Heroes

I figured since my last 4 posts this week have been about Hulk Hogan, that the 5th and final post of the week should also be about him (sorta) that way it was a sweet week of the Hulkster.

Now that I have finally met the #1 person I have always wanted to meet. I figured that I'd make a list of those I have met, and those that I would love to meet, sort of like a "hit list" where I get to kill 'em with kindness.

So without further adieu, here is my list:

Andy Kaufman (deceased--but a boy can dream)

Ian Curtis (deceased--but a boy can dream)

Hulk Hogan (would love a second meeting)

Damon Lindelof (Executive Producer and pretty much the top writer for LOST. He wrote my favorite episode "The Constant," and after I saw it I said to myself "I must meet whoever wrote this episode and give them a hug." So whenever you're ready for that hug Damon, I'll be ready also.)

Mark E. Smith (I have a day dream where I make something of myself in the comedy(writing) scene and I meet Mark at a party. I then confess to him that while I was struggling, I downloaded A LOT of the Fall albums, and they kept me going. I then cut him a check to make us "even" and he's cool with that. Then we discuss the Fall, H.P. Lovecraft, and Twin Peaks!)

Davey Havok (met him during the Art of Drowning era, and I'm glad I did then, because now I wouldn't wait on line for 2+ hours--and even then during my intense obsession over him, he disappointed me by not wanting to discuss the Misfits. Farewell old friend.)

Glenn Danzig [circa 1977-1983] (when he was in the Misfits, he was at his coolest peak. After that he steadily became more insane and less awesome.)

David Lynch (super nice, and I'd love to meet him again, although I won't pay $90 the next time)

Ken Colly (Admiral Piett himself, super nice guy, and I'd love to pick up where we left off...him signing my memorabilia for free, and sticking it to the convention people.)

Stephen Colbert (great guy, but hard of hearing if you ask him if he is a fan of Andy Kaufman. But he's more than eager to tell you his favorite Lord of the Rings character--Faramir-- and happy to tell you who would win in a fight to the death; Cap'n Crunch or Count Chocula--"Cap'n crunch has crunch cannons.")

Zach Galifianakis (very nice, especially when you can't make it into his show. But he does tend to care more about what attractive women say to him when they touch his shoulder, as opposed to fat, geeky, aspiring comics...thanks a lot, Kristen!)

Leo Allen (met him at a stand-up show. I told him that I appreciate everything he's done. He seemed genuinely appreciative of my compliment...so yea, we're best friends now! haha)

Jon Glaser (I'd love to meet him, but I'd love even more to be on the same show as him. That would kick major ass!)

Any Joy Division Members (since they did help make my favorite songs, ha)

Mick Foley (ridiculously nice...especially with kids, and he writes interesting books...what a combo.)

Efrem Schultz and the rest of Death by Stereo (glad I met them back in 05, because I stopped rocking them not too long afterward. Sorry gang.)

John Pettibone (met him 2 times and he is the nicest guy ever. We discussed Joy Division--his favorite song is Novelty because "it hits home"--and he gave 2 free stickers to my friend, so nice)

Ian Leck of Voorhees (I'd love to let him know that his vocals are the best!)

Tony Miles (deceased--but a boy can dream)


Keanu Reeves (Has been a favorite actor of mine since I was young and first saw Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. Since then I am immediately interested in any film he appears in-save the Lake House, and the Day the Earth Stood Still)

Bill Pullman (another favorite actor of mine. While everyone was excited for a summer blockbuster starring Will Smith, I was more than happy to see Bill Pullman as the President.)

Lance Henriksen (after falling in love with his character, Frank Black, on MillenniuM I have desired to meet him for quite a while. I also hear that he is super nice.)

