I hate New year's Eve. It just gives people an excuse to drink a lot and count backwards.
-a.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
A Message to James Cameron
Jimmy,
You've fucking done it again! First Terminator 3, and now Avatar.
Thank you!
-a.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
An old Stand Up joke that works better as a Blog Post.
On the Elvis Impersonator page for Wikipedia.org it reads:
" 'True' impersonators believe that they are 'chosen' by the King to continue his work..."
It also states:
" 'True' impersonators don't 'do Elvis' for monetary gain, but as missionaries to spread the message of the king."
Talk about misinterpreting the Divine Right of Kings.
-a.
" 'True' impersonators believe that they are 'chosen' by the King to continue his work..."
It also states:
" 'True' impersonators don't 'do Elvis' for monetary gain, but as missionaries to spread the message of the king."
Talk about misinterpreting the Divine Right of Kings.
-a.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Alvin and the Chipmunks the Squekquel
If you like the hit song by Beyonce' "Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)" but always desired to hear her vocals at a much higher pitch, than this movie is for you.
-a.
-a.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Minions of the Playhouse
Costumes wandering,
making children peddle (in character).
Handing leaflets and speaking,
in predetermined tongues.
I won't buy what you're selling.
This is concrete,
not cobblestone!
making children peddle (in character).
Handing leaflets and speaking,
in predetermined tongues.
I won't buy what you're selling.
This is concrete,
not cobblestone!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Delicious Yuk-yuks!
The once-mighty Chicago Bulls blow the biggest lead in an NBA game in 13 years. They probably shouldn't have tried to learn how to moonwalk during the third quarter.
Russian hackers may have stolen tens of millions from Citibank, the Wall Street Journal reports. But isn't the Wall Street Journal an American periodical? This is just the Cold War all over again!
Iran's leader accuses the American government of an elaborate deception. He claims Obama put the "bop" in the "Bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop."
Phony calls from banks are just one tactic con artists use to trick the elderly out of their money. Shoving them to trigger their vertigo while stealing their purse is another strategy.
Elton John is known for his flamboyant style, which carries over into his Hollywood home. Say, you guys see Elton John's new house - neither did he. OH!...wait a sec.
I actually like two of the jokes today. I'd like to think of that as an improvement.
-a.
Russian hackers may have stolen tens of millions from Citibank, the Wall Street Journal reports. But isn't the Wall Street Journal an American periodical? This is just the Cold War all over again!
Iran's leader accuses the American government of an elaborate deception. He claims Obama put the "bop" in the "Bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop."
Phony calls from banks are just one tactic con artists use to trick the elderly out of their money. Shoving them to trigger their vertigo while stealing their purse is another strategy.
Elton John is known for his flamboyant style, which carries over into his Hollywood home. Say, you guys see Elton John's new house - neither did he. OH!...wait a sec.
I actually like two of the jokes today. I'd like to think of that as an improvement.
-a.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Better?
World's tallest teen girl (Marvadene Anderson) has been playing for just two months, and is already wowing coaches with how quickly she can change the lightbulbs in the hallways of her school.
Obama hails 'big victory' on health care with a crucial, middle-of-the-night test vote in the Senate that propelled the legislation toward final passage. Sadly, during Obama's "victory dance" he began wheezing.
The directors of "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" have expressed interest in making a film of "21 Jump STreet." Let's hope this gets greenlighted because then we're one step closer to "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" The Feature Film!!
Venezuela President Hugo Chavez wants to change what Angel Falls is called to "Splash Mountain!" He hopes by adding the exclamation point at the end, that he could avoid any legal issues with Walter Disney.
Nate Robinson believes his own coach doesn't want him on the Knicks. That's probably because Nate has been calling him "Eugene" when in fact his coach's name is "Mike."
Obama hails 'big victory' on health care with a crucial, middle-of-the-night test vote in the Senate that propelled the legislation toward final passage. Sadly, during Obama's "victory dance" he began wheezing.
The directors of "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" have expressed interest in making a film of "21 Jump STreet." Let's hope this gets greenlighted because then we're one step closer to "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" The Feature Film!!
Venezuela President Hugo Chavez wants to change what Angel Falls is called to "Splash Mountain!" He hopes by adding the exclamation point at the end, that he could avoid any legal issues with Walter Disney.
Nate Robinson believes his own coach doesn't want him on the Knicks. That's probably because Nate has been calling him "Eugene" when in fact his coach's name is "Mike."
Friday, December 18, 2009
More Spontaneous Jokes
Still trying to get through the cobwebs here:
Kardashian family's Christmas photo includes a celebrity they're not related to. I'll give you two hints; it's Opposite Day and it's not Dabney Coleman.
An airbrushed ad of former supermodel Twiggy leads to a government action because she had Mao Zedong watermarked on her ass. Models today think people look to them for political insight. Tsk, tsk.
A group calling itself the Iranian Cyber Army has hacked Twitter and an Iranian opposition website, replacing it with an anti-American message. The U.S. has plans to respond swiftly by hiring 7th graders to reply with "Iran is GAY!" on Obama's blog.
The Team Fortress 2 War updates have finally been revealed. Sadly, none of them include this game being completely altered to be Chrono Trigger.
The creator of “American Idol,” Simon Fuller, is developing a new reality show. No plots have been revealed yet, but it is safe to assume that it will include the mindless masses worshiping more useless people.
Better? I'll be better next week, I swear.
-a.
Kardashian family's Christmas photo includes a celebrity they're not related to. I'll give you two hints; it's Opposite Day and it's not Dabney Coleman.
An airbrushed ad of former supermodel Twiggy leads to a government action because she had Mao Zedong watermarked on her ass. Models today think people look to them for political insight. Tsk, tsk.
A group calling itself the Iranian Cyber Army has hacked Twitter and an Iranian opposition website, replacing it with an anti-American message. The U.S. has plans to respond swiftly by hiring 7th graders to reply with "Iran is GAY!" on Obama's blog.
The Team Fortress 2 War updates have finally been revealed. Sadly, none of them include this game being completely altered to be Chrono Trigger.
The creator of “American Idol,” Simon Fuller, is developing a new reality show. No plots have been revealed yet, but it is safe to assume that it will include the mindless masses worshiping more useless people.
Better? I'll be better next week, I swear.
-a.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Jokes off the top of my head!
I'm going to try and do this as often as possible when I have nothing to write. It'll keep the creativity flowing (hopefully). All of these are taken from Yahoo.com
For five years, one company paid a six-figure salary to a candidate who actually rejected its job offer. What's more surprising is that he was fired for taking long lunches.
A four year old was suspended for having long hair. Parent's are outraged. They should calm down, because Rapunzel was locked away in a tower for many years and eventually whored herself to the first man who could climb up her window.
The Titans' Chris Johnson says he could outrun Olympic champion Usain Bolt. He also claims that he could kick the shit out of Robo Cop. And that's why he's my MVP!
Domino's says it's changing its pizza recipe in just about every way. They claim they are working on a --get this-- SQUARE pizza! You believe that?
Nicole Kidman had a make-up malfunction this past Tuesday. Sources say that she's bee
n moonlighting as a children's birthday clown. By the way she makes a killer Naomi Watts out of a balloon.
I promise these will get better.
-a.
For five years, one company paid a six-figure salary to a candidate who actually rejected its job offer. What's more surprising is that he was fired for taking long lunches.
A four year old was suspended for having long hair. Parent's are outraged. They should calm down, because Rapunzel was locked away in a tower for many years and eventually whored herself to the first man who could climb up her window.
The Titans' Chris Johnson says he could outrun Olympic champion Usain Bolt. He also claims that he could kick the shit out of Robo Cop. And that's why he's my MVP!
Domino's says it's changing its pizza recipe in just about every way. They claim they are working on a --get this-- SQUARE pizza! You believe that?
Nicole Kidman had a make-up malfunction this past Tuesday. Sources say that she's bee
n moonlighting as a children's birthday clown. By the way she makes a killer Naomi Watts out of a balloon. I promise these will get better.
-a.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Sitting Down
It's been quite a while since I performed any stand up. I have tons of ideas, but for almost this entire year they all included a lot of work prior to getting on stage. Such as filming and editing a video, recording and editing voice work, and blowing up a picture of me on a 2 seated bike (I swear that I'm not crazy).
Lately I've been itching to get up on stage. But I've been busy with comedy related work that actually should lead to a job or money so it's not like I've been 100% lazy. Do keep your eyes peeled because one day soon the chairs will take a stand (that means I'll finally do some stand up shows).
-a.
Lately I've been itching to get up on stage. But I've been busy with comedy related work that actually should lead to a job or money so it's not like I've been 100% lazy. Do keep your eyes peeled because one day soon the chairs will take a stand (that means I'll finally do some stand up shows).
-a.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Philosopher's on Trains: "Mr. Zip"
Last week I was jerked around by the great LIRR, and their infallible ways. When I was finally boarded onto a train, a man drinking some sort of alcoholic beverage (complete with a lemon wedge) decided to teach me of the Cash Advance business. While doing so he got side tracked by discussing a co-worker who is a play wright and who he believes is currently writing a play about the cash advance business (I'll certainly take two tickets to see that).
"Our" conversation went on like this for ten or so minutes until he switched gears to discuss how some people who live in Nesconset, never decide to travel to New York City, and how much of a shame that is. He also decided to lecture me on the design of the Norman Thomas Center, and how it was built to look like an IBM punch card.
It didn't end there! He also went so far to say that he remembers when he started out in advertising and they were pushing for people to use zip codes and they created a character named; Mr. Zip.
It was an exciting train ride for my brain, but sadly my mouth couldn't do more than speak: "oh yea?" "really?" "That's cool." "Haha!" "What can ya' do?" Then when those train doors opened my legs did their best impression of Prefontaine.
"Our" conversation went on like this for ten or so minutes until he switched gears to discuss how some people who live in Nesconset, never decide to travel to New York City, and how much of a shame that is. He also decided to lecture me on the design of the Norman Thomas Center, and how it was built to look like an IBM punch card.
It didn't end there! He also went so far to say that he remembers when he started out in advertising and they were pushing for people to use zip codes and they created a character named; Mr. Zip.
It was an exciting train ride for my brain, but sadly my mouth couldn't do more than speak: "oh yea?" "really?" "That's cool." "Haha!" "What can ya' do?" Then when those train doors opened my legs did their best impression of Prefontaine.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Ladie's Man?
Last night I was re-watching the Pilot to Freaks & Geeks and I noticed that I dance exactly like Sam does at the end of the episode. So it's quite clear at age 26, that I dance like an awkward 7th grader. I just hope my nephews don't ask me for dance tips once 8th grade comes around for them.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Philosopher's on Trains: "BITCH!"
I cannot believe that I forgot to share this story with you all last week. You see, I was waiting for the train to start moving, when young couple sat nearby and were talking sweet to one another. Which was fine, but things went sour seconds later:
He: "So you're going?"
She: "Yea. Well, with my mom."
He: "You're not going! I'll get off this train right now."
She: "I'm going with my mom, what's the problem?"
(He gets up and storms off the train--She gets up)
She: "I need my keys!"
He: I don't have your keys!"
She: Yes, you do!"
It went on this poorly acted for a while until they seemed to reconcile their "differences":
She: (inaudible)
He: "I AIN'T YOUR FRIEND, BITCH!"
(He storms off into a different seat 3 rows away--She immediately follows)
For the rest of the trip they were inseparable in each others arms.
I found that perplexing that day, but I recently spoke to someone who was describing the opening scene to Four Christmases (starring Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon) and they do something similar as their way of roleplaying (in a public area). So perhaps that's what these two lovebirds were doing. But what's weird is that then one of their fetishes is having someone be as illogical/annoying as a high school boyfriend.
He: "So you're going?"
She: "Yea. Well, with my mom."
He: "You're not going! I'll get off this train right now."
She: "I'm going with my mom, what's the problem?"
(He gets up and storms off the train--She gets up)
She: "I need my keys!"
He: I don't have your keys!"
She: Yes, you do!"
It went on this poorly acted for a while until they seemed to reconcile their "differences":
She: (inaudible)
He: "I AIN'T YOUR FRIEND, BITCH!"
(He storms off into a different seat 3 rows away--She immediately follows)
For the rest of the trip they were inseparable in each others arms.
I found that perplexing that day, but I recently spoke to someone who was describing the opening scene to Four Christmases (starring Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon) and they do something similar as their way of roleplaying (in a public area). So perhaps that's what these two lovebirds were doing. But what's weird is that then one of their fetishes is having someone be as illogical/annoying as a high school boyfriend.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Tiger (Woods) Uppercut!
"Can you believe what he did?"
"Where does he get off?"
"How dare you?!"
"I won't root for him."
"His wife is hot."
"Cheated!"
"Will he lose his sponsors?"
"How could he?"
WHO FUCKING CARES! HE IS NOT YOUR NEIGHBOR/FRIEND/RELATIVE. Find something else to do.
-a.
"Where does he get off?"
"How dare you?!"
