is released. Where were these people 5 years ago? Come on, gang!

-a.

Snookie and J-Woww!!!

I just signed up for a chance to party with Snookie and J-Woww right after I got done reading a short story by Richard Matheson.

Yeah, I'm pretty much everything MTV is looking for in this contest. I mean come on it's so simple to imagine me hanging with a slutty Stepford wife and her assistant Igor------------------------------------------------------------------------------->



-a.

NOTE: yes, I blogged earlier but disliked it so much that I deleted it and posted this instead. Perhaps now my mother can be proud of me.

Rally for the Parent Trap remake star.

Digg.com had this dispicable news to report.

I don't believe people cared this much about Nelson Mandela.

I hate all of you who march for her, please find something better to do.

-a.

Not Canon!

LA Times reported that a man dressed as Darth Vader and robbed a bank in Setauket, NY.

He's very lucky that I wasn't there because I would've been complaining that:
1) Lord Vader doesn't use any weapons besides the force and his lightsaber--let alone a handgun.
2) He should've cosplayed as a Stormtrooper since they carry blasters (at the very least).
3) I feel as if your peripheral vision is completely shutdown when wearing that mask and totally would've kicked his ass for disgracing not just the Star Wars Universe but also one of the greatest villians of all time. To turn a great warrior who fell from grace and is hunting his very son and daughter into a petty thief is one of the lamest things a person could do. Well, besides nitpicking the geeky flaws in said lameness.

Tsk, tsk, dude. You're a traitor and part of the Rebel Alliance. Take her away! I mean him--him!

-a.

Productive Day? You tell me.

I met up with my friend from LA, we discussed the industry, my scripts and random douche bags in Hollywood (I luckily don't know as many as he).

Afterward I surprised my grandmother with a pizza lunch. (I'm that kind of guy).

Fast forward to later on where I traded in my old Sega Genesis and NES games for... (wait for it)

Star Soldier: Vanishing Earth! It's not the best shooter, but it's fun especially when "free."

I'm now off to eat some Thai for a friend's birthday.

So yeah, it's been pretty productive over here.

In case you're wondering here's my top score so far:
Hi-Score: 226,906,017
Max Hit: 13031 <-- palindrome!
Ship: Blue <-- certainly not a palindrome.
Stage: Final Mission end boss. (I almost had him!!!)

-a.

I failed Tuesday

I missed posting yesterday due to my family's annual trip to the water park Splish Splash. Normally I'm a bit defeated when I miss a post here but I'm just glad that I didn't ignore ol' Wednesday.

Since today is the day I usually deny a post, I figured that I'd celebrate by posting. Now, most of you will probably perceive this post as mundane and uninformative and I resent that. You see, I feel as if this post is important because I will now reveal to you all the cure for the common cold:

SPOILER WARNING!!! (scroll to the bottom if you dare)








































Just inhale through your nose--the hair follicles inside of it capture dirt--and exhale out of your mouth. Also, try your best to avoid germs and people who are sick, becoming sick, or just coming over a sickness.

-Dr. Adam.

For Arthur Miller

Thought this one up at the bank earlier today. I was going to draw it, but decided to use Paint since it's been quite a while.

Thinking of speccing Castle.

I've done quite a bit of half-hour comedies since I realized my passion for TV writing last year. Now I think it's time for me to write a dramedy to show more facets of my ability and to conquer another challenge from behind my laptop and I don't mean Warcraft 2.

But the DVD set for Season 1 (10 episodes on 3 discs) is $35 at BestBuy--no thanks! I'll have to do it the old-fashioned way: Tivo and Hulu.

Thanks old-timey internet and technology! Now in the spirit of such I shall use a battlecry from Warcraft 2 as I research Castle: "We're ready master--I'M NOT READY!"
NOTE: I'm the Ogre head that is ready--OH, and we're an Ogre-Mage not just a plain Ogre. Got that?

ALT+B ALT+B ALT+B!

-a.

Why do I always neglect Wednesday posts?

I'm never truly busy on Wednesdays, and yet every "hump day" (I hate that phrase) I completely forget that I maintain a blog.

Let's hope I'm a lot better at being a dad if/when that ever happens. For those readers who don't actually know about my life outside of this blog, you probably assume never.

Well I'm off to box up a board game that I'm trading for other board games, then I'll rack my brain for the remainder of the night trying to fathom what a naked woman looks like.

-a.

3 separate posts that combine to make 1!

My mom returned today (with my nephews) and as I waited for them to get off of the plane I went to the lighthouse model to envision a battle, and then I saw the sign that read: "Fire Island." This whole time I just assumed that the model was of the lighthouse at Montauk Point, never Fire Island. My imaginative, miniature battles have been flawed with fantasy!!!

Also, I saw the final two episodes of Happy Town on ABC.com this morning and I have to say that they were really good. I guess you need to get the supernatural stuff out there quick before people stop watching. It was good and the creators should do some sort of wrap-up with the series.

Finally, a big KUDOS to Peter Outerbridge for his portrayal of "Handsome" Dan Farmer. He played a deranged yet witty cop very well. Be sure to check out his other work from Millennium (another show that deserves a well-to-do wrap up).

I'm a Graduate of Comedy College!

Yep, I was told how to tell a joke. Did you know that a joke is broken down into two parts? Neither did I!

Part 1) "The Set-up" -this is where you set up your joke for part 2-
"I saw my ex-girlfriend the other day."

Part 2) "The Punchline" -this is where you hit the audience with the funny part-
"But she didn't see me because she was blindsided by a bus!"

Now it sounds simple, but it's hard to rack my brain for funny thoughts. Like for instance the first joke I ever wrote was:

"I prefer Irish Spring soap over Ivory."

I was told that this is a "statement" and not so much considered a "joke."

But after intense writing sessions I could write funny jokes such as:

See above (the one about my ex getting run over. Note: that didn't actually happen, thank goodness. I also learned that you can lie on stage and that no one will really know or even care.)

-adam.

PS I was lying about liking Irish Spring over Ivory, but apparently it still isn't funny.

WAR! What is it good for? GAMING!

My nephews are visiting! But not yet. My mom has to go take a flight to Florida to pick them up (because I'm a huge sissy when it comes to planes) then she'll return Tuesday with them.