Kyle Machlachlan (played Agent Dale Cooper on Twin Peaks, and seems to be an all-around nice guy, Diane. <--semi-TP reference)

Masi Oka (the actor who plays Hiro Nakamura. HE is the reason why I watch Heroes still--no matter how bad it's been since season 2. They keep hinting at his character dying and if that happens, they will lose a viewer for good...me. I just love when he makes his face jiggle while trying to freeze time or time-travel)

Franz Kafka (deceased--but a boy can dream)

Bauhaus (any member will do since I've recently fallen for Tones on Tail, and have been into Love & Rockets for a while. I'd be thrilled to meet anyone of them--but if I had my pick I'd go for Peter Murphy, of course.)

----And now to end the gay rumors, I'll put women on this list also----


Madchen Amick (played Shelly Johnson on Twin Peaks and I consider her to be the most beautiful woman in the moving pictures since TP debuted. Super pal Chontel agrees.)

Hayden Panettiere (Claire-bear on Heroes. I believe she's attractive. Super pal Chontel does not agree, and makes fun of me for this. Boo-hoo.)

So there we have it. I'm sure I forgot someone but this list looks pretty complete to me. 95% male, 3% deceased, 2% female. NOTE: I fought like hell to not put in fictional characters, sorry Emperor Palpatine.

-a.

I lied to every one of my friends :(

It's true (finally). I said that I was not going to read Hogan's new book because it had nothing to do with his wrestling career. But after meeting him, it felt appropriate to just take a gander.

And now after 2 days I am more than halfway through his book, AND it does include discussions on his wrestling career-but not as detailed as I had hoped. At least they are there though. It's a quick and interesting read (especially for 26 year old Hulkamaniacs!)

So do yourself a favor and pick it up because no one will be borrowing my copy since it's signed. (those same rules apply to my signed copy of Twin Peaks and my copy of Black Sails in the Sunset sorry friends)

-a.

Whatcha' Gonna Do!? (Part 3)

It finally happened. After twenty-six years of waiting I have finally met my favorite living person. I've daydreamed of this day, it usually ended with us grabbing lunch and watching his greatest matches in one sitting, while discussing the cool behind-the-scenes drama regarding the outcome of each match. Not to be picky but sadly it did not happen that way--but it was still AWESOME!

Normally I'm early or right on time to something, but yesterday I swore that I had to return to Barnes & Noble with my ticket at 4:30 pm. At 3:52pm I happened to look at my ticket to see it read: "If you are numbers 1-250 you must be on line by 4 pm."

Without thinking I ran out my house and drove as fast (and safe) as possible to the bookstore. Luckily for me the book store is five minutes away, but still this is the moment I've waited so long for that it was so stupid of me to confuse the time to be there by.

I took the first parking space I could find and ran for the line. They were just letting numbers 20-100 inside. I got in line and was led upstairs, where they placed us in numerical order.

Anticipation set in over the course of sixty-plus minutes of waiting.

Finally it was time, people were cheering and all I could see was a pink bandanna, and Jimmy Hart walk by. Then before I knew it the line was moving...quickly.

I asked the nice people behind me if they'd be so kind as to take a few pictures of me with the Hulkster. They were happy to oblige, and I was even happier that they were happy to oblige.

Then it happened, I was face to face with the Icon Hulk Hogan. Naturally for such an event I wore my Hulkamania shirt. He dropped his marker and said "I like the shirt, bro" and went to shake my hand. SO I said in my coolest voice: "I like YOU, a lot!"
Then our handshake was over and he was already signing, so I figured that I should fill the silence, and I did by saying: "I have been such a huge fan of yours since I was a little kid. This is so BADASS!" The Hulkster slammed my book shut, and extended his hand another time for hand shake #2! I was super jazzed to touch palms, and he said "Thank you for coming down." (PSsssshhh, what is he thanking me for? I didn't bodyslam Andre the Giant) So this little man inside of me who has been trained to speak with sultans said: "Thank you, a thousand times!"

Then that was it--

Or was it? Then I got to shake hands with "The Mouth of the South" Jimmy Hart, who thanked me for stopping by, and I told him that I love him.

Then security and the kind staff at Barnes & Noble made me move away because they needed that area clear. And that was that. It was surreal, badass, and super awesome simultaneously. What a cocktail of emotion.