"I won't root for him."
"His wife is hot."
"Cheated!"
"Will he lose his sponsors?"
"How could he?"
WHO FUCKING CARES! HE IS NOT YOUR NEIGHBOR/FRIEND/RELATIVE. Find something else to do.
-a.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Airborne
I'm currently trying to fight off a cold and I've been swigging back some airborne and I do believe that this stuff works. If you can get past the dusty, muddy look of the "Zesty Orange" tablet, and if you can handle the flavor of watered down, crappy orange juice, than you can enjoy the 1,667% of Vitamin C that each tablet gives you of your daily requirement. NOTE: It also gives you a ton of other stuff that's good for you.
So whether you're sick or just sick of tasty drinks that give you ZERO vitamins, then bottoms up!
-a.
PS No, I am not a sponsor or spokesman for Airborne. I just like it.
So whether you're sick or just sick of tasty drinks that give you ZERO vitamins, then bottoms up!
-a.
PS No, I am not a sponsor or spokesman for Airborne. I just like it.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
As the World Turns (we miss "As the World Turns")
Are you kidding me, CBS?! You're canceling As The World Turns? Now what am I left to watch? The Bold and Beautiful? The Young and the Restless? First Guiding Light and now this?!
My grandmother and I are furious, CBS!
FURIOUS!!!!
This is a worse turn of events than when Kirk Anderson was dealing with that no good swindler; Umberto Malzone. Kirk felt so betrayed that he had murderous thoughts regarding Umberto. But Samantha discovered his evil scheme, so he kidnapped her, then that damn John Stenbeck shot dear Kirk and went to jail (where he belonged in the first place - bastard!).
See, I'll no longer have new memories of my favorite new characters like Carly or Rosanna. I'm left with old memories of worlds once turned. Curse you, CBS. I hope your ratings match how I feel; low.
ATWT FAN 4-LIFE,
adam.
My grandmother and I are furious, CBS!
FURIOUS!!!!
This is a worse turn of events than when Kirk Anderson was dealing with that no good swindler; Umberto Malzone. Kirk felt so betrayed that he had murderous thoughts regarding Umberto. But Samantha discovered his evil scheme, so he kidnapped her, then that damn John Stenbeck shot dear Kirk and went to jail (where he belonged in the first place - bastard!).
See, I'll no longer have new memories of my favorite new characters like Carly or Rosanna. I'm left with old memories of worlds once turned. Curse you, CBS. I hope your ratings match how I feel; low.
ATWT FAN 4-LIFE,
adam.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Shoe Tying Wins game
Jarrett Jack, point guard, for the Raptors tied his shoe while in possession of the "rock," and no one on the Bulls team tried to stop him. They just watched in awe ("bunny-boy, bunny-boy, around the tree..."). Most Bulls fans are rather pissed and I don't blame them, because I can remember a time I won a chess match by dry heaving during my opponent's turn and his clock ran out of time. Sorry Vladamir, but you had it coming, buddy! Long story short, he was lynched by his home country...not my or my throat's fault.
Checkmate!
-Adam.
Friday, December 4, 2009
$ex $ell$
I'm a picky eater, but what I like to eat I could dine on everyday. Sadly for grapes with an AARP card, I don't eat raisins, they taste crappy to me. But all that's changed today!
I always thought I disliked raisins because they are just old, dried grapes. I now see that what Sun-Maid raisins were missing was a C-cup. I would eat her raisins all day.
Thank you, Sun-Maid, but next time you need to increase sales of your raisins you could add some chunks of bacon that feature sexy pigs with huge racks - mmmmmmmmmm...
-a.
I always thought I disliked raisins because they are just old, dried grapes. I now see that what Sun-Maid raisins were missing was a C-cup. I would eat her raisins all day.
Thank you, Sun-Maid, but next time you need to increase sales of your raisins you could add some chunks of bacon that feature sexy pigs with huge racks - mmmmmmmmmm...
-a.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Rock and/or Roll
My dad DVR'd the 25th Year Anniversary of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame on Sunday, and finally got around to watching it yesterday. Now I'm completely against classic rock in all it's aged, druggie, and lame forms but - I have to complain about one thing in particular; Fergie.
Why the hell was she even there? Who invited her? I can't help but wonder if the Hall of Fame people sent out invites to tons of artists and whoever were the first 32 to RSVP were the ones who got to be booked.
My Uncle was complaining that Jimmy Paige wasn't there, and rightfully so. He fits in much more with Crosby, Stills and Nash than Fergie. Hell, even Annie Lennox "belonged" there. She at least has a history in the business. Ferg's been in it for like what - 4 years?
Anyway, what's really weird is that for their 50th anniversary they'll probably have crap like Fallout Boy, Maroon 5, and Backstreet Boys performing...sickening.
-a.
Why the hell was she even there? Who invited her? I can't help but wonder if the Hall of Fame people sent out invites to tons of artists and whoever were the first 32 to RSVP were the ones who got to be booked.
My Uncle was complaining that Jimmy Paige wasn't there, and rightfully so. He fits in much more with Crosby, Stills and Nash than Fergie. Hell, even Annie Lennox "belonged" there. She at least has a history in the business. Ferg's been in it for like what - 4 years?
Anyway, what's really weird is that for their 50th anniversary they'll probably have crap like Fallout Boy, Maroon 5, and Backstreet Boys performing...sickening.
-a.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Star Wars?
I don't understand how someone who creates an entire universe cannot keep track of the simple things within said universe. I was researching the status of the alleged Star Wars Live Action TV Series slated to be released 2012 (I remember when it was slated to be released 2010!!!) and I saw this quote from Mr. George Lucas himself:
"The Emperor and Darth Vader are heard about — people talk about them — but you never see them because it doesn't take place where they actually are. There are storm troopers and all that, but there are no Jedis [sic]."
Now I'm unsure what is worse; that I know George incorrectly pluralized "Jedi" or that he doesn't know that he did. If you look closer the person who jotted this quote down put a "[sic]" right next to "Jedis" so everyone but Mr. Lucas knows that he is wrong.
Wake up George!
In other news of Star Wars grammatical/spelling blunders, I cannot ignore that Brian Posehn mis-spelled "Wookiee" in the CD booklet for his album "Nerd Rage." Brian, you left off the second "E." No disrespect, I mean you do have a joke that references that Han shot first but just be mindful of the future (OH!). This was just a friendly observation followed by a "kudos!"
-a.
"The Emperor and Darth Vader are heard about — people talk about them — but you never see them because it doesn't take place where they actually are. There are storm troopers and all that, but there are no Jedis [sic]."
Now I'm unsure what is worse; that I know George incorrectly pluralized "Jedi" or that he doesn't know that he did. If you look closer the person who jotted this quote down put a "[sic]" right next to "Jedis" so everyone but Mr. Lucas knows that he is wrong.
Wake up George!
In other news of Star Wars grammatical/spelling blunders, I cannot ignore that Brian Posehn mis-spelled "Wookiee" in the CD booklet for his album "Nerd Rage." Brian, you left off the second "E." No disrespect, I mean you do have a joke that references that Han shot first but just be mindful of the future (OH!). This was just a friendly observation followed by a "kudos!"
-a.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Yahoo's Top 10 Searches for 2009
10) Runescape: Apparently there is a free Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game or "MMORPG" (now you know--Dad!). Normally I'm against most new games because by default they suck, but I really appreciate the free aspect of this game. I don't play it, and no, not because I think I'm too cool for it. Why, just before I decided to write today's entry, I was researching HeroQuest.
9) NASCAR: Hahahahahahahahaha...
8) Kim Kardashian: I've already blogged my dislike toward this useless lady, but Yahoo claims people are Googling (is that possible?) her. Why they would want to waste their time reading up on her instead of reading my words is beyond me. I honestly cannot get over that she is a top 10 search subject. Shame on you America.
7) American Idol: It's seriously so hard to not have all of these share the same comment I put for #9. Judging from #8, it is safe to assume that America loves to research useless people.
6) Naruto: Hahahahahahahahahaha...seriously? I still think I'm cooler for researching a "dead" board game earlier!!!
5) Britney Spears: Still? Is America still that interested in her? Come on guys.
4) Megan Fox: I have yet to see a film of hers, but I can assure you as well as myself that it sucks. I don't see the whole hubbub about her. Her tattoos disgust me, but if I have to fill in a score card for her, I'd be forced to fill in something positive about her eyes. That's it!
3) WWE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...this list must be a joke. Quick history lesson, I loved wrestling from 87-91 maybe 92. Then I learned it was fake and Hogan wasn't around much so I ditched it. Came back in 98 and absolutely loved the art of it until 2000~2001. It's been a joke since. No wrestlers take risks anymore (thanks Vince) people like Rey Mysterio Jr. who were unbelievable in the 90's are no longer making jaws drop. It's sad. Now if #3 was FMW then yea, I could understand that. Thanks again America, enjoy watching John Cena bitch about not getting as good a parking spot as Randy Orton come Wrestlemania 26.
2) Twilight Saga: I don't see it. Yes, vampires are cool, and yes, Dawnson's Creek is cool, but they should never be mixed. Twilight sucks...get it? I wonder how many dad's said that terrible joke while waiting on the midnight showing line at the movies. My guess is "a lot."
1) Michael Jackson: if he didn't die he'd not be on this list. So Yahoo has taught me a few things about being noticed by America; make a sex tape, have big tits, or die.
I can make a sex tape, and die, but getting myself a nice rack may be tough to pull off, especially if they get in my way of typing what I'm aiming to be the top search of 2010; HeroQuest. 20 years late is a lot better than being popular for only this year--right Kim?
-a.
9) NASCAR: Hahahahahahahahaha...
8) Kim Kardashian: I've already blogged my dislike toward this useless lady, but Yahoo claims people are Googling (is that possible?) her. Why they would want to waste their time reading up on her instead of reading my words is beyond me. I honestly cannot get over that she is a top 10 search subject. Shame on you America.
7) American Idol: It's seriously so hard to not have all of these share the same comment I put for #9. Judging from #8, it is safe to assume that America loves to research useless people.
6) Naruto: Hahahahahahahahahaha...seriously? I still think I'm cooler for researching a "dead" board game earlier!!!
5) Britney Spears: Still? Is America still that interested in her? Come on guys.
4) Megan Fox: I have yet to see a film of hers, but I can assure you as well as myself that it sucks. I don't see the whole hubbub about her. Her tattoos disgust me, but if I have to fill in a score card for her, I'd be forced to fill in something positive about her eyes. That's it!
3) WWE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...this list must be a joke. Quick history lesson, I loved wrestling from 87-91 maybe 92. Then I learned it was fake and Hogan wasn't around much so I ditched it. Came back in 98 and absolutely loved the art of it until 2000~2001. It's been a joke since. No wrestlers take risks anymore (thanks Vince) people like Rey Mysterio Jr. who were unbelievable in the 90's are no longer making jaws drop. It's sad. Now if #3 was FMW then yea, I could understand that. Thanks again America, enjoy watching John Cena bitch about not getting as good a parking spot as Randy Orton come Wrestlemania 26.
2) Twilight Saga: I don't see it. Yes, vampires are cool, and yes, Dawnson's Creek is cool, but they should never be mixed. Twilight sucks...get it? I wonder how many dad's said that terrible joke while waiting on the midnight showing line at the movies. My guess is "a lot."
1) Michael Jackson: if he didn't die he'd not be on this list. So Yahoo has taught me a few things about being noticed by America; make a sex tape, have big tits, or die.
I can make a sex tape, and die, but getting myself a nice rack may be tough to pull off, especially if they get in my way of typing what I'm aiming to be the top search of 2010; HeroQuest. 20 years late is a lot better than being popular for only this year--right Kim?
-a.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Changes
When I was growing up my dad always bragged on and on about the Beatles and how they created music, and that all the bands I listen to should thank them for starting up this thing called "music." So I don't think that I was so dumb to assume every British sounding performer on the radio was in fact the Beatles.
All this came to a grinding halt when in 6th or 7th grade when I told my mom that my favorite Beatles song was "Changes." She laughed and said that it was a David Bowie song. I was confused. Nonetheless the Beatles died a little bit that day, and this "David Bowie" rose to prominence.
It went on like that for many years until I finally got a Best of CD for Bowie and realized that Lennon and McCartney were too busy smoking up with Dylan to write "Modern Love." For shame on you, Beatles. Were you too busy wasting recording time for "Yellow submarine" to ignore the awesomeness of Under Pressure? If anything, bands I like should be thanking Bowie (and most do). Go get a haircut, you hippies!
Sorry dad.
-a.
All this came to a grinding halt when in 6th or 7th grade when I told my mom that my favorite Beatles song was "Changes." She laughed and said that it was a David Bowie song. I was confused. Nonetheless the Beatles died a little bit that day, and this "David Bowie" rose to prominence.