In just a little bit I'll be taking her to MacArthur airport, and probably escort her inside where they have an amazing model of the lighthouse at Montauk Point. Now, I know this is lame but everytime I see that model I always wish I could bring my Axis & Allies minis (from the board game) and storm the beaches of Montauk!

What's weird is war is a terrible thing, but it's so fun, exciting and awesome when played out with miniatures and detailed terrain.


-a.

Summit has gone too far!

Digg.com showed me this ridiculous article on Summit Entertainment, and how they are suing and shutting down most companies for using stock photos of the Twilight movie franchise.

" The law may be on Summit's side in some cases, but the spirit of what the company is doing -- shutting down almost anyone referencing Twilight without its permission -- shows the shortcomings in how we understand and interpret copyright law. "






So in the spirit of me trying my best to bother people:






























TEAM JACOB!!!

Pipe Dreams... AGAIN!

I've been re-watching some episodes of the X-Files and I'm starting to get that urge to be an investigator again.

I just imagine myself like Mulder investigating creepy cases of Fluke Monsters, Vampires or Werewolves. When in reality I'll probably stick my nose out in somebody's business who catches me (easily) and roughs me up. Now I've never been in a real fight, so "roughing me up" will do plenty of damage and be the equivelent of beating me half to death.

I hate being a sissy who wants to track down murderous vampires with a flashlight and an inquisitive mind.

-a.

Disappointment

Apparently SyFy decided to not host a marathon of Twilight Zone episodes. Instead they opted for The Greatest American Hero.

7/4/2010 will forever be a date that will live in infamy. I'm just glad Rod Serling (and FDR) aren't here to see it.

-a.

1776 to 2010

This Sunday is the 4th of July, and I'll be celebrating with some outdoors action followed by ye' old patriotic tradition of watching the Twilight Zone marathon on SyFy.

Thanks, Georgie Wash!

Enjoy!

-a.

PROOF READ!!!!!!

Just a heads up, before submitting a script or application make sure to READ EVERYTHING CAREFULLY! Sometimes you may just misread "characteristics" as "characters" and look like a total ass to a studio.

-a.

Submitted for your approval!

Yep, I submitted my script and application today. And I've celebrated by gluing and priming some Warhammer 40k models. After this post I'll go write up some recent ideas I got for my sci-fi tv show idea I've had. I think it's coming along nicely, but still plan on leaving it on the back burner since comedy is my flagship/forte.

But it's fun to have additional writing projects!

If you read this blog and write, keep it up. If you don't then do what you love--unless what you love is murdering turtles, then please stop that.

-a.

Twilight ruins marriages?

Yahoo had an article today about how some marriages got a bit "rocky" because one of the spouses got a little too into the Twilight series and characters.

And everyone's blaming some goth wannabe skank for breaking up Sandra Bullock and her hubby, Jesse James, when in fact it was all Edward's fault.

Team Jacob for life--sorry, dear.

-a.

Finished my Fellowship Essays

The title does not lie!

I find it funny that there aren't too many careers where applicants (or applicans) are willing to write one page essays about why they want to pursue that particular field. I know for a fact that I never would have written anything on why I want to be an Office Assistant: "I've wanted to be an Office Assistant ever since I learned the alphabet. Once I got to the letter 'F,' I just knew this is where I belong--a dusty room filled with rusted filing cabinets."

Enjoy the weekend!

-a.

Cut that hair and shave that 'stache!

I'm not into fashion at all, but the one don't I know is to just not have long, hippie hair and a gross, thin mustache. Just don't do it, guys. No one is impressed that you're both Gomez and Morticia!

Thank you.

-a.

Regrets:

Before I was funny solo, I was in a sketch troupe that had an awesome name and did very little. We were The Square Foot and we had many great ideas that never came to fruition. We were young and lazy.

Surprisingly, the laziest (me) decided to take a sketch writing class at the Upright Citizens Brigade Training Center in NYC. Thanks to the class I was informed about Liquid Courage a (then) weekly Friday night show at midnight that lets sketch troupes practice their work in front of a live audience.

We showed up way too early and were let in to watch the troupe on stage. I was separated from the remaining square feet because I was caught off guard by seeing Paul Sheer on stage. This was long before Human Giant but still interesting because I knew him from Best Week Ever. Though he always made me laugh on that show he failed me greatly that night.

During a scene about dads looking for Christmas trees and lights, one asked for a tree like the one from the Lord of the Rings films. Then Paul Sheer decided to ask for a Death Star to place atop of the tree and he proceeded to say "it's the size of a small planet."

No! The Death Star is not the size of a small planet, but the size of a small moon. I so badly wanted to shout this and be the dick who thought greater of himself. But I let it go and to this day don't know why I did. I'd just love to brag about how I was a complete ass solely because someone mis-quoted and mis-sized the Death Star.

Oh, well.

Paul Sheer has redeemed himself by being probably as huge of a LOST fan as I am and always will be. So he's cool in my book.

Hotter than Tatooine

Found this awesome link on Digg.com

It contains sexy pics of Star Wars sand sculptures. Kudos to all involved, but I must give my personal approval to the two sculptures of Jabba. It's just too apropos for the sand.

On that note--Happy Father's Day, dads!
-a.

Bobby Fischer's Body to be Exhumed for DNA to see if he's the Father of a Filipino Girl

Story on Digg.com

Some people feel that exhuming a body is just wrong. I can understand that but this is the one time to look the other way because if the story is true then Bobby Fischer gave hope to all the girl deprived chess players throughout the world!

Go, Bobby, go.

-a.

Re-writing my Pilot for the 5th time--from scratch

Yep, yesterday and today have been filled with me re-writing the pilot to a TV show idea that I've had for about three plus years from scratch. I was naive enough to believe the first draft was astounding and submitted it to the NYTVF Pilot Script contest last year only to not be contacted about it (rightfully so).

From there I wrote it again taking into account my friends notes. At first I thought my friend was way off with his opinions until I started to gain much more experience in writing. Turns out he was dead on! From there it was a screenplay, web series and even a radio drama--just kidding.

The other day while driving I was hit with this epiphany on how to structure every single episode and to use an additional storytelling device. This wraps everything up in a nice, neat little package.