Whatcha' Gonna Do!? (Part 2)

I just woke up from a nap. That's now two nights of little sleep. Probably because I'm so excited to meet the 6 time WWF and 6 time WCW World Champion HULK HOGAN!

I got up at 6am today (thanks to my dad) and raced to the Barnes & Noble near my house to wait on line. I was relieved to see about twelve Hulkamaniacs already waiting. All I had to do was endure 2.5 hours of standing and I'd definitely meet the man who slaughtered Sgt. Slaughter.

Well I did it. 2.5 hours later the manager of Barnes & Noble came out and handed us tickets that ensure our spot in line to meet him. I got #29, so I guess people ahead of me got extra tickets, but whatever #29 is way better than #413.

I'm leaving in less than an hour to go back and wait on line. It's an exciting time to be alive. Now they said we cannot pose for pictures with "Hollywood" but I'll ask the nice lady who discussed books with me all morning if she'd snap a picture of him signing my book, and me being nervous/excited.

I'm so jazzed, I feel as if I could leg drop Mercury!

Part 3 comes tomorrow.

Whatcha' Gonna Do!? (Part 1)

I set very high goals for myself as a child. 1) Get a dog. 2) Get an in-ground pool. 3) Get a house that includes stairs. (basements do NOT count!) and 4) Meet Hulk Hogan.

I never lost that Hulkamaniac inside of me. He stayed strong saying his prayers, taking his vitamins, training (well not really), and believing in himself (also not really). But nonetheless he stayed strong. And finally the week of my 26th birthday I shall meet the Icon Hulk Hogan at a local Barnes & Noble.

Tomorrow is the day. I'm more excited than when Marty Jannety returned after having Shawn Michael's smash his face into glass at the Barbershop corner, I'm more dazzled than the "Million Dollar Man," Bobby "the Brain" Heenan, and Andre combined when they saw Miss Elizabeth remove her skirt at SummerSlam, and dare I say more pumped than when the Hulkster body slammed Andre the Giant at WreslteMania III.

How will this turn out? I'd like to say "epic" but that's an understatement.

Part 2 comes tomorrow.

I'm Not Asian.

Growing up I had a best friend. His name was Michael, and after three years of being friends he asked me if I was Chinese. I laughed and said "no." Then I asked him if he ever noticed my love for pizza, and raviolis. He just still assumed I was Chinese until the day he asked me that question.

I went to my local library to meet NY Times best-selling author and WWF wrestler: Mick Foley, to have him sign my copy of his book; Have a Nice Day! I introduced myself as "Adam" and he signed my glorious paperback edition and I was on my merry way--until I got into my car. You see, he signed it "To Ada." Unsure if you guys know, but "Ada" is a women's name in Japan. (NOTE: see Ada Wong from Resident Evil 2)

Last night I got to go to Danny's Upstairs, it's a comedy club in New Jersey, and while I walked by Danny Aiello, I heard him ask to one of my friends in comedy: "Who's the Asian?" I was sure that I was mistaken, but I still asked said comedy friend if Danny Aiello did in fact assume that I was Asian. He laughed and was impressed that I heard this random question.

So I have one old friend and two celebrities assume I am a man of the Orient. Most of the time people ask if I am Hispanic or Jewish, and sometimes gay. But the three mentioned above just assumed I was Asian, and went with it. I must say that I am impressed that they were so strong with their beliefs, and I am not offended or anything. I just find it weird that people interpret me so differently...especially the celebs.

Philosophers on Trains: "$4.25"

Yesterday was my TV script-writing class in NYC, so naturally I had to take the train yet again. My class was sadly canceled, and we all left early. I luckily snagged the 7:44pm train and was happy to know that I'd be home by 9:10pm. But dark clouds were gathering.

You see, the 7:44pm train is considered to be a "peak" train. That means a lot of people tend to be on the train at that time, so the powers that be at the Long Island Rail Road decide to charge more money for each rider. So my ticket that was originally $21.50, now jumped up a whopping $4.25 because yuppies flood the train cars.