It went on like that for many years until I finally got a Best of CD for Bowie and realized that Lennon and McCartney were too busy smoking up with Dylan to write "Modern Love." For shame on you, Beatles. Were you too busy wasting recording time for "Yellow submarine" to ignore the awesomeness of Under Pressure? If anything, bands I like should be thanking Bowie (and most do). Go get a haircut, you hippies!
Sorry dad.
-a.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Population: Me
Today marks the end of shopping in stores for me. From here on out (unless absolutely necessary) I shop online only. This way I avoid old acquaintances, hot stores due to too many shoppers, traffic, and slow moving lines. Ah, the holidays.
Good luck with your shopping and stay away from the stores. It's just not worth it.
-a.
Good luck with your shopping and stay away from the stores. It's just not worth it.
-a.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Evilive
So many bad, negative and evil things in this world all have a fan, following or message board; Satan, Pedophilia, Hall & Oates. But there is one thing I believe we can all agree on...hating, and that is pot holes.
Weird, huh?
Weird, huh?
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Writer's Block
I'm fairly certain I have a case of this right now. I'm trying to tighten and punch up my spec for Community, and it is just so difficult today. Unfortunately I've been too busy (and lazy) since last Friday for writing and I feel as if I'm being punished for that now.
Perhaps to jump start my funny bone I'll tell an impromptu joke right now:
What did the potato say to the onion?
"What are you crying about?"
What did the onion reply with?
"I've just been diagnosed with a rare skin condition."
OH!
that was all improv, although I did have to fix the many type-o's I made when trying to type such a string of funny words.
Thank you, and you're welcome.
-a.
Perhaps to jump start my funny bone I'll tell an impromptu joke right now:
What did the potato say to the onion?
"What are you crying about?"
What did the onion reply with?
"I've just been diagnosed with a rare skin condition."
OH!
that was all improv, although I did have to fix the many type-o's I made when trying to type such a string of funny words.
Thank you, and you're welcome.
-a.
Monday, November 23, 2009
When Black Friday Comes
Yes, the title comes from a Steely Dan song. No, I do not like them. My parents love them and I unfortunately know a lot about them and their music.
Anywho, I may be unemployed but cannot help but celebrate the fact that I do not work in retail. When I did for many years I dreaded Black Friday all year round, especially the week of. I dreaded being yelled at (and feigning interest) because we ran out of Van Wilder in the $5 DVD bins, or the mom's who came in at 10pm looking for Furby--at the height of Furby's popularity!
I just want to let current retail employees know that I feel their pain, and to help alleviate them of that pain I will not be shopping Friday. I'll be one less person for them to worry about.
Unfortunately that elderly woman who yelled at me a few years back because we had only one copy of Jeopardy! for PC will more than likely be searching for something equally useless and in low quantity. Best of luck, gang!
-a.
Anywho, I may be unemployed but cannot help but celebrate the fact that I do not work in retail. When I did for many years I dreaded Black Friday all year round, especially the week of. I dreaded being yelled at (and feigning interest) because we ran out of Van Wilder in the $5 DVD bins, or the mom's who came in at 10pm looking for Furby--at the height of Furby's popularity!
I just want to let current retail employees know that I feel their pain, and to help alleviate them of that pain I will not be shopping Friday. I'll be one less person for them to worry about.
Unfortunately that elderly woman who yelled at me a few years back because we had only one copy of Jeopardy! for PC will more than likely be searching for something equally useless and in low quantity. Best of luck, gang!
-a.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Tuesdays!?!?! February!?!?!?
That is correct. The final season of LOST will not air on it's usual day of Wednesday (ignoring Season 4's Thursday slot) but on Tuesday's starting February 2, 2010. I'm excited that we have a definitive date and the lame Olympics won't interfere, but I hate the sound of "February."
Even if the show started on January 31st, it sounds so much closer. Anyway this season premiere will have all the usual trimmings; One hour re-cap of the past seasons, and 2 episodes back-to-back.
I shall see my old friend every Tuesday night at 9 p.m. and I hope you all do the same.
I got this info from a link off of Lostpedia.
Proof I'm not making this up --> CLICK ME!
Even if the show started on January 31st, it sounds so much closer. Anyway this season premiere will have all the usual trimmings; One hour re-cap of the past seasons, and 2 episodes back-to-back.
I shall see my old friend every Tuesday night at 9 p.m. and I hope you all do the same.
I got this info from a link off of Lostpedia.
Proof I'm not making this up --> CLICK ME!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Eclipsed by New Moon
I have finally finished my vampire series Bela Lugosi's First Date, and it is eclipsed (no pun intended) by the theatrical release of New Moon. I have been busting my hump to get these final pages to my editor (Gregory Hoffman) and now he says he can't revise them today because he, his 6 year old daughter and his 21 year old son have plans to see the midnight showing of New Moon.
Come on! I have written pages upon pages of Bela Lugosi in high school wanting to be an actor, but secretly knowing that he is an agent of the undead, and has a crush on non other than the ghoulish cheerleader!!! I have also planned out a fantastic board game where you play the role of any of your favorite characters (the Ghoulish Cheerleader "Gina," the Mummified Quarterback "Jake," the Mad Earth Scientist "Prof. Bumble," and of course "Bela Lugosi") and you roll a D6 (6 sided die) and move that many spaces and draw cards, and buy properties such as: B&O Graveyard Railroad, Water Works of Doom, Broadway Bat Cave, and so on. But now that my book's publication has been pushed, back your children will have to wait until fall of next year to read and play these delightful creations of mine.
Thanks for nothing, Stephanie Meyer. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to write a cross-over series where my characters kick the crap out of your characters, and my editor in this tale will not see your movie, but see "Shanghai Night" because it happens to be a good film, not a crappy book turned to crappy film.
Hmph!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Apologies.
I have failed my hungry readers once again by not writing a post yesterday. When days that like that occur (hopefully not too often) I'd like to divert your attention to another (better) blog:
Dear Mr. So and So
It's a blog where two of my funny friends write letters to one another (almost like improv, but in between pen pals.)
I like it so much that I've decided to steal that idea and write a book using that style. Now my book will be solely written by my funny self. So the idea would only be half-stolen.
Enjoy!
-a.
Dear Mr. So and So
It's a blog where two of my funny friends write letters to one another (almost like improv, but in between pen pals.)
I like it so much that I've decided to steal that idea and write a book using that style. Now my book will be solely written by my funny self. So the idea would only be half-stolen.
Enjoy!
-a.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Heathens rent DVD's too?
I was raised to respect other people's property (a.k.a. the O.P.P. Philosophy) and I have kept in line with those teachings since day one. It probably hurt me more than helped me since I keep all of my CD's, books, DVD's and collectibles in the greatest condition to the point where I make sure my CD's and DVD's are always right side up in their case.
So knowing that about my upbringing it shouldn't surprise you how shocked and awed I am to have DVD's skip that I rent from the library. It really gets my locksmith laid off to be watching an episode of LOST from season 4 and to have scenes in my favorite episode ever (The Constant) skip so badly that the audio and video cease to match up on the disc.
I took the DVD out of the player to see what was going on, and it seriously looks like the people who had this disc under their care prior to me wiped their hands with the disc after a big dinner of KFC. What's worse is that LOST is an adult show so children should be far from these DVD's, so the culprits are from the age of 13 to 4,815,162,342 (<--see what I did there?).
Shame on you who just go all willy-nilly with other people's expensive items, and good television for that matter. I can understand this sort of treatment for a complete box set to Hee-Haw, but not LOST.
So knowing that about my upbringing it shouldn't surprise you how shocked and awed I am to have DVD's skip that I rent from the library. It really gets my locksmith laid off to be watching an episode of LOST from season 4 and to have scenes in my favorite episode ever (The Constant) skip so badly that the audio and video cease to match up on the disc.
I took the DVD out of the player to see what was going on, and it seriously looks like the people who had this disc under their care prior to me wiped their hands with the disc after a big dinner of KFC. What's worse is that LOST is an adult show so children should be far from these DVD's, so the culprits are from the age of 13 to 4,815,162,342 (<--see what I did there?).
Shame on you who just go all willy-nilly with other people's expensive items, and good television for that matter. I can understand this sort of treatment for a complete box set to Hee-Haw, but not LOST.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Dream Job #1
"Through the force, things you will see." -Yoda
Dream job #1 is most certainly a pipe dream. And I know what you're all thinking: "Adam, I thought you hate Jedi and love the Sith?" True. But the Sith have the rule I hate which is "there can only be two." (thanks for nothing Darth Bane!!) Jedi at least have an academy where you can be trained to use the force. Plus the Sith love scouting new blood by corrupting Jedi, so by becoming a Jedi a Sith Lord or Apprentice may approach me and ask for me to join their cause (obviously my new master and I would have to slay the other Sith member to keep the rule of two.)
Now you are probably wondering why my #1 dream job is not "comedic writer" or "part of a successful sketch troupe." And that is because I truly believe that those two goals (especially the former) are most certainly attainable by me, and I'd also like to not consider them "dream jobs."
Thanks so much for reading this week and may the force be with you.
-adam.
Dream job #1 is most certainly a pipe dream. And I know what you're all thinking: "Adam, I thought you hate Jedi and love the Sith?" True. But the Sith have the rule I hate which is "there can only be two." (thanks for nothing Darth Bane!!) Jedi at least have an academy where you can be trained to use the force. Plus the Sith love scouting new blood by corrupting Jedi, so by becoming a Jedi a Sith Lord or Apprentice may approach me and ask for me to join their cause (obviously my new master and I would have to slay the other Sith member to keep the rule of two.)
Now you are probably wondering why my #1 dream job is not "comedic writer" or "part of a successful sketch troupe." And that is because I truly believe that those two goals (especially the former) are most certainly attainable by me, and I'd also like to not consider them "dream jobs."
Thanks so much for reading this week and may the force be with you.
-adam.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Dream Job #2
My favorite firearm is Alekhine's Gun.
My 2nd most desired dream job is being a Chess Grand Master. I'm not one for traveling but I'm certain that it's because when I travel it is not to solely play chess...I also am deathly scared to fly. But if I was a Grand Master I'd travel allover the globe just to play people who do not speak the same language as me, but can read chess notation with ease (and scientists say the only universal language is math...screw you guy from Contact).
What prevents me from being a Chess Grand Master is my age. Apparently you should start at a very, very young age because a child's mind is like clay and you can mold it with any sort of knowledge for it to retain. My rock hard brain is much tougher to absorb the delicate strategies of the French Defense and all of it's variations, but I still read up on it, practice and (attempt to) execute them.
Now that I let out my biggest secrets/vulnerabilities (i.e. lack of chess knowledge and my one opening I know--for black of all colors) you can start each game as white and not do e4 and certainly not follow it with d4. If emoticons were accepted in the chess world, here is where I'd place a colon and an open parenthesis. But in stead I'll write:
1. e4 e6 2. d4 d5 3. Nc3 Bb4 4. e5 c5 5. Bd2 Ne7 6. Nb5 Bxd2+ 7. Qxd2 0–0 8. c3 b6 9. f4 Ba6 10. Nf3 Qd7 11. a4 Nbc6 12. b4 cxb4 13. cxb4 Bb7 14. Nd6 f5 15. a5 Nc8 16. Nxb7 Qxb7 17. a6 Qf7 18. Bb5 N8e7 19. 0–0 h6 20. Rfc1 Rfc8 21. Rc2 Qe8? 22. Rac1 Rab8 23. Qe3 Rc7 24. Rc3 Qd7 25. R1c2 Kf8 26. Qc1 Rbc8 27. Ba4 b5 28. Bxb5 Ke8 29. Ba4 Kd8 30. h4! h5 31. Kh2 g6 32. g3 (Zugzwang) 1-0
(the sad face emoticon is a mirror of assumption for black--note: he used the French opening also--my favorite variation too!)
-a.
My 2nd most desired dream job is being a Chess Grand Master. I'm not one for traveling but I'm certain that it's because when I travel it is not to solely play chess...I also am deathly scared to fly. But if I was a Grand Master I'd travel allover the globe just to play people who do not speak the same language as me, but can read chess notation with ease (and scientists say the only universal language is math...screw you guy from Contact).
What prevents me from being a Chess Grand Master is my age. Apparently you should start at a very, very young age because a child's mind is like clay and you can mold it with any sort of knowledge for it to retain. My rock hard brain is much tougher to absorb the delicate strategies of the French Defense and all of it's variations, but I still read up on it, practice and (attempt to) execute them.