So for those of you writing specs, pilots, screenplays or whatever, be sure to have others read it and heed their advice because when you go to write up your script for the fifth time from scratch with a new storytelling device, you may realize that an old critique someone gave you works really well with your new direction.

-a.

What If? Tony Orlando was a Professor of Mathematics?

Here's a question taken from one of his exams:

"If Dawn knocks three times, how much does she love me?"

I've done this joke a few times in my stand-up act and it only entertained a single elderly lady each time. This makes me believe that it is good, I just need to stop doing this joke at bars and start doing shows at retirement homes.

-a.

Boston tea Party

It's been over 50 days and the oil spill in the Gulf (allegedly) caused by BP is still the only thing people keep talking about. Everyone keeps blaming Tony Hayward and asking what he plans to do to fix it. The man just wants his life back, and I believe that he's learned an important lesson here:

Don't be so eager to mimic 1773's Boston Tea Party with oil and have it be pumped into the water as opposed to dumping it. You just may have put one too many "spins" on this "impression," Tony, to make it your own and it seems to have been lost in translation.

I learned this lesson the hard way as well when I once pissed in the ocean just before "the man" slapped me a ticket for indecent exposure. Not surprisingly, my account had just as much impact on our culture and headlines.

I'd like to take this moment and thank Tony for this clusterfuck that finally got the heat off of me much like how I'm sure Samuel Adams was thankful for me getting the heat off of him.

Apologies, Aquaman.

-a.

Aardvark does it again!

I got to help someone from India who asked me what I considered to be the greatest Comedy TV show. So I wrote:

"I'd like to think the greatest Comedy TV show ever would be one that did not overstay its welcome, one that was consistently funny and also intelligent.

I believe that Arrested Development hit all of these marks. The show was very quick witted, and had such smart humor in it. If you watched an episode once then immediately re-watched it you would notice hilarious jokes said under one's breath or in the background that you'd miss the 1st time.

Absolutely brilliant!

I'd want to give this award to the Simpsons, but after like season 9 or 10 it started lacking, and after 13 it's just been all Republican and Religion jokes.

Enjoy!"


What a great invention. I love you, Aardvark!


-a.

Finish it already!!

Another Mortal Kombat movie? Why?

I must admit this looks the most interesting of the ones they've made so far, but it certainly lacks the real story. It's apparent that they want to make a Mortal Kombat film with the feel of the Dark Knight. I can't blame them, but I just don't see this doing well (especially after they killed off my favorite character in the trailer.)

To my greatest fan,
Cage.

Whoops, I mean:

-a.

Another Writing Contest!

Yep, NBC has one called Writers on the Verge; which is very much like the WB Workshop where top prize is being selected to attend a bi-weekly (that's two times a week) course.

It's a great opportunity and I suggest you all write, write, write-- and submit!

-a.

Justified Rambles

Super Pals Mike and Tim suggested I join a site called Aardvark (vark.com). It's a site that lets you sign up and claim expertise on specific topics. then people from around the globe ask you questions that are germain to your areas of expertise. You then answer them back and get evaluated on how helpful/knowledgeable you are.

My areas of expertise are: Star Wars, Comedy and Lord of the Rings. Just recently I realized that I could add LOST; and did. This morning I awoke to find that a man from Canada asked me what the ending to LOST was. I was hesitant to tell him and told him he should really watch the series. I figured he wouldn't but felt like talking about LOST anyway so I wrote for over an hour straight (leaving out sub plots).

I love you, aardvark, you make it necessary for me to lecture about things I love and can no longer speak about in front of my non-geeky friends.

-a.

Trenchcoat guy from 2001 (you know who you are)

Do you still listen to the "punk" band the Ataris? (note: he mispronounced the name as "At-aR-isss") And do you still believe in the powers of alchemy?

Just curious is all.

-a.

Suxaphone

I usually rent a bunch of DVD's from my local library quite frequently, and today on my way home after returning a stack of five films I was rocking out to Ink & Paper by Modern English and once that bridge hit, I got my usual case of nausea due to the saxaphone playing.

I just don't get it; why do such great bands like Bauhaus, The Cure and David Bowie feel the urge to add some saxophone to a track. Easily the last idea I have for anything is to apply some saxophone sounds to a situation.

It just comes off so cheesy to me, and not just Rock cheesy like Final Countdown but really cheesy. Like so cheesy it's gross and I feel the need for a shower or some sort of bouffant to match the sax.

-a.

No More LAN Parties?

Lousy, Blizzard.

Other than that geek-filled news, I shall be mailing out my spec script to the WB Workshop either later today or early tomorrow morning.

I hope you all are doing something just as exciting and important, if not than Do it! DO IT!

-a.

Dreaming of LOST

I had a dream about LOST last night where I forgot to watch the final episode.

I don't know what's more sad, that I had a dream regarding LOST, or that I know that I would never forget to watch it.

You tell me!

-a.

LOST rant (SPOILER WARNING!!!!)

MTV asked several NYC morons (excluding the tall guy) how they felt about the unanswered questions on LOST and most of them complain about crap they told us:

Aaron: it was revealed that the psychic who told Claire that her baby was special, was found out to be a fraud in the episode that he appears in that is Eko centric (I suck at title names for shows). That was the writers' way of letting that secret out, yet being sneaky about it.

Walt: they never explain him. Oh, well, they also never explained why Miles could commune with the dead.

The Island: The island is NOT what you make it to be! The island did in fact exist (under Jacob's rules) Hurley is believed to have changed Jacob's rules (thus allowing people to leave the island if they wish.) The island (I believe) was a testing facility for all of the cast (but the series focuses on Jack) [more in the next part]

Alternate Timeline: THIS was a sort of purgatory where our cast was to find one another after their test. Once they were found and united they would move forward to their Heaven. Basically the show was saying that these people created their own afterlife built of the most important people in their lives. Jack asks his father if they are dead and Christian replies: "Some before you and some long after you." He later says that "there is no 'now,' here." Meaning that time is irrelevant in the afterlife.