I felt as if the lady conductor was mistaken when she told me that I owed an additional $4.25. I wanted to explain that I'm not a rich yuppie traveling home to go antiquing. I'm trying to make it in the entertainment biz and as such, am low, low, low on funds. But I couldn't help but feel as if my words would not matter.

But, lucky for the LIRR, I have a suggestion for them. They should only charge the peak prices for people in a full suit. That way it's obvious those with jackets, suits, and ties can afford the annoying peak charge, while us norms can enjoy being screwed at the normal rate.

To me that sounds fair!

Do Terminators have cooling fans inside them?

There was a time when I feared the date August 11, 1999 thanks to the first two Terminator films. It was scary to a child because 1) the date wasn't that far from when the films were released, and 2) because soulless robots were going to eradicate each and every human being.

Today my laptop has stopped working yet again, because of the stupid cooling fan missing a blade or two, so the damn computer believes it is overheating and decides to not start up.

For those of you wondering; yes, I stopped fearing the robotic maestroed apocalypse plenty of years ago, but now I have a firm belief that they will be even easier to thwart if their fans also crap out. Let's just hope SkyNet uses cheap, crappy plastic for the simple interior parts.

-adam.

Judging Films by Titles

I almost always judge books, films, TV shows, video games, and music by the title or cover to the product. Here's me doing what I do best, dismissing current films based on their title:

Stepfather: sounds very dramatic. I'm not into dramatic, then I see the tag line: "Daddy's Home," and I keep walking.

Law Abiding Citizen: This sounds like the most boring crap. I just picture people not Jay-Walking or not parking in Fire Zones. I don't condone doing those things, and I don't condone watching a film that teaches you just that.

Zombieland: OK, here we go; this film sounds like a winning ticket, until I see that it's a comedy. Yes, Shaun of the Dead was a comedy centered around zombies, but that worked, and I must assume this doesn't.

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs: Love the title, when Judi and Ron Barrett wrote the book this film is based on, they must've known that no one in the history of the world will ever have a title like that. Sadly it looks too "childish" for my tastes, so I must keep looking.

Where the Wild Things Are: Yet another children's book turned film, and there's nothing wrong with that. What is wrong with that is I never really read the book, so I don't have that attachment to the story that my friends do. I was busy reading books on the Indiana Jones trilogy as a kid...thanks Scholastic.

Paranormal Activity: OK, this title sells me fast. But I have a problem with ghosts since I do not believe in them. No, I also do not believe that Luke Skywalker actually destroyed the Death Star, or that there even was a real Death Star to begin with BUT I like to pretend that it did happen. Therein lies the difference friends. Also I heard this may be scary, and I hate being scared, unless it's a Silent Hill game. Then I'm all...well, game.

I thank you for reading my reviews on the current line-up of films that LA-LA land has vomited our way. Until they release something I care about, I'll be home re-watching LOST in anticipation for the finale season.

Worst Airline Ever

I recently got an email from Super Pal Kristen, with a link to Perez Hilton.com It's an article saying that a plane will crash on Desperate Housewives this season, and the airline is none other than Oceanic.

So that means not only have they lost Flight 815 and stopped looking for it thanks to Charles Widmore staging a rescue for a bogus Flight 815, but now they have had another plane crash in a residential area!!!

All geekdom aside, I think this is a very neat idea to have a cross-over with a fictitious company in a show, I just wish it was a cooler show that it was happening on. Also I wish it was a cooler company like the Aratech Corporation.

I guess my geekdom was certainly not put aside...sorry.

-a.

Philosophers on Trains: "Goddess"

Yet again, I have taken another amazing train ride near another "brilliant," and loud passenger. (Notice which adjective is housed in quotations).

This mademoiselle expressed her interest in such mind-blowing TV series' such as Entourage, and Dexter, and missing out on deep conversations with me about LOST. She then reminisced sourly on a time when her friend got mad at her for sitting upright (clearly her friend is not a flight attendant) and then hitting on her by calling her a "goddess," and a "delicate flower." Her friend is indeed dead wrong, because I'd like to think that the goddesses of Greek mythology know the difference between a house and a condo when they hit their early 20's.