Now that I let out my biggest secrets/vulnerabilities (i.e. lack of chess knowledge and my one opening I know--for black of all colors) you can start each game as white and not do e4 and certainly not follow it with d4. If emoticons were accepted in the chess world, here is where I'd place a colon and an open parenthesis. But in stead I'll write:
1. e4 e6 2. d4 d5 3. Nc3 Bb4 4. e5 c5 5. Bd2 Ne7 6. Nb5 Bxd2+ 7. Qxd2 0–0 8. c3 b6 9. f4 Ba6 10. Nf3 Qd7 11. a4 Nbc6 12. b4 cxb4 13. cxb4 Bb7 14. Nd6 f5 15. a5 Nc8 16. Nxb7 Qxb7 17. a6 Qf7 18. Bb5 N8e7 19. 0–0 h6 20. Rfc1 Rfc8 21. Rc2 Qe8? 22. Rac1 Rab8 23. Qe3 Rc7 24. Rc3 Qd7 25. R1c2 Kf8 26. Qc1 Rbc8 27. Ba4 b5 28. Bxb5 Ke8 29. Ba4 Kd8 30. h4! h5 31. Kh2 g6 32. g3 (Zugzwang) 1-0
(the sad face emoticon is a mirror of assumption for black--note: he used the French opening also--my favorite variation too!)
-a.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Dream Job #3
s.S -> s.S -> QCF+K -> RC -> s.HS -> QCB+P -> P -> RC -> s.HS -> QCB+P -> P
This dream job can only happen if I ever get to travel back in time (if I ignore my top place/time to be if I ever get to time travel--I'll save that for a future blog post). There was a time when I wanted to write strategy guides for 2 dimensional fighting games (i.e. Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, Samurai Shodown, etc.) I used to write out any and all combos I discovered, neat tricks and when that got "boring" I would then seek out and document glitches I found in games (mainly Mortal Kombat, tsk tsk Mr. Tobias).
Sadly times have changed. America doesn't want 2 dimensional games, they want Lara Croft half naked shooting a mummy, or to do guitar-karaoke to Magic Carpet Ride. So I'd be forced to write these guides in Japan. But I hate flying and don't want to learn a new language (that isn't Jawaese), so I'm stuck here doomed to complain forever...oh, and I also *quit* video games.
-a.
*= I try to find anything else to do besides play a video game (i.e. write, read, draw, re-watch LOST, Twin Peaks, etc.) When all those fail I'll dabble in a shoot-em-up (aka SHMUP) to see how high of a score I can get in ONE play on one credit.
This dream job can only happen if I ever get to travel back in time (if I ignore my top place/time to be if I ever get to time travel--I'll save that for a future blog post). There was a time when I wanted to write strategy guides for 2 dimensional fighting games (i.e. Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, Samurai Shodown, etc.) I used to write out any and all combos I discovered, neat tricks and when that got "boring" I would then seek out and document glitches I found in games (mainly Mortal Kombat, tsk tsk Mr. Tobias).
Sadly times have changed. America doesn't want 2 dimensional games, they want Lara Croft half naked shooting a mummy, or to do guitar-karaoke to Magic Carpet Ride. So I'd be forced to write these guides in Japan. But I hate flying and don't want to learn a new language (that isn't Jawaese), so I'm stuck here doomed to complain forever...oh, and I also *quit* video games.
-a.
*= I try to find anything else to do besides play a video game (i.e. write, read, draw, re-watch LOST, Twin Peaks, etc.) When all those fail I'll dabble in a shoot-em-up (aka SHMUP) to see how high of a score I can get in ONE play on one credit.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Dream Job #4
"Pick a card, any card!"
That's right, gang. I want to be a magician. Could you imagine getting so good at sleight of hand, that you could pick pockets, or steal someones watch while looking them in the eyes? That seems so cool to me. I'm really more interested in card magic. I just love the idea of making cards disappear, and reappear in front of large crowds. I especially love when magician's throw playing cards Gambit style also.
But sadly to do any of the above you have to train for hours upon hours each and every day. I am not willing to do that. I tried and got bored after a bit. It's fun to "practice" while I'm on the phone with someone, but I'd rather use my free time writing or reading. But, do know that on occasion I dabble with the "dark arts" to see my nephews smile in delight, as the Amazing Uncle Adam makes the penny reappear under his left hand.
-a.
That's right, gang. I want to be a magician. Could you imagine getting so good at sleight of hand, that you could pick pockets, or steal someones watch while looking them in the eyes? That seems so cool to me. I'm really more interested in card magic. I just love the idea of making cards disappear, and reappear in front of large crowds. I especially love when magician's throw playing cards Gambit style also.
But sadly to do any of the above you have to train for hours upon hours each and every day. I am not willing to do that. I tried and got bored after a bit. It's fun to "practice" while I'm on the phone with someone, but I'd rather use my free time writing or reading. But, do know that on occasion I dabble with the "dark arts" to see my nephews smile in delight, as the Amazing Uncle Adam makes the penny reappear under his left hand.
-a.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Dream Job #5
I have decided to do another week long theme for my blog. This week's theme is "Dream Jobs." Each day I shall discuss one of my top five dream jobs here in my blog. Now away we go!
Private Detective
Yep, I want this job bad. The problem is that I am not willing to put in the time to achieve this position. I also do not care for the late nights, and oh yea the DANGER! But when I picture myself having this job it is so awesome.
I wear a trench coat, I drink tons of coffee and I have a day old pizza in the box sitting on my desk. Then someone walks into my office and asks for assistance. While investigating said case, it turns out to be an X-File, and I do not get eaten by the werewolf in the end.
Sounds neat, huh? It is. But sadly I know it's fiction. I know that even if I did get a case that I'd be caught by whoever I had to spy on and be beaten, stabbed or shot. Surprisingly enough, I am a fan of any of those.
But thanks to the great show Bored to Death, I can see a writer who moonlights as a part time investigator with no credentials. Boy I wish I thought up that plot for a show. Thanks Jonathon Ames for preventing me from following through with a kooky dream job that will only get me killed.
-a.
Private Detective
Yep, I want this job bad. The problem is that I am not willing to put in the time to achieve this position. I also do not care for the late nights, and oh yea the DANGER! But when I picture myself having this job it is so awesome.
I wear a trench coat, I drink tons of coffee and I have a day old pizza in the box sitting on my desk. Then someone walks into my office and asks for assistance. While investigating said case, it turns out to be an X-File, and I do not get eaten by the werewolf in the end.
Sounds neat, huh? It is. But sadly I know it's fiction. I know that even if I did get a case that I'd be caught by whoever I had to spy on and be beaten, stabbed or shot. Surprisingly enough, I am a fan of any of those.
But thanks to the great show Bored to Death, I can see a writer who moonlights as a part time investigator with no credentials. Boy I wish I thought up that plot for a show. Thanks Jonathon Ames for preventing me from following through with a kooky dream job that will only get me killed.
-a.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Reading has taken over Video gaming?
That's right. Since I've pretty much quit video games (note: I plan on playing them occasionally some time in the future--no specific start date decided yet) all I find myself doing in my free time is reading. If 6th grade Adam ever found this out, he'd flip the fuck out...so please don't tell him. Let him discover this on his own.
Shhhhhhhhhh...
-a.
Shhhhhhhhhh...
-a.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
A Simple Request
I cannot stress this enough; if you are going to use a stall in the men's room, please close the door. Don't go all willy-nilly with the door open. It is very awkward for the guy who sees the mirage of an available stall. Thank you.
Some people...
Some people...
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
School Sucks
This past Sunday my dad was watching a very old recording of Billy Crystal doing stand-up, and Billy had this (way too long if you ask me) bit of an annoying character at his 20 year High School reunion. He kept going on and on about how great it is to see everyone after all these years, and how great it is to get together every so often and reminisce.
Now I've heard people say things like that from time to time, but there really is no reason to get together again, or reminisce. Some people either didn't know about 80% of his high school (my school had a large class size)and about 19% were dicks to him for a majority of his time there. I'm not harboring a grudge or anything, it's just why do we have to talk, or meet up? We most likely grew apart? We probably have zero things in common, save one: we went to the same high school. That doesn't make me want to "catch up." I cannot believe this mentality has never crossed over into the dating world!
Guy: Hey, baby. Want to go out with me?
Girl: Ewww. No.
Guy: Why not? I mean, we're shopping in the same Home Depot?
Girl: Oh yea. I love you.
Guy: I know.
(sorry, I had to throw in the cool Han Solo line)
Stupid. But for the select few who I'd love to catch up with, feel free to contact me. And find out if you make the cut for Varsity!
-adam.
Now I've heard people say things like that from time to time, but there really is no reason to get together again, or reminisce. Some people either didn't know about 80% of his high school (my school had a large class size)and about 19% were dicks to him for a majority of his time there. I'm not harboring a grudge or anything, it's just why do we have to talk, or meet up? We most likely grew apart? We probably have zero things in common, save one: we went to the same high school. That doesn't make me want to "catch up." I cannot believe this mentality has never crossed over into the dating world!
Guy: Hey, baby. Want to go out with me?
Girl: Ewww. No.
Guy: Why not? I mean, we're shopping in the same Home Depot?
Girl: Oh yea. I love you.
Guy: I know.
(sorry, I had to throw in the cool Han Solo line)
Stupid. But for the select few who I'd love to catch up with, feel free to contact me. And find out if you make the cut for Varsity!
-adam.
Monday, November 2, 2009
O-Lame-Pics
THE HORROR!
The article above has me fuming. I am not against the Olympics because they may interfere with LOST. No, I have always been against the Olympics since I was a young boy because I knew that they were boring. Then one year the Olympics were on NBC and interfered with my Seinfeld viewing, so my hatred doubled because I wasn't going to get to watch the "Babka" episode. And now my arch nemesis; the Olympics is threatening my best friend ever; LOST.
Mark my words ancient games of skill, if you interrupt but a moment of my LOST viewing pleasure, I will personally train in a lame "sport" just so I can get on camera at the Olympic games, and flip your audience, judges and athletes the bird on live TV.
So please do not get in the camera's way of Jacob, or his enemy. The best thing you can do is stay far away from what lies in the shadow of the statue.
-adam.
The article above has me fuming. I am not against the Olympics because they may interfere with LOST. No, I have always been against the Olympics since I was a young boy because I knew that they were boring. Then one year the Olympics were on NBC and interfered with my Seinfeld viewing, so my hatred doubled because I wasn't going to get to watch the "Babka" episode. And now my arch nemesis; the Olympics is threatening my best friend ever; LOST.
Mark my words ancient games of skill, if you interrupt but a moment of my LOST viewing pleasure, I will personally train in a lame "sport" just so I can get on camera at the Olympic games, and flip your audience, judges and athletes the bird on live TV.
So please do not get in the camera's way of Jacob, or his enemy. The best thing you can do is stay far away from what lies in the shadow of the statue.
-adam.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Heroes
I figured since my last 4 posts this week have been about Hulk Hogan, that the 5th and final post of the week should also be about him (sorta) that way it was a sweet week of the Hulkster.
Now that I have finally met the #1 person I have always wanted to meet. I figured that I'd make a list of those I have met, and those that I would love to meet, sort of like a "hit list" where I get to kill 'em with kindness.
So without further adieu, here is my list:
Andy Kaufman (deceased--but a boy can dream)
Ian Curtis (deceased--but a boy can dream)
Hulk Hogan (would love a second meeting)
Damon Lindelof (Executive Producer and pretty much the top writer for LOST. He wrote my favorite episode "The Constant," and after I saw it I said to myself "I must meet whoever wrote this episode and give them a hug." So whenever you're ready for that hug Damon, I'll be ready also.)
Mark E. Smith (I have a day dream where I make something of myself in the comedy(writing) scene and I meet Mark at a party. I then confess to him that while I was struggling, I downloaded A LOT of the Fall albums, and they kept me going. I then cut him a check to make us "even" and he's cool with that. Then we discuss the Fall, H.P. Lovecraft, and Twin Peaks!)
Davey Havok (met him during the Art of Drowning era, and I'm glad I did then, because now I wouldn't wait on line for 2+ hours--and even then during my intense obsession over him, he disappointed me by not wanting to discuss the Misfits. Farewell old friend.)
Glenn Danzig [circa 1977-1983] (when he was in the Misfits, he was at his coolest peak. After that he steadily became more insane and less awesome.)
David Lynch (super nice, and I'd love to meet him again, although I won't pay $90 the next time)
Ken Colly (Admiral Piett himself, super nice guy, and I'd love to pick up where we left off...him signing my memorabilia for free, and sticking it to the convention people.)
Stephen Colbert (great guy, but hard of hearing if you ask him if he is a fan of Andy Kaufman. But he's more than eager to tell you his favorite Lord of the Rings character--Faramir-- and happy to tell you who would win in a fight to the death; Cap'n Crunch or Count Chocula--"Cap'n crunch has crunch cannons.")
Zach Galifianakis (very nice, especially when you can't make it into his show. But he does tend to care more about what attractive women say to him when they touch his shoulder, as opposed to fat, geeky, aspiring comics...thanks a lot, Kristen!)
Leo Allen (met him at a stand-up show. I told him that I appreciate everything he's done. He seemed genuinely appreciative of my compliment...so yea, we're best friends now! haha)
Jon Glaser (I'd love to meet him, but I'd love even more to be on the same show as him. That would kick major ass!)
Any Joy Division Members (since they did help make my favorite songs, ha)
Mick Foley (ridiculously nice...especially with kids, and he writes interesting books...what a combo.)