So to help the lady who refused to listen and finds it odd that Sawyer can be on the Aijira flight and simultaneously in the afterlife; there is no such thing as what we know as time in their afterlife. It runs parallel with the belief that we all are in Heaven prior to being born, then when we die here on Earth we return there. LOST had it be where our souls are in the afterlife already waiting for us, they already lived our life. Our bodies are just vessels for the Earth and once the body dies that part of your spirit (call it your mind, or conscious what have you) returns to your soul.

As to why Faraday, Miles, Charlotte and Lepidus are not gathered with our Losties, Desmond answers that to Eloise Hawking (Faraday's mother) when she asks "Are you taking my son?" and Desmond replies with "Ay, but not with me." Faraday did not have a deep relationship with the Losties, he had a stronger bond with Charlotte (who also didn't share much with our Losties). I feel that Miles and Lepidus should have been with them since they spent the most time with them, but this could be answered by them not realizing that the Alternate Timeline was the afterlife (we never saw Miles, Lepidus or Charlotte ever come to this realization, perhaps it happens at a later time <-- but how could it if time does not exist there? AAAAHHHhhhh...) To break it down further in case that woman is still confused; it's possible to exist in the Real World (i.e. Island) and simultaneously in the Alternate Timeline (aka afterlife) the show explained it but it used a bunch of big words and asked us to listen and slightly interpret. So just pretend that you got it. My remaining questions are what is up with the DHARMA station The Door? Or the Hurley Bird? Those are what truly matter.

I hope I helped in an obnoxious way ;)

-a.

Go Away White

LOST ended eleven hours ago, and I still cannot stop thinking about it. I know a lot of people have been upset with the series for the past three weeks (fools), but it has been and always will be brilliant.

Thanks so much for giving my sad life something to obsess over, now I get to move forward and hopefully conquer the world of script writing... if that fails there's always the DHARMA Initiative.

-a.

Lousy Melatonnin!

very little sleep last night + a small love seat = intense neck pains.

Oscar Worthy

I never considered myself an actor. I think that if I ever did any attempt at acting that wasn't for comedy that it would be the worst performance ever given... unless of course I was in an episode of LOST.

You see, I'm certain that if I was ever cast in an episode of that show that I would give an outstanding performance, simply because I want to believe the characters and situations are real. So if you have me play the role of someone who will stop at nothing to press the button every 108 minutes, then that is my new goal in life, period! I would live it and it would rock.

I'm sure the cast wouldn't want to hang with the psycho who keeps wearing his DHARMA suit off set, but whatever, I know that I'd be having a kick ass time.

4 8 15 16 23 42

-a.

Dispicable

In case you never took a gander at my profile, I have a pretty eclectic taste in music. I love Post-punk, goth, new wave, punk, metal, hardcore, and experimental. Not all of these bands write the nicest songs nor have the nicest titles for the songs, but they do it under their own moniker.

While researching one of these bands (Heiress) I noticed that they had a flyer for a show they played with a fellow metal band called Owen Hart. It's an unusual name so it definitely is based on the amazing wrestler who left us too soon. But this band has song titles such as: There are 8 year olds in hell, My Grandma is fucking a tranny from Alaska, and so on. I'm not one for censoring but this band, is in a way, incorporating the Owen Hart into this crap. I just feel that it isn't right, and that I hope his wife and family never find out (if the band refuses to discard the band name-- hint, hint, ditch it, guys.)


-a.

Rise of the Machines

If you decide to use the mechanical check out lane, please be kind enough to NOT BUY VEGETABLES OR FRUIT!!

It's very frustrating to watch you press the touch screen and think you got your six onions through. It's also frustrating to watch that smug look on your face as you proudly walk them to the bag area, only to see your disappointment that they didn't register and watch you walk over to them then back and start allover.

I hate you.

-a.

Russel Crowe Storms Out of Interview

Russell Crowe was apparently appalled by a reporter's query regarding his choice of accent in the new Robin Hood film. Russell couldn't comprehend how the interviewer was hearing him doing an Irish accent when he was going for Italian.

If you're curious how the interview went, here's an o'bloody link, you paizon!

I'm just curious as to what bothers him more; the fact that viewers can mis-interpret his acting style or that I've yet to view a moment of any one of his films.

Enjoy your weekend!

-a.

Huh?

What happens when a genie says "I wish I had the money for that?"


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Like it or leave it, that's all I have in me today. I've been busy writing a one page paper on why I want to be a TV writer, and working out a bunch of WarHammer trades. Sorry, gang.

-a.

Mad Cow? Never heard of it.

Why is it that Polio Pioneers are still regaled and respected? You think the first guy to get and be cured of Mad Cow had any fame? No. And it’s probably because society has no attention span anymore. Look at movies; when I was a kid I remember movies being 2 to 2 ½ hours long. Now; comedies run 90 and sometimes 80 minutes, I could watch 3 episodes of the office on DVD instead (which is cheaper than taking someone to the movies).

Inversely, the radio plays songs that are much longer than the traditional 3 minutes and 5 seconds, but the songs on the radio now suck much, much more than ever. (And I hate classic rock) Now, we spoon feed 14 year olds stardom for 9 weeks then they are forgotten. When was the last time any of you heard about High School Musical? They had to churn out a fast trilogy because people lose interest so quickly – I know that I did… I mean that my nephew did.

So what was I speaking about again? Oh yea, kudos to all you Polio Pioneers, thank you. And to the Mad Cow guy… well… better luck next time.

Lewd Law?

Digg.com had this to say about Jennifer LaPenta wearing a lewd shirt in court yesterday (which got her arrested). The shirt said "I have the (slang for female body part) so I make the rules."

More power to you, Jennifer. This reminds me of the time that I wore a homemade shirt for jury duty and got escorted out by three boys in blue. They felt my shirt was "too offensive." Really? Well if a shirt that reads; "**** Yourself, 'Honorable' Judge ******-*** Hendenmeir" is offensive, then I don't know what isn't. Oh, and on the back I had a picture me ****-******* his maternal parents while ******* on his over due bills.

Fight the good fight Jennifer, let "the man" know that this is 2010 and certainly not 1984!

-************* Adam.

NOTE: I'm legally not allowed to reproduce the words, and images on that shirt ever again, hence the censoring that "the man" forced me to do until the end of my days... or his ;)

New post?

Too busy to actually post. My time has been eaten up by burning DVD's and painting my WarHammer models.

-a.

See you all next week.