Although she has collected minimal data on common knowledge, her and I do agree on one thing; and that is being surprised that she knows someone who has pierced her sternum. When her friend announced that, I was shocked to know that that was possible. As was she.

So cheers to you Long Island's Delicate Flower, may you know the difference between a house and condo before you put a down payment on a flat.

Hard Times

Jamie Foxx has recently told Parade magazine that: "It's hard being a celebrity." He couldn't be more correct. Nothing is harder than making a sex tape, having it "leak," getting into disputes with the paparazzi, letting photographers snap upskirt shots of yourself, AND raising a child.

If you think that's hard, then you haven't heard the hardest part; not having talent. It's more of a suggestion in Hollywood these days. If you make jokes about Pedophilia (not mocking the sicko in it) or have "killer" material that involves poor ventriloquism, or wear a low-cut shirt you get to move ahead of the audition line because well "you're gonna be a star!"

Now I know nothing of what I said above remotely relates to Jamie Foxx and that is because he hasn't done anything stupid or immoral. I just needed his quote to mock those "stars" I hate and cannot wait to see burn out finally.

FLEX YOUR HEAD!

NOTE: I also realized majority of my attacks seem to target women, but that is strictly because I hate the socialites smeared in every medium. Apologies, ladies.

Apparently Even I Have Flaws.

As all of you know. I have been on TV a total of one times. And about a week ago I had the opportunity to double that number by being on a music trivia show aired on FUSE. I signed up and headed for my audition dressed in my usual interview/audition attire: Grey slacks with thin white stripes, a white long sleeved button-up, with a powder blue sweater over it. I also rock my swank grey sneakers which go great with my slacks.

I was seen early because as always, I showed up early, and was given a chance to dazzle the casting crew Dazzler style. I answered a handful of simple questions ranging from A-Ha, to Run-DMC, to Kelly Osbourne. Then I was asked to explain my musical taste(s). They then snagged a copy of my headshot and I've yet to hear from those bastards.

I'm sorry that you have no taste casting crew. Do I need to remind you that I was on TV already? I'm in demand right now. I'm literally like two steps away from being the next Pat Sajack, I just refuse to take those two dreadful steps because I hate him and everything he represents: cheap suits and cheaper jokes.

So I'll take your lack of call as a sign of respect. I'll assume by you not calling, that you saw my true potential, to be this world's next Patrick Duffy.

BONUS!

I am currently taking a spec script writing class that is simply amazing for many different reasons. I not only get to gain new knowledge on this craft, but I will get knowledge on how to score up a job with it. (YAY!)

Now to get to the class I will be taking the train, which will be a great way to gather material for a new Thursday theme for this blog: "Philosophers on Trains." I'll regurgitate the genius from some people who perhaps shouldn't exercise their minds and mouths in public places.

But in addition to all of these perks, there is one bonus that rocks harder than a mountain side, and that is the store "The Compleat Strategist" located on East 33rd street before Madison Avenue (which is on my way to my class). They specialize in wargames and it will surely be a fun place to browse and eventually buy a swank board game from. I'm eager to see my decision, and I know that you guys are too.

Stay tuned!

-a.

Philosophers on Trains: "Plato"

I now take a spec script writing class at NYU on Wednesday evenings. So that means I need to "ride the rails" into Manhattan. While doing so I heard a few pearls of wisdom that I cannot ignore.

The first one actually impressed me a bit because someone outside of me had a plan for cheating a polygraph or "lie detector test." He said that if you ask yourself a question with the answer you need to lie about, you'll trick your brain into answering "truthfully." I was amazed after hearing this. Finally, someone like me. But that happiness crashed and burned when he said "So just ask yourself: do you want to suck this guy's dick?"