Efrem Schultz and the rest of Death by Stereo (glad I met them back in 05, because I stopped rocking them not too long afterward. Sorry gang.)
John Pettibone (met him 2 times and he is the nicest guy ever. We discussed Joy Division--his favorite song is Novelty because "it hits home"--and he gave 2 free stickers to my friend, so nice)
Ian Leck of Voorhees (I'd love to let him know that his vocals are the best!)
Tony Miles (deceased--but a boy can dream)
Keanu Reeves (Has been a favorite actor of mine since I was young and first saw Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. Since then I am immediately interested in any film he appears in-save the Lake House, and the Day the Earth Stood Still)
Bill Pullman (another favorite actor of mine. While everyone was excited for a summer blockbuster starring Will Smith, I was more than happy to see Bill Pullman as the President.)
Lance Henriksen (after falling in love with his character, Frank Black, on MillenniuM I have desired to meet him for quite a while. I also hear that he is super nice.)
Kyle Machlachlan (played Agent Dale Cooper on Twin Peaks, and seems to be an all-around nice guy, Diane. <--semi-TP reference)
Masi Oka (the actor who plays Hiro Nakamura. HE is the reason why I watch Heroes still--no matter how bad it's been since season 2. They keep hinting at his character dying and if that happens, they will lose a viewer for good...me. I just love when he makes his face jiggle while trying to freeze time or time-travel)
Franz Kafka (deceased--but a boy can dream)
Bauhaus (any member will do since I've recently fallen for Tones on Tail, and have been into Love & Rockets for a while. I'd be thrilled to meet anyone of them--but if I had my pick I'd go for Peter Murphy, of course.)
----And now to end the gay rumors, I'll put women on this list also----
Madchen Amick (played Shelly Johnson on Twin Peaks and I consider her to be the most beautiful woman in the moving pictures since TP debuted. Super pal Chontel agrees.)
Hayden Panettiere (Claire-bear on Heroes. I believe she's attractive. Super pal Chontel does not agree, and makes fun of me for this. Boo-hoo.)
So there we have it. I'm sure I forgot someone but this list looks pretty complete to me. 95% male, 3% deceased, 2% female. NOTE: I fought like hell to not put in fictional characters, sorry Emperor Palpatine.
-a.
Now that I have finally met the #1 person I have always wanted to meet. I figured that I'd make a list of those I have met, and those that I would love to meet, sort of like a "hit list" where I get to kill 'em with kindness.
So without further adieu, here is my list:
Andy Kaufman (deceased--but a boy can dream)
Ian Curtis (deceased--but a boy can dream)
Hulk Hogan (would love a second meeting)
Damon Lindelof (Executive Producer and pretty much the top writer for LOST. He wrote my favorite episode "The Constant," and after I saw it I said to myself "I must meet whoever wrote this episode and give them a hug." So whenever you're ready for that hug Damon, I'll be ready also.)
Mark E. Smith (I have a day dream where I make something of myself in the comedy(writing) scene and I meet Mark at a party. I then confess to him that while I was struggling, I downloaded A LOT of the Fall albums, and they kept me going. I then cut him a check to make us "even" and he's cool with that. Then we discuss the Fall, H.P. Lovecraft, and Twin Peaks!)
Davey Havok (met him during the Art of Drowning era, and I'm glad I did then, because now I wouldn't wait on line for 2+ hours--and even then during my intense obsession over him, he disappointed me by not wanting to discuss the Misfits. Farewell old friend.)
Glenn Danzig [circa 1977-1983] (when he was in the Misfits, he was at his coolest peak. After that he steadily became more insane and less awesome.)
David Lynch (super nice, and I'd love to meet him again, although I won't pay $90 the next time)
Ken Colly (Admiral Piett himself, super nice guy, and I'd love to pick up where we left off...him signing my memorabilia for free, and sticking it to the convention people.)
Stephen Colbert (great guy, but hard of hearing if you ask him if he is a fan of Andy Kaufman. But he's more than eager to tell you his favorite Lord of the Rings character--Faramir-- and happy to tell you who would win in a fight to the death; Cap'n Crunch or Count Chocula--"Cap'n crunch has crunch cannons.")
Zach Galifianakis (very nice, especially when you can't make it into his show. But he does tend to care more about what attractive women say to him when they touch his shoulder, as opposed to fat, geeky, aspiring comics...thanks a lot, Kristen!)
Leo Allen (met him at a stand-up show. I told him that I appreciate everything he's done. He seemed genuinely appreciative of my compliment...so yea, we're best friends now! haha)
Jon Glaser (I'd love to meet him, but I'd love even more to be on the same show as him. That would kick major ass!)
Any Joy Division Members (since they did help make my favorite songs, ha)
Mick Foley (ridiculously nice...especially with kids, and he writes interesting books...what a combo.)
Efrem Schultz and the rest of Death by Stereo (glad I met them back in 05, because I stopped rocking them not too long afterward. Sorry gang.)
John Pettibone (met him 2 times and he is the nicest guy ever. We discussed Joy Division--his favorite song is Novelty because "it hits home"--and he gave 2 free stickers to my friend, so nice)
Ian Leck of Voorhees (I'd love to let him know that his vocals are the best!)
Tony Miles (deceased--but a boy can dream)
Keanu Reeves (Has been a favorite actor of mine since I was young and first saw Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. Since then I am immediately interested in any film he appears in-save the Lake House, and the Day the Earth Stood Still)
Bill Pullman (another favorite actor of mine. While everyone was excited for a summer blockbuster starring Will Smith, I was more than happy to see Bill Pullman as the President.)
Lance Henriksen (after falling in love with his character, Frank Black, on MillenniuM I have desired to meet him for quite a while. I also hear that he is super nice.)
Kyle Machlachlan (played Agent Dale Cooper on Twin Peaks, and seems to be an all-around nice guy, Diane. <--semi-TP reference)
Masi Oka (the actor who plays Hiro Nakamura. HE is the reason why I watch Heroes still--no matter how bad it's been since season 2. They keep hinting at his character dying and if that happens, they will lose a viewer for good...me. I just love when he makes his face jiggle while trying to freeze time or time-travel)
Franz Kafka (deceased--but a boy can dream)
Bauhaus (any member will do since I've recently fallen for Tones on Tail, and have been into Love & Rockets for a while. I'd be thrilled to meet anyone of them--but if I had my pick I'd go for Peter Murphy, of course.)
----And now to end the gay rumors, I'll put women on this list also----
Madchen Amick (played Shelly Johnson on Twin Peaks and I consider her to be the most beautiful woman in the moving pictures since TP debuted. Super pal Chontel agrees.)
Hayden Panettiere (Claire-bear on Heroes. I believe she's attractive. Super pal Chontel does not agree, and makes fun of me for this. Boo-hoo.)
So there we have it. I'm sure I forgot someone but this list looks pretty complete to me. 95% male, 3% deceased, 2% female. NOTE: I fought like hell to not put in fictional characters, sorry Emperor Palpatine.
-a.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
I lied to every one of my friends :(
It's true (finally). I said that I was not going to read Hogan's new book because it had nothing to do with his wrestling career. But after meeting him, it felt appropriate to just take a gander.
And now after 2 days I am more than halfway through his book, AND it does include discussions on his wrestling career-but not as detailed as I had hoped. At least they are there though. It's a quick and interesting read (especially for 26 year old Hulkamaniacs!)
So do yourself a favor and pick it up because no one will be borrowing my copy since it's signed. (those same rules apply to my signed copy of Twin Peaks and my copy of Black Sails in the Sunset sorry friends)
-a.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Whatcha' Gonna Do!? (Part 3)
It finally happened. After twenty-six years of waiting I have finally met my favorite living person. I've daydreamed of this day, it usually ended with us grabbing lunch and watching his greatest matches in one sitting, while discussing the cool behind-the-scenes drama regarding the outcome of each match. Not to be picky but sadly it did not happen that way--but it was still AWESOME!
Normally I'm early or right on time to something, but yesterday I swore that I had to return to Barnes & Noble with my ticket at 4:30 pm. At 3:52pm I happened to look at my ticket to see it read: "If you are numbers 1-250 you must be on line by 4 pm."
Without thinking I ran out my house and drove as fast (and safe) as possible to the bookstore. Luckily for me the book store is five minutes away, but still this is the moment I've waited so long for that it was so stupid of me to confuse the time to be there by.
I took the first parking space I could find and ran for the line. They were just letting numbers 20-100 inside. I got in line and was led upstairs, where they placed us in numerical order.
Anticipation set in over the course of sixty-plus minutes of waiting.
Finally it was time, people were cheering and all I could see was a pink bandanna, and Jimmy Hart walk by. Then before I knew it the line was moving...quickly.
I asked the nice people behind me if they'd be so kind as to take a few pictures of me with the Hulkster. They were happy to oblige, and I was even happier that they were happy to oblige.
Then it happened, I was face to face with the Icon Hulk Hogan. Naturally for such an event I wore my Hulkamania shirt. He dropped his marker and said "I like the shirt, bro" and went to shake my hand. SO I said in my coolest voice: "I like YOU, a lot!"
Then our handshake was over and he was already signing, so I figured that I should fill the silence, and I did by saying: "I have been such a huge fan of yours since I was a little kid. This is so BADASS!" The Hulkster slammed my book shut, and extended his hand another time for hand shake #2! I was super jazzed to touch palms, and he said "Thank you for coming down." (PSsssshhh, what is he thanking me for? I didn't bodyslam Andre the Giant) So this little man inside of me who has been trained to speak with sultans said: "Thank you, a thousand times!"
Then that was it--
Or was it? Then I got to shake hands with "The Mouth of the South" Jimmy Hart, who thanked me for stopping by, and I told him that I love him.
Then security and the kind staff at Barnes & Noble made me move away because they needed that area clear. And that was that. It was surreal, badass, and super awesome simultaneously. What a cocktail of emotion.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Whatcha' Gonna Do!? (Part 2)
I just woke up from a nap. That's now two nights of little sleep. Probably because I'm so excited to meet the 6 time WWF and 6 time WCW World Champion HULK HOGAN!
I got up at 6am today (thanks to my dad) and raced to the Barnes & Noble near my house to wait on line. I was relieved to see about twelve Hulkamaniacs already waiting. All I had to do was endure 2.5 hours of standing and I'd definitely meet the man who slaughtered Sgt. Slaughter.
Well I did it. 2.5 hours later the manager of Barnes & Noble came out and handed us tickets that ensure our spot in line to meet him. I got #29, so I guess people ahead of me got extra tickets, but whatever #29 is way better than #413.
I'm leaving in less than an hour to go back and wait on line. It's an exciting time to be alive. Now they said we cannot pose for pictures with "Hollywood" but I'll ask the nice lady who discussed books with me all morning if she'd snap a picture of him signing my book, and me being nervous/excited.
I'm so jazzed, I feel as if I could leg drop Mercury!
Part 3 comes tomorrow.
I got up at 6am today (thanks to my dad) and raced to the Barnes & Noble near my house to wait on line. I was relieved to see about twelve Hulkamaniacs already waiting. All I had to do was endure 2.5 hours of standing and I'd definitely meet the man who slaughtered Sgt. Slaughter.
Well I did it. 2.5 hours later the manager of Barnes & Noble came out and handed us tickets that ensure our spot in line to meet him. I got #29, so I guess people ahead of me got extra tickets, but whatever #29 is way better than #413.
I'm leaving in less than an hour to go back and wait on line. It's an exciting time to be alive. Now they said we cannot pose for pictures with "Hollywood" but I'll ask the nice lady who discussed books with me all morning if she'd snap a picture of him signing my book, and me being nervous/excited.
I'm so jazzed, I feel as if I could leg drop Mercury!
Part 3 comes tomorrow.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Whatcha' Gonna Do!? (Part 1)
I set very high goals for myself as a child. 1) Get a dog. 2) Get an in-ground pool. 3) Get a house that includes stairs. (basements do NOT count!) and 4) Meet Hulk Hogan.
I never lost that Hulkamaniac inside of me. He stayed strong saying his prayers, taking his vitamins, training (well not really), and believing in himself (also not really). But nonetheless he stayed strong. And finally the week of my 26th birthday I shall meet the Icon Hulk Hogan at a local Barnes & Noble.
Tomorrow is the day. I'm more excited than when Marty Jannety returned after having Shawn Michael's smash his face into glass at the Barbershop corner, I'm more dazzled than the "Million Dollar Man," Bobby "the Brain" Heenan, and Andre combined when they saw Miss Elizabeth remove her skirt at SummerSlam, and dare I say more pumped than when the Hulkster body slammed Andre the Giant at WreslteMania III.
How will this turn out? I'd like to say "epic" but that's an understatement.
Part 2 comes tomorrow.
I never lost that Hulkamaniac inside of me. He stayed strong saying his prayers, taking his vitamins, training (well not really), and believing in himself (also not really). But nonetheless he stayed strong. And finally the week of my 26th birthday I shall meet the Icon Hulk Hogan at a local Barnes & Noble.