American Idol ratings are going quick

Yahoo has an article on this like it's a mystery. The loss of ratings are not caused by the absence of Adam Lambert, or even Sanjaya. It's because of Miss Paula Abdul.

I knew this show would hit rock bottom someday, I just didn't think that America needed to see how badly they/we needed Paula around to keep us viewing.

The powers that be at AI are cold hearted snakes for letting her go.

It's Cinco de Mayo Time!

Today is Cinco de Mayo (or May fifth for those of you who don't get Spanish Mathematics), and this day celebrates the unlikely victory that Mexico scored against the French in 1862.

More importantly than that; I used to do a weekly open mic at a crumby bar/restaurant called (that's right, you guessed it) Cinco de Mayo!

Here's a link to a vid of me performing there!

I chose this "poor" performance because yesterday was my parent's 32nd anniversary, and in my card to them I referenced this performance (the part where I lie down and weep to the Smiths). If you listen closely you can tell that my parents are quite confused over what I am trying to accomplish which was surprisingly rare since they like more straight forward comedy, yet genuinely appreciate what I do... 90% of the time.

HA!

-a.

Well, I finally Found 1 Place to Never Visit in the Star Wars Universe

A bunch of old, skanky women decided to pervert Star Wars and re-imagine a host of characters as old and skanky (work with what you know). They have tainted the following characters:
C-3Po
Princess Leia (in her slave outfit -- surprise!)
Jabba the Hutt
Darth Vader
Boba Fett
and a Stormtrooper (they never specify if it's Corporal Drazin, Trooper Davin Felth or TK-421 -- or 422 for that matter)

I've never understood when people decide to slut up something (like Simpson porn) but this is mind boggling. Why ruin something that is already hanging by a thread thanks to it's greedy and moronic creator? Let sleeping gundarks lie, am I right?

Get those specs ready!

The Warner Brothers workshop is accepting submissions starting May 1st through June 1st!

LINK!

Time to get nervous and re-write and re-write and re-write...

The Hole with a View

Let me begin by apologizing for missing a day (yet again). I was quite busy, but I had a good blog idea (I think). So, please pretend this post is for yesterday Wed. April 28.

Courtney Love was on the View today and played quite a soft song for all the housewives in the audience. The hosts of the show then came and sort of hugged her, and she gave a kiss to Whoopi's cheek. It was... touching?

In all seriousness it was nauseating. When Hole first started she claimed that she wanted the band to sound like Pay Your Rates by The Fall. They never did and they certainly don't now.

Way to sell out your vision.


Here's a YouTube link for those of you interested in hearing an amazing song. (The Fall one I mentioned, not Hole's old lady performance from yesterday--err... I mean "today.")

-a.

Entertaining Lies

There is nothing I love more than a lie to fool the world with. PIXAR has attempted it, and their execution is flawless.

Meet Lots-O-Huggin Bear. The newest character in Toy Story 3. Since he didn't exist... ever, PIXAR decided to do some viral marketing by creating a commercial for him (circa 1983) complete with VHS flaws and crappy effects to build up this new character.

They honestly had me believe he existed, until I saw the Yahoo news posting. Here's a link to the YouTube video for the lazy people out there.

I've fool friends, family, small rooms of people and I just hope one day I can fool the world.

-a.

Beatle Mania!

Does anyone honestly buy Beatles albums anymore? If I liked the band, I believe that I'd just download their music because the remaining members are rich. They've gotten enough of America's money, and it's time for some action in the form of digital theft!

Unite and download Rubber Soul (or be like me and not like the Beatles.)


Good talk.

-a.

(belated) Kudos to Kevin Tighe!

I recently blogged about my congratulations to Samm Levine for being on my two most favorite shows ever (Lost and Freaks & Geeks). But last night I watched the F&G episode "Smooching & Mooching" and lo and behold Kevin Tighe plays Nick Andopolis' dad. Kevin also plays John Locke's father! The difference? Well his character on F&G didn't push Nick out of an eight story window (although I'm sure he'd like to at times).

I apologize for forgetting this valuable piece of information the other day!

-a.

PS: I also apologize for forgetting to blog yesterday. I'm sure my Zero readers don't mind. In fact my fanbase will be known as the Phantoms, since they don't exist ;)

I Still Cannot Get Over It

You gave it your best shot, Kate. Please don't give up. Never surrender. Hold on to that towel, and above all else keep reaching for (and dancing with) the stars!

-a.

Earth Day just another shopping day?

That's what stores are trying to make us consumers believe. It's pretty despicable. That's why I will not be inviting my neighbor who works at Macy's for my annual Arbor Day BBQ and Swap Meet.

For shame!

If you like not laughing, here's the article link from Digg.com

-a.

I'm glad Congress couldn't save beeps or else there'd be a lot of 143's to catalog.

Digg.com had this story about how every tweet will be (and currently is being) cataloged by the library of Congress.

Now every drunk who decided to tweet a string of random swear words to his equally drunken friend will have their "conversation" preserved until the end of time.

And I used to respect that the Library of Congress deemed Star Wars prevalent enough to mankind that it be preserved in their vault.

Or maybe I'm just jealous that I don't have a cell phone and cannot text "Dizzy dick, fart splash on a shitty window sill" and have my children's children's children look it up on a whim while they attend Mars University.

:(

-a.

Hurry and Catch Up!

I have a friend who's close to catching up with LOST and he was unsure where he could watch season 6 episodes (from the beginning) so I sent him this link.

I wanted to post it here also, in case there were other unfortunate folks unsure how to catch up to the current (and final) season. Enjoy!

-a.

Kudos to Samm Levine!

This past Tuesday's episode of LOST featured a quick scene with Samm Levine. This man has done the impossible and has been on both of my favorite TV shows; Freaks and Geeks and LOST. You, my good man, have achieved more than any other by being on the two greatest shows ever to be produced.

KUDOS!

-a.

Legendary Pink Dots

To my parents great dismay, I am wearing a pink t-shirt today. My mother keeps asking friends and family if it's OK for a man to wear a pink shirt, they all reply with "no." This makes her and my father very nervous and upset with my wearing this shirt.

I guess my plain pink shirt has a magic eye image that reveals a unicorn dry humping a rainbow... a male rainbow.