Tsk, tsk. My plan was always to ask myself "Have you ever beaten Super Mario 1?" No, no you have not. I know that seems odd to some of you who know me. I love video games and have beaten/obsessed over many. But I have yet to defeat the most fundamental of games.

Besides being upset over the "D-S'ing" and Super Mario making me his bitch. This genius on the tracks also spouted such brilliance as: "I can't believe the friends who I thought were half-retarded are getting their doctrines!"

That must be a hard Whopper to swallow descendant of Plato, but what's harder is your disregard for badmouthing those with ailments. I'd say "for shame" but it seems to me that it would just ring on deaf ears.

Rebels vs Imperials 1997

2:30 pm in the middle of the summer. The sun was shining, and pools were flowing, begging for those who sweat to keep them company. It was the perfect day to hide from society in my damp, furnished basement. Joey Saladino and I made plans to play Star Wars Customizable Card Game (SWCCG) for the afternoon. We shuffled our decks (he was dark side, and I was stuck as light side), we then cut each others deck, and set up our starting locations. I then proceeded to go first (since Joey started with the Death Star system, allowing the Light Side to go first this game).

I started with the Hoth: 1st Marker Main Power Generators and the 4th Marker. So I was safe (for now). I deployed an Echo Base Trooper to the 1st Marker and a Y-Wing to the 4th Marker. Drew a card and ended my turn.

He deployed the Death Star: Conference Room and someone like Admiral Motti to there also. He then drew the top card of his reserve deck and said “go.”

I activated my force and force drained him for one with my Y-Wing, then conceded my turn.

Joey activated force and magically deployed two (yes, two!) Victory-Class Star Destroyers. I questioned him on it and he dismissed my reluctance to believe his maneuver. I asked again how he could deploy two Star Destroyers when he could only generate six force a turn and he had already spent about three from his first turn leaving a total of seven force to pay for deployment (because of the remaining one force from his first turn), and then somehow deploying two Victory-Class Star Destroyers which each cost six force.

I then had to physically show him the debt of force he had by rummaging through his used pile. He then responded with “ALRIGHT! I won’t deploy them OK? It’s going to happen anyway so I don’t know why you’re complaining?”

“WHAT!? I’m ‘complaining’ because you deploying both of those starships causes me ten damage, that is 1/6 of my deck. By not letting you cheat, I’m saving…”

Joey then interrupted: “ALRIGHT! I won’t deploy them. It’s your turn.”

(we proceeded to play and regardless of who won [Joey] it was a heated battle between the Rebels and the Imperials on the frozen planet of Hoth in the hot summer of 1997).

I Hate Bugs: Camel Cricket

Those who know me know my biggest fear (spiders). But there is another species of spider that lurks in my basement. It is the Camel Cricket. It's a cricket and spider hybrid with the ability to jump high (knee height) and quickly. It also never retreats but jumps TOWARDS it's attacker. It recently hopped through my legs, almost toying with me as a predator - note: I soon killed him!

Through out the years my main way to kill them was calling my dad to do it, but he got tired of helping his "daughter." So then I moved on to the vacuum style of execution. But that cannot work when the vacuum is upstairs. So I shall let those plagued by these Zelda enemy wannabes in on a little secret:

I kill them by placing my (plastic) garbage can (rightside up) on top of them (for some reason the stupid creature does not avoid this). Now the bottom of the can is slightly domed, so they are not dead (learned that one the hard way)then I scrape the can along to the side which will eventually leave you a greatly crippled camel cricket. From there I finish the job and simultaneously dispose of the carcass with a large amount of paper towels.

I hope this helps rid you of these foul creatures.

-a.

The Commandant

The commandant was signing off old reports at the close of the work week. Twelve past seventeen hundred, and here the commandant was gracing blank lines with his signature (a one-lined self portrait).

“Commandant?” asked his secretary.

“At ease Audrey. It’s after hours. What can I do for you?”

“Well sir they say that the snow won’t be letting up anytime soon. Perhaps you could escort me to my car as you exit?”