Tomorrow is the day. I'm more excited than when Marty Jannety returned after having Shawn Michael's smash his face into glass at the Barbershop corner, I'm more dazzled than the "Million Dollar Man," Bobby "the Brain" Heenan, and Andre combined when they saw Miss Elizabeth remove her skirt at SummerSlam, and dare I say more pumped than when the Hulkster body slammed Andre the Giant at WreslteMania III.
How will this turn out? I'd like to say "epic" but that's an understatement.
Part 2 comes tomorrow.
Friday, October 23, 2009
I'm Not Asian.
Growing up I had a best friend. His name was Michael, and after three years of being friends he asked me if I was Chinese. I laughed and said "no." Then I asked him if he ever noticed my love for pizza, and raviolis. He just still assumed I was Chinese until the day he asked me that question.
I went to my local library to meet NY Times best-selling author and WWF wrestler: Mick Foley, to have him sign my copy of his book; Have a Nice Day! I introduced myself as "Adam" and he signed my glorious paperback edition and I was on my merry way--until I got into my car. You see, he signed it "To Ada." Unsure if you guys know, but "Ada" is a women's name in Japan. (NOTE: see Ada Wong from Resident Evil 2)
Last night I got to go to Danny's Upstairs, it's a comedy club in New Jersey, and while I walked by Danny Aiello, I heard him ask to one of my friends in comedy: "Who's the Asian?" I was sure that I was mistaken, but I still asked said comedy friend if Danny Aiello did in fact assume that I was Asian. He laughed and was impressed that I heard this random question.
So I have one old friend and two celebrities assume I am a man of the Orient. Most of the time people ask if I am Hispanic or Jewish, and sometimes gay. But the three mentioned above just assumed I was Asian, and went with it. I must say that I am impressed that they were so strong with their beliefs, and I am not offended or anything. I just find it weird that people interpret me so differently...especially the celebs.
I went to my local library to meet NY Times best-selling author and WWF wrestler: Mick Foley, to have him sign my copy of his book; Have a Nice Day! I introduced myself as "Adam" and he signed my glorious paperback edition and I was on my merry way--until I got into my car. You see, he signed it "To Ada." Unsure if you guys know, but "Ada" is a women's name in Japan. (NOTE: see Ada Wong from Resident Evil 2)
Last night I got to go to Danny's Upstairs, it's a comedy club in New Jersey, and while I walked by Danny Aiello, I heard him ask to one of my friends in comedy: "Who's the Asian?" I was sure that I was mistaken, but I still asked said comedy friend if Danny Aiello did in fact assume that I was Asian. He laughed and was impressed that I heard this random question.
So I have one old friend and two celebrities assume I am a man of the Orient. Most of the time people ask if I am Hispanic or Jewish, and sometimes gay. But the three mentioned above just assumed I was Asian, and went with it. I must say that I am impressed that they were so strong with their beliefs, and I am not offended or anything. I just find it weird that people interpret me so differently...especially the celebs.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Philosophers on Trains: "$4.25"
Yesterday was my TV script-writing class in NYC, so naturally I had to take the train yet again. My class was sadly canceled, and we all left early. I luckily snagged the 7:44pm train and was happy to know that I'd be home by 9:10pm. But dark clouds were gathering.
You see, the 7:44pm train is considered to be a "peak" train. That means a lot of people tend to be on the train at that time, so the powers that be at the Long Island Rail Road decide to charge more money for each rider. So my ticket that was originally $21.50, now jumped up a whopping $4.25 because yuppies flood the train cars.
I felt as if the lady conductor was mistaken when she told me that I owed an additional $4.25. I wanted to explain that I'm not a rich yuppie traveling home to go antiquing. I'm trying to make it in the entertainment biz and as such, am low, low, low on funds. But I couldn't help but feel as if my words would not matter.
But, lucky for the LIRR, I have a suggestion for them. They should only charge the peak prices for people in a full suit. That way it's obvious those with jackets, suits, and ties can afford the annoying peak charge, while us norms can enjoy being screwed at the normal rate.
To me that sounds fair!
You see, the 7:44pm train is considered to be a "peak" train. That means a lot of people tend to be on the train at that time, so the powers that be at the Long Island Rail Road decide to charge more money for each rider. So my ticket that was originally $21.50, now jumped up a whopping $4.25 because yuppies flood the train cars.
I felt as if the lady conductor was mistaken when she told me that I owed an additional $4.25. I wanted to explain that I'm not a rich yuppie traveling home to go antiquing. I'm trying to make it in the entertainment biz and as such, am low, low, low on funds. But I couldn't help but feel as if my words would not matter.
But, lucky for the LIRR, I have a suggestion for them. They should only charge the peak prices for people in a full suit. That way it's obvious those with jackets, suits, and ties can afford the annoying peak charge, while us norms can enjoy being screwed at the normal rate.
To me that sounds fair!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Do Terminators have cooling fans inside them?
There was a time when I feared the date August 11, 1999 thanks to the first two Terminator films. It was scary to a child because 1) the date wasn't that far from when the films were released, and 2) because soulless robots were going to eradicate each and every human being.
Today my laptop has stopped working yet again, because of the stupid cooling fan missing a blade or two, so the damn computer believes it is overheating and decides to not start up.
For those of you wondering; yes, I stopped fearing the robotic maestroed apocalypse plenty of years ago, but now I have a firm belief that they will be even easier to thwart if their fans also crap out. Let's just hope SkyNet uses cheap, crappy plastic for the simple interior parts.
-adam.
Today my laptop has stopped working yet again, because of the stupid cooling fan missing a blade or two, so the damn computer believes it is overheating and decides to not start up.
For those of you wondering; yes, I stopped fearing the robotic maestroed apocalypse plenty of years ago, but now I have a firm belief that they will be even easier to thwart if their fans also crap out. Let's just hope SkyNet uses cheap, crappy plastic for the simple interior parts.
-adam.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Judging Films by Titles
I almost always judge books, films, TV shows, video games, and music by the title or cover to the product. Here's me doing what I do best, dismissing current films based on their title:
Stepfather: sounds very dramatic. I'm not into dramatic, then I see the tag line: "Daddy's Home," and I keep walking.
Law Abiding Citizen: This sounds like the most boring crap. I just picture people not Jay-Walking or not parking in Fire Zones. I don't condone doing those things, and I don't condone watching a film that teaches you just that.
Zombieland: OK, here we go; this film sounds like a winning ticket, until I see that it's a comedy. Yes, Shaun of the Dead was a comedy centered around zombies, but that worked, and I must assume this doesn't.
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs: Love the title, when Judi and Ron Barrett wrote the book this film is based on, they must've known that no one in the history of the world will ever have a title like that. Sadly it looks too "childish" for my tastes, so I must keep looking.
Where the Wild Things Are: Yet another children's book turned film, and there's nothing wrong with that. What is wrong with that is I never really read the book, so I don't have that attachment to the story that my friends do. I was busy reading books on the Indiana Jones trilogy as a kid...thanks Scholastic.
Paranormal Activity: OK, this title sells me fast. But I have a problem with ghosts since I do not believe in them. No, I also do not believe that Luke Skywalker actually destroyed the Death Star, or that there even was a real Death Star to begin with BUT I like to pretend that it did happen. Therein lies the difference friends. Also I heard this may be scary, and I hate being scared, unless it's a Silent Hill game. Then I'm all...well, game.
I thank you for reading my reviews on the current line-up of films that LA-LA land has vomited our way. Until they release something I care about, I'll be home re-watching LOST in anticipation for the finale season.
Stepfather: sounds very dramatic. I'm not into dramatic, then I see the tag line: "Daddy's Home," and I keep walking.
Law Abiding Citizen: This sounds like the most boring crap. I just picture people not Jay-Walking or not parking in Fire Zones. I don't condone doing those things, and I don't condone watching a film that teaches you just that.
Zombieland: OK, here we go; this film sounds like a winning ticket, until I see that it's a comedy. Yes, Shaun of the Dead was a comedy centered around zombies, but that worked, and I must assume this doesn't.
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs: Love the title, when Judi and Ron Barrett wrote the book this film is based on, they must've known that no one in the history of the world will ever have a title like that. Sadly it looks too "childish" for my tastes, so I must keep looking.
Where the Wild Things Are: Yet another children's book turned film, and there's nothing wrong with that. What is wrong with that is I never really read the book, so I don't have that attachment to the story that my friends do. I was busy reading books on the Indiana Jones trilogy as a kid...thanks Scholastic.
Paranormal Activity: OK, this title sells me fast. But I have a problem with ghosts since I do not believe in them. No, I also do not believe that Luke Skywalker actually destroyed the Death Star, or that there even was a real Death Star to begin with BUT I like to pretend that it did happen. Therein lies the difference friends. Also I heard this may be scary, and I hate being scared, unless it's a Silent Hill game. Then I'm all...well, game.
I thank you for reading my reviews on the current line-up of films that LA-LA land has vomited our way. Until they release something I care about, I'll be home re-watching LOST in anticipation for the finale season.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Worst Airline Ever
I recently got an email from Super Pal Kristen, with a link to Perez Hilton.com It's an article saying that a plane will crash on Desperate Housewives this season, and the airline is none other than Oceanic.
So that means not only have they lost Flight 815 and stopped looking for it thanks to Charles Widmore staging a rescue for a bogus Flight 815, but now they have had another plane crash in a residential area!!!
All geekdom aside, I think this is a very neat idea to have a cross-over with a fictitious company in a show, I just wish it was a cooler show that it was happening on. Also I wish it was a cooler company like the Aratech Corporation.
I guess my geekdom was certainly not put aside...sorry.
-a.
So that means not only have they lost Flight 815 and stopped looking for it thanks to Charles Widmore staging a rescue for a bogus Flight 815, but now they have had another plane crash in a residential area!!!
All geekdom aside, I think this is a very neat idea to have a cross-over with a fictitious company in a show, I just wish it was a cooler show that it was happening on. Also I wish it was a cooler company like the Aratech Corporation.
I guess my geekdom was certainly not put aside...sorry.
-a.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Philosophers on Trains: "Goddess"
Yet again, I have taken another amazing train ride near another "brilliant," and loud passenger. (Notice which adjective is housed in quotations).
This mademoiselle expressed her interest in such mind-blowing TV series' such as Entourage, and Dexter, and missing out on deep conversations with me about LOST. She then reminisced sourly on a time when her friend got mad at her for sitting upright (clearly her friend is not a flight attendant) and then hitting on her by calling her a "goddess," and a "delicate flower." Her friend is indeed dead wrong, because I'd like to think that the goddesses of Greek mythology know the difference between a house and a condo when they hit their early 20's.
Although she has collected minimal data on common knowledge, her and I do agree on one thing; and that is being surprised that she knows someone who has pierced her sternum. When her friend announced that, I was shocked to know that that was possible. As was she.
So cheers to you Long Island's Delicate Flower, may you know the difference between a house and condo before you put a down payment on a flat.
This mademoiselle expressed her interest in such mind-blowing TV series' such as Entourage, and Dexter, and missing out on deep conversations with me about LOST. She then reminisced sourly on a time when her friend got mad at her for sitting upright (clearly her friend is not a flight attendant) and then hitting on her by calling her a "goddess," and a "delicate flower." Her friend is indeed dead wrong, because I'd like to think that the goddesses of Greek mythology know the difference between a house and a condo when they hit their early 20's.
Although she has collected minimal data on common knowledge, her and I do agree on one thing; and that is being surprised that she knows someone who has pierced her sternum. When her friend announced that, I was shocked to know that that was possible. As was she.
So cheers to you Long Island's Delicate Flower, may you know the difference between a house and condo before you put a down payment on a flat.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Hard Times
Jamie Foxx has recently told Parade magazine that: "It's hard being a celebrity." He couldn't be more correct. Nothing is harder than making a sex tape, having it "leak," getting into disputes with the paparazzi, letting photographers snap upskirt shots of yourself, AND raising a child.
If you think that's hard, then you haven't heard the hardest part; not having talent. It's more of a suggestion in Hollywood these days. If you make jokes about Pedophilia (not mocking the sicko in it) or have "killer" material that involves poor ventriloquism, or wear a low-cut shirt you get to move ahead of the audition line because well "you're gonna be a star!"
Now I know nothing of what I said above remotely relates to Jamie Foxx and that is because he hasn't done anything stupid or immoral. I just needed his quote to mock those "stars" I hate and cannot wait to see burn out finally.
FLEX YOUR HEAD!
NOTE: I also realized majority of my attacks seem to target women, but that is strictly because I hate the socialites smeared in every medium. Apologies, ladies.
If you think that's hard, then you haven't heard the hardest part; not having talent. It's more of a suggestion in Hollywood these days. If you make jokes about Pedophilia (not mocking the sicko in it) or have "killer" material that involves poor ventriloquism, or wear a low-cut shirt you get to move ahead of the audition line because well "you're gonna be a star!"