I still don't see the problem --or the unicorn-- but I think I can make out the rainbow.

-a.

I Go Against Everything I Said Yesterday (Sort of)

YES! Last night's episode of Big Bang Theory finally ended Leonard and Penny's relationship, so my spec is back up and running. All I have to do now is just shorten scenes so that they move faster, and maybe lessen the intense Lord of the Rings references I have in there so as that it could be read easier by simpletons (HA!).

I can salvage it unlike my Office spec where they changed the show and cast around so much that my very first spec must die a death seen and heard by no one but it's originator. It's sad... but I'm still excited to keep and upgrade my Big Bang spec!

-a.

Lousy Copy Cats!!

I saw the 3/8/2010 episode of Big Bang Theory last night, and am greatly displeased that the entire episode was based around the Lord of the Rings as well as many references to it. My spec script does that also, not in the same way, but I hate how now it looks like I saw this episode and was inspired.

I guess it's good though that I have become disenchanted with my spec after writing a great Modern Family spec that I'm really proud of and a surprisingly well done spec of the Middle. I suppose that when I write non-geeky things my writing is better?

You tell me fan base of zero, you tell me.

-a.

From Hollywood To Splitsville

Another pair of stars have fallen. Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy have officially broken up and announced it via twitter.

I haven't been this upset since the fall of Beniffer, now if you'll excuse this short post, I must tend to my broken heart and soaked eyes.

-The saddest boy in all the land.

Farewell

So Food, Inc. has ruined yet another food I enjoy; Rice Krispies. Apparently Rice Krispies contains High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS) so this morning's bowl was a farewell of sorts to an old chum.

So long, Snap, Crackle, and Pop. We had some crazy adventures, like that time I had you for lunch instead of breakfast. Freakin' unbelievable, right?

-a.

Babs or REO Speedwagon?

gLee auditions!!!!

Get your pipes and tights ready for this one. I'm fairly certain that I (or one of my many characters) will be auditioning for this.

It all comes down to what song to sing:

Barbara Streisand - Don't Rain on my Parade

OR

REO Speedwagon - Can't Fight This Feeling

Please help me decide, people.


-a.

Hey, guys, Leno got screwed too!

QUOTE!

It's pretty f'n tough to go back on your word and force NBC to give you your own late night show (after you claimed to be retiring) then have them "force" you to be the host of the Tonight Show again.

He's like a modern day Grover Cleveland... just less funny.

-a.

The Reign of the Man Named IKEA.com Comes to an End.

It was all a hoax?

I'll change my name for a hefty gift card to Borders, Eddie Gossage.

Eddie?

Does anybody care?

This is IKEA.com speaking.

::sigh::

-The blogger formerly known as IKEA.com

Change your name for $100,000??

AMAZING OFFER!

I could only wish that I was given this offer. In my (warped) mind changing your name legally still isn't official to me. Your name is your name. So if some rich ass wants to dump six figures my way so my "real" name is an URL, then so be it.

You can call me IKEA.com!

-IKEA.com

Dyslexia and the Truth!

The headlines on Yahoo have "Signs he's really Mr. Right" directly next to "Ricky Martin Comes Out," and I originally read it as "Mr. Right Comes Out." And isn't that always the case, ladies?

Y'all girls hear me!?

daddy out!

-a.

Free Scripts!

I'm quite against people selling scripts that they don't truly own and taking advantage of aspiring writers who don't have much money to begin with. So I'll keep an active list of official scripts that I've purchased and/or acquired, if you see something you like, send me a message and I'll email the script(s) to you as a PDF.

My imaginative inventory includes:

Modern Family - Pilot
The Big Bang Theory - Pilot
How I Met Your Mother - Pilot
Community - Pilot
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - Gang Gets Crippled
30 Rock - Tracy Does Conan / The Head and the Hair / Jack Tor

Enjoy!
-a.

Moo?

Just saw Food, Inc. last night. It is not a fun movie.

I feel guilty.

-a.

Celebrities Being Cool

This will be a new segment (although probably rare) where I point out celebrities being cool. Now the two celebrities I have for you today are already fine in my book, and I've never had, nor see me ever having qualms with these two. They seem genuinely nice, and now apparently I want to hang out with them ASAP:

Jenna Fischer: Yep, the once receptionist now sales(wo)man for Dunder Mifflin apparently 1) plays board games with her husband, and 2) loves Carcassonne! I already thought of her to be awesome when she posted a large blog entry to help people starting out in the showbiz industry, but this takes the river. Jenna plays with Meeples!

Mila Kunis: The nagging girlfriend from That 70's Show and Jason Segal's love interest in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, apparently plays Settlers of Catan. That isn't what impresses me though, when she described it as "a mixture of Risk and Monopoly" to which the interviewer asks "Like the old version of Axis and Allies?" Mila then freaks and says "Yes, exactly! Oh, my gosh!" So she 1) knows of Axis and Allies, and 2) has at least played it enough to know how great it is. She knows that Infantry roll 2's for defense.

Kudos, ladies. I'm ready for both games whenever you are.

As for you other celebs, do something cool in public, and I'll congratulate you here on my blog that nobody reads. Pretty exciting, ay?

-a.

TV hits new lows

"Defenders" (CBS)
Jerry O'Connell and Jim Belushi star as "fiery Las Vegas defense attorneys." Doesn't sound so bad... until you realize that it isn't a sitcom. Not sure we want to see (or would buy) either of these guys as hard-hitting lawyers.

I truly believe that no one could ever have an idea that is worse than this.

At this time there is no website to promote this disaster. Give it time though... give it time.

-a.

Tina

Recently a young 17 year old guy asked out a girl to the prom on national television (the Early Show on CBS). I must congratulate this kid for not only having the courage to go through with this plan (I've thought of it myself when I was younger) but also for having the girl say "yes" in front of millions.

Well played, sir, if I actually went through with this act at that age, the girl would've replied with laughter or "who are you?" Kudos!

Although I must pity you, because I'm sure you won't spend your prom night buying Frankenberry like this guy. Few can make that claim... very few.

-a.