“I’d be honored Audrey, but I won’t be leaving just yet. But there’s always time to help a lady to her car.”

The commandant grabbed his coat and let Audrey lead him the way. He was very happily married once and well over the age to even consider courting her, so the feelings she made him feel were just of genuine kindness. She never once stared at his eye patch nor treated him any differently because he wore one. She neither gave him more or less respect, only his just amount. He appreciated this more than anything. He adored their camaraderie and kinship.

He also missed being looked at and thought of so sincerely since his wife had passed.

They walked single file from the second floor stairs to the first floor, as they came to the exit, the commandant scurried around Audrey to open it for her. She laughed and gave a smile and a nod to let him know it was well appreciated.

“Well you weren’t kidding, Audrey, this snow certainly won’t be letting up anytime soon.”

“I told you sir.”

“And this wind is harsh. I can barely hear you.”

“WHAT?” Audrey exclaimed.

“I said-“

“I know, I was just kidding.”

They now got to walk side by side outdoors, shielding their eyes with their left hand from the snow flurries.

“Well this is my car.”

“I know.” The commandant smiled.

“OK, well please leave soon, and I will see you bright and early Monday morning.”

“O Five Hundred.”

Audrey nodded and got into her car. Threw the lights on, and pumped the heat. Put on her windshield wipers and started to drive off.

As she was about five feet from the commandant he noticed a small man or animal in her backseat. The thing had a nasty habit of shaking, sort of like it was skipping through time by single seconds. It looked up out the back windshield gave an open mouthed smile, showing off it’s black/yellow teeth, and parading it’s bright red tongue between them.

The commandant had no idea what was going on, so he started to run after Audrey’s vehicle and shout to her. But the wind was much too harsh for his words not to be deflected by snow, wind or both. In a moment her car was out of view from the flurries. The commandant knew that he had to get to his car and follow her. As he reached into his coat pocket he noticed that his keys were not there.

“DAMMITT! I must’ve left them at my desk.”

The commandant ran as fast as he could through the snow, bolted up the stairs to the second floor where he met his empty office and desk. He reached for his keys and ran right back out, as he approached the stairs he lost his footing and tumbled, and tumbled and tumbled to the bottom of the stairs. He had a terrible wound on his head.

*****

When he woke up he was surrounded by several men standing over him. He tried to jump to his feet, but they restrained him.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO ME?!”

“Easy fella’. Just relax. You have a nasty gash on your head that we need to treat.”

“LET GO OF ME!”

”Hold still!” one of the men said.

He fought, and fidgeted but to no avail.

“WHAT DAY IS IT!?” he shouted.

“Please lie still.”

“I’ll lie still if you tell me, damn you!”

“It’s Monday.”

He did not like this one bit. How could three days go by so quickly? He thought to himself. What of Audrey and that vibrating man?

“HELP!”

”LIE STILL DAMMITT!” Said the man with the thick glasses on.

“AUDREY! AUDREY!”

The men holding him down became very silent and looked at the oldest one standing behind them, he was wearing a white lab coat and had a long needle in his hand.

“Who was supposed to give this man his meds last night?”

The men holding the commandant down remained silent.

“WHO!?” The man shouted.

The men started to look about the room, then the one with the glasses broke the awkward silence.

“It was Roberts sir. He had to leave early-“

The doctor interrupted.

“I know he left early! I’ll deal with him later. As for you pathetic clowns, make room for me!”

“Make room for Dr. Ackerman boys!” the largest man of the bunch shouted.

“Now let’s see what happens when we do this.” and with that the doctor flicked the needle with his middle finger.

The room went dark.

*****

The snow was still covering up the parking lot. The commandant saw two dark figures approaching from the east. He couldn’t help but stare. He couldn’t make out who they were but felt a sudden urge to hide. He ran inside a nearby car to cover his frame from the two strangers. They seemed to be laughing, although with this wind it was hard to hear anything. He cowered in the back seat to get warm and got down low.