Now I know nothing of what I said above remotely relates to Jamie Foxx and that is because he hasn't done anything stupid or immoral. I just needed his quote to mock those "stars" I hate and cannot wait to see burn out finally.
FLEX YOUR HEAD!
NOTE: I also realized majority of my attacks seem to target women, but that is strictly because I hate the socialites smeared in every medium. Apologies, ladies.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Apparently Even I Have Flaws.
As all of you know. I have been on TV a total of one times. And about a week ago I had the opportunity to double that number by being on a music trivia show aired on FUSE. I signed up and headed for my audition dressed in my usual interview/audition attire: Grey slacks with thin white stripes, a white long sleeved button-up, with a powder blue sweater over it. I also rock my swank grey sneakers which go great with my slacks.
I was seen early because as always, I showed up early, and was given a chance to dazzle the casting crew Dazzler style. I answered a handful of simple questions ranging from A-Ha, to Run-DMC, to Kelly Osbourne. Then I was asked to explain my musical taste(s). They then snagged a copy of my headshot and I've yet to hear from those bastards.
I'm sorry that you have no taste casting crew. Do I need to remind you that I was on TV already? I'm in demand right now. I'm literally like two steps away from being the next Pat Sajack, I just refuse to take those two dreadful steps because I hate him and everything he represents: cheap suits and cheaper jokes.
So I'll take your lack of call as a sign of respect. I'll assume by you not calling, that you saw my true potential, to be this world's next Patrick Duffy.
I was seen early because as always, I showed up early, and was given a chance to dazzle the casting crew Dazzler style. I answered a handful of simple questions ranging from A-Ha, to Run-DMC, to Kelly Osbourne. Then I was asked to explain my musical taste(s). They then snagged a copy of my headshot and I've yet to hear from those bastards.
I'm sorry that you have no taste casting crew. Do I need to remind you that I was on TV already? I'm in demand right now. I'm literally like two steps away from being the next Pat Sajack, I just refuse to take those two dreadful steps because I hate him and everything he represents: cheap suits and cheaper jokes.
So I'll take your lack of call as a sign of respect. I'll assume by you not calling, that you saw my true potential, to be this world's next Patrick Duffy.
Monday, October 12, 2009
BONUS!
I am currently taking a spec script writing class that is simply amazing for many different reasons. I not only get to gain new knowledge on this craft, but I will get knowledge on how to score up a job with it. (YAY!)
Now to get to the class I will be taking the train, which will be a great way to gather material for a new Thursday theme for this blog: "Philosophers on Trains." I'll regurgitate the genius from some people who perhaps shouldn't exercise their minds and mouths in public places.
But in addition to all of these perks, there is one bonus that rocks harder than a mountain side, and that is the store "The Compleat Strategist" located on East 33rd street before Madison Avenue (which is on my way to my class). They specialize in wargames and it will surely be a fun place to browse and eventually buy a swank board game from. I'm eager to see my decision, and I know that you guys are too.
Stay tuned!
-a.
Now to get to the class I will be taking the train, which will be a great way to gather material for a new Thursday theme for this blog: "Philosophers on Trains." I'll regurgitate the genius from some people who perhaps shouldn't exercise their minds and mouths in public places.
But in addition to all of these perks, there is one bonus that rocks harder than a mountain side, and that is the store "The Compleat Strategist" located on East 33rd street before Madison Avenue (which is on my way to my class). They specialize in wargames and it will surely be a fun place to browse and eventually buy a swank board game from. I'm eager to see my decision, and I know that you guys are too.
Stay tuned!
-a.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Philosophers on Trains: "Plato"
I now take a spec script writing class at NYU on Wednesday evenings. So that means I need to "ride the rails" into Manhattan. While doing so I heard a few pearls of wisdom that I cannot ignore.
The first one actually impressed me a bit because someone outside of me had a plan for cheating a polygraph or "lie detector test." He said that if you ask yourself a question with the answer you need to lie about, you'll trick your brain into answering "truthfully." I was amazed after hearing this. Finally, someone like me. But that happiness crashed and burned when he said "So just ask yourself: do you want to suck this guy's dick?"
Tsk, tsk. My plan was always to ask myself "Have you ever beaten Super Mario 1?" No, no you have not. I know that seems odd to some of you who know me. I love video games and have beaten/obsessed over many. But I have yet to defeat the most fundamental of games.
Besides being upset over the "D-S'ing" and Super Mario making me his bitch. This genius on the tracks also spouted such brilliance as: "I can't believe the friends who I thought were half-retarded are getting their doctrines!"
That must be a hard Whopper to swallow descendant of Plato, but what's harder is your disregard for badmouthing those with ailments. I'd say "for shame" but it seems to me that it would just ring on deaf ears.
The first one actually impressed me a bit because someone outside of me had a plan for cheating a polygraph or "lie detector test." He said that if you ask yourself a question with the answer you need to lie about, you'll trick your brain into answering "truthfully." I was amazed after hearing this. Finally, someone like me. But that happiness crashed and burned when he said "So just ask yourself: do you want to suck this guy's dick?"
Tsk, tsk. My plan was always to ask myself "Have you ever beaten Super Mario 1?" No, no you have not. I know that seems odd to some of you who know me. I love video games and have beaten/obsessed over many. But I have yet to defeat the most fundamental of games.
Besides being upset over the "D-S'ing" and Super Mario making me his bitch. This genius on the tracks also spouted such brilliance as: "I can't believe the friends who I thought were half-retarded are getting their doctrines!"
That must be a hard Whopper to swallow descendant of Plato, but what's harder is your disregard for badmouthing those with ailments. I'd say "for shame" but it seems to me that it would just ring on deaf ears.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Rebels vs Imperials 1997
2:30 pm in the middle of the summer. The sun was shining, and pools were flowing, begging for those who sweat to keep them company. It was the perfect day to hide from society in my damp, furnished basement. Joey Saladino and I made plans to play Star Wars Customizable Card Game (SWCCG) for the afternoon. We shuffled our decks (he was dark side, and I was stuck as light side), we then cut each others deck, and set up our starting locations. I then proceeded to go first (since Joey started with the Death Star system, allowing the Light Side to go first this game).
I started with the Hoth: 1st Marker Main Power Generators and the 4th Marker. So I was safe (for now). I deployed an Echo Base Trooper to the 1st Marker and a Y-Wing to the 4th Marker. Drew a card and ended my turn.
He deployed the Death Star: Conference Room and someone like Admiral Motti to there also. He then drew the top card of his reserve deck and said “go.”
I activated my force and force drained him for one with my Y-Wing, then conceded my turn.
Joey activated force and magically deployed two (yes, two!) Victory-Class Star Destroyers. I questioned him on it and he dismissed my reluctance to believe his maneuver. I asked again how he could deploy two Star Destroyers when he could only generate six force a turn and he had already spent about three from his first turn leaving a total of seven force to pay for deployment (because of the remaining one force from his first turn), and then somehow deploying two Victory-Class Star Destroyers which each cost six force.
I then had to physically show him the debt of force he had by rummaging through his used pile. He then responded with “ALRIGHT! I won’t deploy them OK? It’s going to happen anyway so I don’t know why you’re complaining?”
“WHAT!? I’m ‘complaining’ because you deploying both of those starships causes me ten damage, that is 1/6 of my deck. By not letting you cheat, I’m saving…”
Joey then interrupted: “ALRIGHT! I won’t deploy them. It’s your turn.”
(we proceeded to play and regardless of who won [Joey] it was a heated battle between the Rebels and the Imperials on the frozen planet of Hoth in the hot summer of 1997).
I started with the Hoth: 1st Marker Main Power Generators and the 4th Marker. So I was safe (for now). I deployed an Echo Base Trooper to the 1st Marker and a Y-Wing to the 4th Marker. Drew a card and ended my turn.
He deployed the Death Star: Conference Room and someone like Admiral Motti to there also. He then drew the top card of his reserve deck and said “go.”
I activated my force and force drained him for one with my Y-Wing, then conceded my turn.
Joey activated force and magically deployed two (yes, two!) Victory-Class Star Destroyers. I questioned him on it and he dismissed my reluctance to believe his maneuver. I asked again how he could deploy two Star Destroyers when he could only generate six force a turn and he had already spent about three from his first turn leaving a total of seven force to pay for deployment (because of the remaining one force from his first turn), and then somehow deploying two Victory-Class Star Destroyers which each cost six force.
I then had to physically show him the debt of force he had by rummaging through his used pile. He then responded with “ALRIGHT! I won’t deploy them OK? It’s going to happen anyway so I don’t know why you’re complaining?”
“WHAT!? I’m ‘complaining’ because you deploying both of those starships causes me ten damage, that is 1/6 of my deck. By not letting you cheat, I’m saving…”
Joey then interrupted: “ALRIGHT! I won’t deploy them. It’s your turn.”
(we proceeded to play and regardless of who won [Joey] it was a heated battle between the Rebels and the Imperials on the frozen planet of Hoth in the hot summer of 1997).
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
I Hate Bugs: Camel Cricket
Those who know me know my biggest fear (spiders). But there is another species of spider that lurks in my basement. It is the Camel Cricket. It's a cricket and spider hybrid with the ability to jump high (knee height) and quickly. It also never retreats but jumps TOWARDS it's attacker. It recently hopped through my legs, almost toying with me as a predator - note: I soon killed him!
Through out the years my main way to kill them was calling my dad to do it, but he got tired of helping his "daughter." So then I moved on to the vacuum style of execution. But that cannot work when the vacuum is upstairs. So I shall let those plagued by these Zelda enemy wannabes in on a little secret:
I kill them by placing my (plastic) garbage can (rightside up) on top of them (for some reason the stupid creature does not avoid this). Now the bottom of the can is slightly domed, so they are not dead (learned that one the hard way)then I scrape the can along to the side which will eventually leave you a greatly crippled camel cricket. From there I finish the job and simultaneously dispose of the carcass with a large amount of paper towels.
I hope this helps rid you of these foul creatures.
-a.
Through out the years my main way to kill them was calling my dad to do it, but he got tired of helping his "daughter." So then I moved on to the vacuum style of execution. But that cannot work when the vacuum is upstairs. So I shall let those plagued by these Zelda enemy wannabes in on a little secret:
I kill them by placing my (plastic) garbage can (rightside up) on top of them (for some reason the stupid creature does not avoid this). Now the bottom of the can is slightly domed, so they are not dead (learned that one the hard way)then I scrape the can along to the side which will eventually leave you a greatly crippled camel cricket. From there I finish the job and simultaneously dispose of the carcass with a large amount of paper towels.
I hope this helps rid you of these foul creatures.
-a.
Monday, October 5, 2009
The Commandant
The commandant was signing off old reports at the close of the work week. Twelve past seventeen hundred, and here the commandant was gracing blank lines with his signature (a one-lined self portrait).
“Commandant?” asked his secretary.
“At ease Audrey. It’s after hours. What can I do for you?”
“Well sir they say that the snow won’t be letting up anytime soon. Perhaps you could escort me to my car as you exit?”
“I’d be honored Audrey, but I won’t be leaving just yet. But there’s always time to help a lady to her car.”
The commandant grabbed his coat and let Audrey lead him the way. He was very happily married once and well over the age to even consider courting her, so the feelings she made him feel were just of genuine kindness. She never once stared at his eye patch nor treated him any differently because he wore one. She neither gave him more or less respect, only his just amount. He appreciated this more than anything. He adored their camaraderie and kinship.
He also missed being looked at and thought of so sincerely since his wife had passed.
They walked single file from the second floor stairs to the first floor, as they came to the exit, the commandant scurried around Audrey to open it for her. She laughed and gave a smile and a nod to let him know it was well appreciated.
“Well you weren’t kidding, Audrey, this snow certainly won’t be letting up anytime soon.”
“I told you sir.”
“And this wind is harsh. I can barely hear you.”
“WHAT?” Audrey exclaimed.
“I said-“
“I know, I was just kidding.”
They now got to walk side by side outdoors, shielding their eyes with their left hand from the snow flurries.
“Well this is my car.”
“I know.” The commandant smiled.
“OK, well please leave soon, and I will see you bright and early Monday morning.”
“O Five Hundred.”
Audrey nodded and got into her car. Threw the lights on, and pumped the heat. Put on her windshield wipers and started to drive off.
As she was about five feet from the commandant he noticed a small man or animal in her backseat. The thing had a nasty habit of shaking, sort of like it was skipping through time by single seconds. It looked up out the back windshield gave an open mouthed smile, showing off it’s black/yellow teeth, and parading it’s bright red tongue between them.
The commandant had no idea what was going on, so he started to run after Audrey’s vehicle and shout to her. But the wind was much too harsh for his words not to be deflected by snow, wind or both. In a moment her car was out of view from the flurries. The commandant knew that he had to get to his car and follow her. As he reached into his coat pocket he noticed that his keys were not there.
“DAMMITT! I must’ve left them at my desk.”