Byager! ("Victory!" in Trandoshan a.k.a Dosh)

This morning gave birth to the results for the top movies viewed this past weekend, and rightfully so m'lady Jennifer Aniston's film, The Bounty Hunter, has failed to be the #1 weekend movie. Alice and Diary of a Wimpy Kid stole the money and show.

"Why did Aniston's film flop?"

Great question, you see, Most people like myself probably assumed that Aniston's film was solely about the bounty hunters from the Star Wars universe (i.e. Dengar, IG-88, Zuckuss, 4-Lom, Bossk, Boba Fett, Danz Borin, Feltipern Trevagg, Greedo, to name a few). Obviously by Aniston's film being ranked #3, there were no signs of The Hound's Tooth zooming by, or any scenes featured on Ord Mantell.

You blew it, baby. You blew it big time, like Death Star explosion big time. (sorry, Emperor)

-a.

Viva la France!

I did it! I took the plunge and finally pre-ordered Commands & Colors: Napoleonics. It's due out in 2011, but I was afraid of missing out on the pre-order sale price of $49.00 (as opposed to the normal $69.00). They don't charge me yet, but I've already set aside $60 (lousy S&H) for the game so there's no excuse for me not to get it next year.

While registering with GMT's website I was asked a question that frightened me; email address? Now my current email account is with yahoo, and I hate it, but I am too lazy to transfer all of my information to my gmail account. So I just signed up under my gmail account.

Hmmm... I wonder if I'll still be with Yahoo in a year from now. I severely hope not, but laziness is as powerful of a nemesis as Kutuzov, no?

-a.

No Call, No Show

Spike TV has decided to pass on my being the host of their new late night talk show. I guess they didn't see enough star power in the man who has already graced national televisions for a solid two minutes. They also probably felt that an over-achiever, such as myself, was over qualified after hearing that I was in the finals for McGuire's Funniest Person on Long Island contest two consecutive times.

Normally I would be bummed over this, but it's cool. You see, I had a potential employer e-mail me back about a potential part-time Customer Service position. So as you can see this feisty feline will be landing on his feet no matter what. <--SARCASM!

-a.

BOR-ING!

Television has officially decided to air anything:

Taking on Tyson will be a reality show for Mike Tyson and his large collection of pet birds. Yep, that's it. He'll feed them. He'll talk to them. He'll also race them. Haven't you ever wanted to see two birds both owned by Mr. Tyson, and see who could best whom? Well, thanks to Animal Planet, now you can!

I for one would much rather see a reality show of Barbara Walters washing her hands in different sinks and with different soaps. Think about it, how does her elderly skin handle the effects of Dial? Irish Spring? Ivory? The possibilites are damn near endless (same for the emotional roller coaster ride).

Sorry, "Iron" Mike, but your show is for the birds.*


-a.



*= I only said that lame joke to beat all the hacks of America who will be saying that non-stop when this show premieres.

A Message to Shia LaBeouf

Shia Labeouf was in a car accident that was not his fault. He's had a DUI charge before and the media went wild on alcoholic assumptions. He had a green light and some other guy blew his red and rolled over Shia's truck. The car door was closed on what was Shia's hand and his fingers were separated from his hand and scattered on the street.

All of this is disturbing for anyone involved (celebrity or civilian) anyway, Khloe (who?) Kardashian (Kim's sister) apparently has assumed the role of big sis for Shia telling him to "just be smarter." She has said other crap but who cares.

Apparently Shia does, he's a bit pissed that she has commented on it numerous times. What Shia needs to do is not worry what some ugly reality "star" has to say. He should worry about how he has ignored pretty much 97% of Minor Threats lyrics.

-a.

Audition! What?

Yeps! I had an audition today to be a host on a new late night talk show for Spike TV. The ad online said they wanted normal guys who like Video Games, the internet and beer. I like two of those things, and figured "why not?" Super pal Chontel and I headed down to NYC, and I had my thirty second bit ready. Then as we enter the comedy club, Comix, a member of the casting agency announced that we will not be doing thirty second bits anymore. Now we will be telling stories.

I SUCK at telling stories when it's forced. If it was in a casual conversation and my story made sense to be told I would tell it. In this situation it's just weird. I got called (#11) and I was told to describe myself. I explained my 1943 score and the thrash band I had/have, Adam's Apples.

The casting director seemed to enjoy all of that, then she asked for me to tell a tale. I told the story about my first audition (see future post regarding that) she seemed nice enough to listen, ha.

In all honesty I don't mind. I LOVE performing, but I'd rather write. I like to perform on my conditions. If I did get called back for this obviously I'd jump for it and do whatever I have to. But from now on, auditions should be much easier for me since I treat them like open mics and give a very cool "whatevs" approach.

Lates,
-a.

I Never use Auto-Fire

Ever since I saw King of Kong, I became very interested in getting a top score in an arcade game. After spending some time considering which title to choose, I decided on the amazing Capcom shooter 1943. At the time I wasn't very good and could barely get past the second stage. But now my score has cracked a million! Sadly, that only makes me (unofficially) sixth place in the world (NOTE: re-read the title).

Two days ago I was messing around with another World War II shooter I enjoy, Ghost Pilots. I haven't played in a long time and didn't expect to do very well, yet I scored 287,900 points. I immediately went to TwinGalaxies.com to see where that placed me, and was excited to see that I was (unofficially) fourth place!

Come yesterday I got my score up to 428,400 points. That's 400 points more than the top score listed on Twin Galaxies! So I am (once again unofficially) first place! All I need to do now is record my play and submit.

I just don't want my many (ha!) fans to worry. First and foremost I do not let these "goals" interfere with my writing, and second my top goal is 1943. Sorry, Ghost Pilots, but that game has something you don't -- the Yamato.

Joe Lawson, You've Done it Again!

Last night's episode of Modern Family (Truth Be Told) was phenomenal. I couldn't stop thinking about the joke with Cam tricking Mitchell into singing "Shout!" Also, I absolutely loved the Flyza Minelli bird and Zsa Zsa Gaboa snake jokes.

Once again a Modern Family episode had completely captured and harnessed my sense of humor, and who do I see that penned the episode but a Mr. Joe Lawson. Keep it up,man, I can only hope to write scripts with our shared sense of humor half as good as you do.

-adam.

I'm important too, America!

Miley Cyrus has a new leading man!