The driver side door swung open! The door then slammed shut. All that could be heard was a flick of the car lights, the extreme blast of heat pumping into the car, and the subtle thuds of what can only be assumed as the windshield wipers.

The car started to move.

The commandant was rather nervous. He was so afraid to make a sound and startle the driver. So he ever so softly lifted his head and peeked out the rear windshield. He saw the little man shaking, twitching and vibrating once again. His sly, spaced-tooth grin ever so repulsive. He waved good-bye to the commandant, pulled out a tiny flute from his coat pocket and began to play it while prancing in the snow outside of the French Army building.

“What the hell?” The commandant said softly to himself.

The commandant glanced up at the driver who was in fact Audrey. He sighed with relief. At that moment Audrey thought she heard something in the backseat. She cautiously turned her head only to find the shaking man in her backseat full of gaping sharp teeth and devoid of good fortune.

Audrey screamed in absolute terror and lost control of the vehicle. The commandant couldn’t understand why she was screaming at him and telling him to get away. He tried to calm her down, but it was all in vain for she let go of the steering wheel a long time ago. The car slammed into another military building. Both Audrey and the commandant were dead on impact.

*****

In a cold, stainless steel room waits a man in a long lab coat. He stands there with his eyes staring dead straight at the only entranceway to the room. He has been waiting here for quite some time now.

The door opens, and Dr. Ackerman bursts through. He seems to be in a rush.

“Dr. Barton my apologies.”

“What has taken you so damn long Ackerman?!”

“Sir…please give me a second to just…catch…my breath.” Dr. Ackerman hunched over clenching the file he held in his left hand.

Dr. Barton didn’t want excuses, or pardons. He wanted results.

“On with it Ackerman!!”

Dr. Ackerman nodded and did his best to swallow with what little saliva he had remaining in his throat.

“Yes sir. It seems the patient died when I gave him his dose from Monday morning.”

“What were his vitals?”

“They are all here in his chart.” Dr. Ackerman handed Dr. Barton the folder he ran in with. Dr. Barton was reading it over while Ackerman continued.

“When he came to, after the first serum which we gave him Friday afternoon, he seemed intent on knowing what day it was. He also kept screaming for an…um. Just one second I have it written down in my notepad here.” Dr. Ackerman reached into his lab coat front pocket for his notes. “Ah here it is ‘Audrey.’ He kept screaming for a lady named Audrey.”

Dr. Barton looked up from the file. “It says here in the patient’s file that he was married to an Audrey Beaumont for a few years. She was killed in a car accident twenty-two years ago. The Military Police blamed it on the slippery roads since she was driving in a blizzard.”

“Well that makes sense for him to revisit such extreme trauma when induced, but sir what doesn’t seem to have any explanation is the patient’s cause of death.”

“What were his symptoms?”

“No symptoms sir. Now you know he was left strapped to a bed and under round the clock surveillance right?”

“Yes of course! On with it!”

“Well sir, patient 77X4Y, or “the commandant,” apparently suffered and possibly died from a crushed ribcage, broken cheek bones, and intense internal bleeding at about two hours ago.”

A very large smile appeared on Dr. Barton’s aged face.

“Well then the serum seems to be a success, doesn’t it, Dr. Ackerman?”

Be Seeing You

Amazing News! I have just discovered that episodes of the Prisoner are being aired on IFC.

Terrible News! My mom does not like the Prisoner. She gave me her critique of it: "Oh, this is AW-ful, Adam. I can't believe you watch this."

Sadly, she also did not appreciate the bubble that chases people while having an awesome, creepy hum. As usual she just doesn't get her nerdy, out of work, comedy writing son. But then again, what woman could. Pssshhhh...

-a.

I'm a Fifty Year Old Man

I noticed that I dress, act and live out the life of a middle-aged man. I love slacks, thick button-ups, black coffee, early bird specials, reading, staying in, and driving slowly.

Unfortunately I don't have the following traits of a middle-aged man: pension, benefits, job, house and a boat.

Gosh, life's hard when you want to start a band, and have dinner ready by 3:30pm.