The commandant ran as fast as he could through the snow, bolted up the stairs to the second floor where he met his empty office and desk. He reached for his keys and ran right back out, as he approached the stairs he lost his footing and tumbled, and tumbled and tumbled to the bottom of the stairs. He had a terrible wound on his head.
*****
When he woke up he was surrounded by several men standing over him. He tried to jump to his feet, but they restrained him.
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO ME?!”
“Easy fella’. Just relax. You have a nasty gash on your head that we need to treat.”
“LET GO OF ME!”
”Hold still!” one of the men said.
He fought, and fidgeted but to no avail.
“WHAT DAY IS IT!?” he shouted.
“Please lie still.”
“I’ll lie still if you tell me, damn you!”
“It’s Monday.”
He did not like this one bit. How could three days go by so quickly? He thought to himself. What of Audrey and that vibrating man?
“HELP!”
”LIE STILL DAMMITT!” Said the man with the thick glasses on.
“AUDREY! AUDREY!”
The men holding him down became very silent and looked at the oldest one standing behind them, he was wearing a white lab coat and had a long needle in his hand.
“Who was supposed to give this man his meds last night?”
The men holding the commandant down remained silent.
“WHO!?” The man shouted.
The men started to look about the room, then the one with the glasses broke the awkward silence.
“It was Roberts sir. He had to leave early-“
The doctor interrupted.
“I know he left early! I’ll deal with him later. As for you pathetic clowns, make room for me!”
“Make room for Dr. Ackerman boys!” the largest man of the bunch shouted.
“Now let’s see what happens when we do this.” and with that the doctor flicked the needle with his middle finger.
The room went dark.
*****
The snow was still covering up the parking lot. The commandant saw two dark figures approaching from the east. He couldn’t help but stare. He couldn’t make out who they were but felt a sudden urge to hide. He ran inside a nearby car to cover his frame from the two strangers. They seemed to be laughing, although with this wind it was hard to hear anything. He cowered in the back seat to get warm and got down low.
The driver side door swung open! The door then slammed shut. All that could be heard was a flick of the car lights, the extreme blast of heat pumping into the car, and the subtle thuds of what can only be assumed as the windshield wipers.
The car started to move.
The commandant was rather nervous. He was so afraid to make a sound and startle the driver. So he ever so softly lifted his head and peeked out the rear windshield. He saw the little man shaking, twitching and vibrating once again. His sly, spaced-tooth grin ever so repulsive. He waved good-bye to the commandant, pulled out a tiny flute from his coat pocket and began to play it while prancing in the snow outside of the French Army building.
“What the hell?” The commandant said softly to himself.
The commandant glanced up at the driver who was in fact Audrey. He sighed with relief. At that moment Audrey thought she heard something in the backseat. She cautiously turned her head only to find the shaking man in her backseat full of gaping sharp teeth and devoid of good fortune.
Audrey screamed in absolute terror and lost control of the vehicle. The commandant couldn’t understand why she was screaming at him and telling him to get away. He tried to calm her down, but it was all in vain for she let go of the steering wheel a long time ago. The car slammed into another military building. Both Audrey and the commandant were dead on impact.
*****
In a cold, stainless steel room waits a man in a long lab coat. He stands there with his eyes staring dead straight at the only entranceway to the room. He has been waiting here for quite some time now.
The door opens, and Dr. Ackerman bursts through. He seems to be in a rush.
“Dr. Barton my apologies.”
“What has taken you so damn long Ackerman?!”
“Sir…please give me a second to just…catch…my breath.” Dr. Ackerman hunched over clenching the file he held in his left hand.
Dr. Barton didn’t want excuses, or pardons. He wanted results.
“On with it Ackerman!!”
Dr. Ackerman nodded and did his best to swallow with what little saliva he had remaining in his throat.
“Yes sir. It seems the patient died when I gave him his dose from Monday morning.”
“What were his vitals?”
“They are all here in his chart.” Dr. Ackerman handed Dr. Barton the folder he ran in with. Dr. Barton was reading it over while Ackerman continued.
“When he came to, after the first serum which we gave him Friday afternoon, he seemed intent on knowing what day it was. He also kept screaming for an…um. Just one second I have it written down in my notepad here.” Dr. Ackerman reached into his lab coat front pocket for his notes. “Ah here it is ‘Audrey.’ He kept screaming for a lady named Audrey.”
Dr. Barton looked up from the file. “It says here in the patient’s file that he was married to an Audrey Beaumont for a few years. She was killed in a car accident twenty-two years ago. The Military Police blamed it on the slippery roads since she was driving in a blizzard.”
“Well that makes sense for him to revisit such extreme trauma when induced, but sir what doesn’t seem to have any explanation is the patient’s cause of death.”
“What were his symptoms?”
“No symptoms sir. Now you know he was left strapped to a bed and under round the clock surveillance right?”
“Yes of course! On with it!”
“Well sir, patient 77X4Y, or “the commandant,” apparently suffered and possibly died from a crushed ribcage, broken cheek bones, and intense internal bleeding at about two hours ago.”
A very large smile appeared on Dr. Barton’s aged face.
“Well then the serum seems to be a success, doesn’t it, Dr. Ackerman?”
Friday, October 2, 2009
Be Seeing You
Amazing News! I have just discovered that episodes of the Prisoner are being aired on IFC.
Terrible News! My mom does not like the Prisoner. She gave me her critique of it: "Oh, this is AW-ful, Adam. I can't believe you watch this."
Sadly, she also did not appreciate the bubble that chases people while having an awesome, creepy hum. As usual she just doesn't get her nerdy, out of work, comedy writing son. But then again, what woman could. Pssshhhh...
-a.
Terrible News! My mom does not like the Prisoner. She gave me her critique of it: "Oh, this is AW-ful, Adam. I can't believe you watch this."
Sadly, she also did not appreciate the bubble that chases people while having an awesome, creepy hum. As usual she just doesn't get her nerdy, out of work, comedy writing son. But then again, what woman could. Pssshhhh...
-a.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
I'm a Fifty Year Old Man
I noticed that I dress, act and live out the life of a middle-aged man. I love slacks, thick button-ups, black coffee, early bird specials, reading, staying in, and driving slowly.
Unfortunately I don't have the following traits of a middle-aged man: pension, benefits, job, house and a boat.
Gosh, life's hard when you want to start a band, and have dinner ready by 3:30pm.
Unfortunately I don't have the following traits of a middle-aged man: pension, benefits, job, house and a boat.
Gosh, life's hard when you want to start a band, and have dinner ready by 3:30pm.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Babysitters Unite and Take a Stand!
RIOT!
In Michigan a woman who watches her neighbors kids for one hour a day (inside her house) is being attacked by the Michigan Dept. of Human Resources (as if that's there real name). They claim that she is violating a law in regards to operating a day care center while being unlicensed.
Listen folks, sure it starts with babysitting, but it will certainly not end there. What's next? Banning trick-or-treating because it promotes trespassing? What really gets my goose (and gander!) is that a man from Flint Michigan called me earlier today saying that he saw my resume on monster.com and think that I'd be a great asset to their sales force. Well I will be taking a stand for babysitters across the US nation by ignoring this no name company's phone call -and not just because the caller kept referring to me as "Aydam"- but because I believe in a worry free work force. People should just be able to go all willy-nilly and not worry about "the man" bringing them down.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a child to illegally watch over. That's right, you heard me.
-a.
In Michigan a woman who watches her neighbors kids for one hour a day (inside her house) is being attacked by the Michigan Dept. of Human Resources (as if that's there real name). They claim that she is violating a law in regards to operating a day care center while being unlicensed.
Listen folks, sure it starts with babysitting, but it will certainly not end there. What's next? Banning trick-or-treating because it promotes trespassing? What really gets my goose (and gander!) is that a man from Flint Michigan called me earlier today saying that he saw my resume on monster.com and think that I'd be a great asset to their sales force. Well I will be taking a stand for babysitters across the US nation by ignoring this no name company's phone call -and not just because the caller kept referring to me as "Aydam"- but because I believe in a worry free work force. People should just be able to go all willy-nilly and not worry about "the man" bringing them down.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a child to illegally watch over. That's right, you heard me.
-a.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
3 Year Anniversary!
Today is my 3 year anniversary of doing stand up comedy. Three years ago today I decided to get off my ass, go to Maui Taco in Manhattan, and pay Bill E. Scott $5 to chew gum, read a letter from my dead dog, and sing an acapella rendition of Return of the Fly by the Misfits. And yes, it was as exciting as you assume. The crowd was not too sure what to make of it, and luckily I only did the gum chewing bit one other time (even though I still love it).
Well here's the only surviving video of that night. And don't worry I don't plan on quitting my day job...yet! (I'm actually on my way to an interview).
NOTE: Yes, I did plan out my outfit that night. I knew I'd look my coolest in a purple hoodie, grey pants, and my sweet Quake 4 shirt.
Well here's the only surviving video of that night. And don't worry I don't plan on quitting my day job...yet! (I'm actually on my way to an interview).
NOTE: Yes, I did plan out my outfit that night. I knew I'd look my coolest in a purple hoodie, grey pants, and my sweet Quake 4 shirt.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Plastic Surgery Disasters
Hollywood today is all about who made the latest sex tape, who looks the youngest, and who got the best plastic surgery done. Unfortunately this "trend" or "lifestyle" has breached through to other industries. A hero of mine has fallen, and it is time that I address this issue.
I am ashamed to announce that the figure pictured on the left is none other than Count Chocula. This is what I refer to as his "Joan Rivers" days. His whole face looks like a pair of wax lips. Roger Rabbit doesn't even look this fake. And yet here stands a once strong and prominent figure in our children's sugary mornings. I was lucky enough to sit down with Count Chocula and ask him about these pressing matters:
Adam: Hello Count Chocula.
Count: Hello.
Adam: I'm just going to spearhead this interview.
Count: Go for it.
Adam: Why have you chosen to get plastic surgery?
Count: I'm glad you asked that, you see no one wants to see an lethargic, wrinkled, old man on the cover of their cereal box. They want hot, young sex kittens purring at them to have another bowl. I can't purr if I ain't on the box.
Adam: I understand what you're saying, but what about Tony the Tiger? He never got any work done.
Count: (laughs) Oh is that what you think? Well he did about 4 years ago. That work just can't be shown on the cover of a cereal box.
Adam: Oh my.
[awkward silence]
Adam: Is it true that you and General Mills are currently in disputes? I mean on the most recent box of your cereal they have an old photograph of you.
Count: Yes, they have my old headshot on the cover of the box. No we are not having any problems. I just was sick for a photoshoot. It was near the deadline, and so one of the three gay bakers for Cinnamon Toast Crunch suggested they just use my old headshot, because he had a sufle' in the oven and needed to hurry home from the photoshoot.
Adam: Wait - those bakers are gay?
Count: I'd love to gossip about who's gay in the cereal industry but I really need to get going. Cap'n Crunch promised to take me out on his boat today.
Adam: Oh, well then may I suggest that we do this again?
Count: I'd love to.
Adam: Let me just say "thank you" to my guest Count Chocula. And let me apologize for bashing him for having plastic surgery done. I understand now, and hope to pick his brain and find out more dirt on the people that bring you a balanced breakfast. Until next time!
I am ashamed to announce that the figure pictured on the left is none other than Count Chocula. This is what I refer to as his "Joan Rivers" days. His whole face looks like a pair of wax lips. Roger Rabbit doesn't even look this fake. And yet here stands a once strong and prominent figure in our children's sugary mornings. I was lucky enough to sit down with Count Chocula and ask him about these pressing matters:
Adam: Hello Count Chocula.
Count: Hello.
Adam: I'm just going to spearhead this interview.
Count: Go for it.
Adam: Why have you chosen to get plastic surgery?
Count: I'm glad you asked that, you see no one wants to see an lethargic, wrinkled, old man on the cover of their cereal box. They want hot, young sex kittens purring at them to have another bowl. I can't purr if I ain't on the box.
Adam: I understand what you're saying, but what about Tony the Tiger? He never got any work done.
Count: (laughs) Oh is that what you think? Well he did about 4 years ago. That work just can't be shown on the cover of a cereal box.
Adam: Oh my.
[awkward silence]
Adam: Is it true that you and General Mills are currently in disputes? I mean on the most recent box of your cereal they have an old photograph of you.
Count: Yes, they have my old headshot on the cover of the box. No we are not having any problems. I just was sick for a photoshoot. It was near the deadline, and so one of the three gay bakers for Cinnamon Toast Crunch suggested they just use my old headshot, because he had a sufle' in the oven and needed to hurry home from the photoshoot.Adam: Wait - those bakers are gay?
Count: I'd love to gossip about who's gay in the cereal industry but I really need to get going. Cap'n Crunch promised to take me out on his boat today.
Adam: Oh, well then may I suggest that we do this again?
Count: I'd love to.
Adam: Let me just say "thank you" to my guest Count Chocula. And let me apologize for bashing him for having plastic surgery done. I understand now, and hope to pick his brain and find out more dirt on the people that bring you a balanced breakfast. Until next time!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)