I'm just curious as to why this is news. I was on national TV, people, and not one magazine, periodical or even a dirtsheet has anything written about my romantic adventures with any of the many ladies in my life. Thanks to TIME magazine ignoring me, my legion of fans will never know of my accurate portrayal of the date Scarlett Johansen and I went on two years ago.

Sorry, my adoring public, but until a noteworthy magazine finds me noteworthy, you'll just have to nibble on that appetizer before the main course of gossip.

-a.

Oscar Aftershocks

Gosh, I don't know about you guys but I still have chills from Oscar night. I've gotten very little sleep since that star-studded event. I just can't get the image of Sandra Bullock's gorgeous dress and even more gorgeous Oscar out of my mind. Same goes for you too, Katheryn Bigelow.

If I ever had the glorious chance to meet you, Miss Katheryn Bigelow, I'd have to ask if there's any relation to Bam Bam. Same goes for you too, Sandra Bullock.

with flames tattooed on my scalp,
adam.

Oscar Buzz!

Last night I watched two episodes of the Critic and a match between Big Van Vader and Cactus Jack (from Saturday Night 4/17/1993) and not once did I think of tuning in to the Oscars.

Now, I don't watch award shows because I hate main stream things (Dad!!!) or because I'm too cool (believe me, my bookshelf will kill that hypothesis). I just don't care about new movies, or what actors won what and why.

I pretty much like 10 or so films. Here they are:

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
The Matrix
The Matrix Reloaded
The Matrix Revolutions
Mulholland Drive
Ed Wood
Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure
Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey
Reservoir Dogs
Shawshank Redemption
The Hudsucker Proxy

If an award show movies doesn't discuss these films then I'm not interested in it. Screw you, modern day!

-a.

COOL!

For a good six months I have been eating cereal for lunch, and today I got such a major payoff. In my box of Cheerios, I received a race car that moves on its own when I pull back on it.

How cool is that?

I'll tell you...

Very cool.

Unfortunately, I am 26 so this excitement must be suppressed in front of family. But isn't it cool that I scored a prize in a cereal box? That hasn't happened since I got a blue wristband in my box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch in first grade!

-a.

The Brightside to Unemployment #3

Catching up on all my stories.

Yup! I can now watch All My Children every weekday and stay current with all the happenings of Pine Valley. Finally, Dixie returns, but sadly she is still just a ghost. It pains me to see her aiding Tad and Kate when we all know damn well she belongs with Tad now and forever more.

YES, I'm aware that this plot is from 2008, but I have a lot of catching up to do (thank you, TVblinx). Now I shall leave all you Pine Valley-ans with a quote:


"There was never a Tad without a Dixie."
-Brooke English

-a.

The Bright Side to Unemployment #2

Never having to get up early.

This bright side applies to all but me. You see, I've always had a problem sleeping past 6:30am. I naturally wake up early, even if I went to sleep at 2am. This has been my curse since I was a child.

The bright side of my curse is that I'm never late for work when I am employed. Pretty neat, huh?


Yeah.

-a.

The Bright Side to Unemployment #1

No office gossip.

That's right, by being unemployed you will not have to hear about the trials and tribulations of your co-workers from other co-workers. This, I find to be very uplifting.

-a.

Captain America Movie???

Why? Seriously, why?! This is the first of my hearing about this awful news.

There are so many better, cooler, more powerful characters in the Marvel Universe, and Hollywood picks Captain America? I'd rather see a film based on Shadow Cat (for realsies).

Who will the villain be in this piece of crap? MODAM? Red Skull? Hitler?

This. Is. Weak.

-a.

Nickelodeon Fellowship

Hurry up, gang! The Nickelodeon Fellowship's deadline is midnight on February 28th (that's Sunday). Get your specs, resumes, and half page biographies completed and submitted.


Go! Go! GO!

-a.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I only quote Ric Flair when super-exciting things happen in my life. Although today's thing is more of a prelude to a real super-exciting thing. I have finally shipped off my spec for the Nickelodeon Fellowship. I decided on my Modern Family spec over my Big Bang Theory spec. I chose Modern Family because 1) it's one of the top 3 shows to spec right now 2) my spec has a broader range of humor than compared to my Big Bang theory one and 3) I believe my Modern Family spec is quicker, funnier, and just written better than my others.

I need to thank everyone who helped whether they printed my materials, edited them, critiqued them or told me "Big Bang sucks."

I got to say that super pal Chontel totally aided me the most. She was there every step of the way, and it totally wouldn't have been sent out as neat and nice as it was today.

Kudos, gang!

-a.

Why do people take the time to create resume's?

We certainly don't do it so when we want to apply for your crappy job, we fill out a questionnaire which contains EVERYTHING ALREADY ON OUR RESUME!!! (i.e. past employers, contact info, schooling, etc.)

You suck, for realsies!

-adam.

Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist

If you like films that portray events of 18 year olds accurately, then look no further. This film is the Sixteen Candles of this generation. Sadly though, it imprisons Michael Cera's awesome talent (curse you, Hollywood!)

-a.

Never have I thought that a boy's dream could be squashed by a fashion bug.

Yahoo has done another Top Ten List for Resume Dont's and number one has me furious:

1) It's Covered in Glitter -- Literally.

Number One goes on to explain that you should never actually try to have your resume stand out by covering it with glitter. But I ask you, YAHOO!, how would you like me to submit my resume to Fashion Bug, huh!?

For the record they passed on the many sassy resume's I sent not because of the large amounts of glitter, but because of my gender and age. Also it's the one establishment allowed to do that.

-a.

Paris Hilton vs Stephanie Pratt

In October of 2009 at the Fox Reality Channel Really Awards, Paris Hilton wore a Brian Lichtenberg one-shoulder mini dress.

Fast forward to February 2010 in Las Vegas, and that skank bag Stephanie Pratt is wearing the very same Brian Lichtenberg number.

This is why Hollywood and Washington must allow patents on dresses! We cannot have skank-a-doodles flopping around poseur red carpets wearing the same items that gorgeous starlets are wearing at actual award shows.

Hear my words Ms. Pratt; you better watch out the next time you choose something from your closet because if the great Paris Hilton ever wore it before I will hunt you down and slaughter you like the skanky dog you are!

-a.