Babysitters Unite and Take a Stand!

RIOT!

In Michigan a woman who watches her neighbors kids for one hour a day (inside her house) is being attacked by the Michigan Dept. of Human Resources (as if that's there real name). They claim that she is violating a law in regards to operating a day care center while being unlicensed.

Listen folks, sure it starts with babysitting, but it will certainly not end there. What's next? Banning trick-or-treating because it promotes trespassing? What really gets my goose (and gander!) is that a man from Flint Michigan called me earlier today saying that he saw my resume on monster.com and think that I'd be a great asset to their sales force. Well I will be taking a stand for babysitters across the US nation by ignoring this no name company's phone call -and not just because the caller kept referring to me as "Aydam"- but because I believe in a worry free work force. People should just be able to go all willy-nilly and not worry about "the man" bringing them down.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a child to illegally watch over. That's right, you heard me.

-a.

3 Year Anniversary!

Today is my 3 year anniversary of doing stand up comedy. Three years ago today I decided to get off my ass, go to Maui Taco in Manhattan, and pay Bill E. Scott $5 to chew gum, read a letter from my dead dog, and sing an acapella rendition of Return of the Fly by the Misfits. And yes, it was as exciting as you assume. The crowd was not too sure what to make of it, and luckily I only did the gum chewing bit one other time (even though I still love it).

Well here's the only surviving video of that night. And don't worry I don't plan on quitting my day job...yet! (I'm actually on my way to an interview).

NOTE: Yes, I did plan out my outfit that night. I knew I'd look my coolest in a purple hoodie, grey pants, and my sweet Quake 4 shirt.

Plastic Surgery Disasters

Hollywood today is all about who made the latest sex tape, who looks the youngest, and who got the best plastic surgery done. Unfortunately this "trend" or "lifestyle" has breached through to other industries. A hero of mine has fallen, and it is time that I address this issue.

I am ashamed to announce that the figure pictured on the left is none other than Count Chocula. This is what I refer to as his "Joan Rivers" days. His whole face looks like a pair of wax lips. Roger Rabbit doesn't even look this fake. And yet here stands a once strong and prominent figure in our children's sugary mornings. I was lucky enough to sit down with Count Chocula and ask him about these pressing matters:

Adam: Hello Count Chocula.
Count: Hello.
Adam: I'm just going to spearhead this interview.
Count: Go for it.
Adam: Why have you chosen to get plastic surgery?
Count: I'm glad you asked that, you see no one wants to see an lethargic, wrinkled, old man on the cover of their cereal box. They want hot, young sex kittens purring at them to have another bowl. I can't purr if I ain't on the box.
Adam: I understand what you're saying, but what about Tony the Tiger? He never got any work done.
Count: (laughs) Oh is that what you think? Well he did about 4 years ago. That work just can't be shown on the cover of a cereal box.
Adam: Oh my.
[awkward silence]
Adam: Is it true that you and General Mills are currently in disputes? I mean on the most recent box of your cereal they have an old photograph of you.
Count: Yes, they have my old headshot on the cover of the box. No we are not having any problems. I just was sick for a photoshoot. It was near the deadline, and so one of the three gay bakers for Cinnamon Toast Crunch suggested they just use my old headshot, because he had a sufle' in the oven and needed to hurry home from the photoshoot.
Adam: Wait - those bakers are gay?
Count: I'd love to gossip about who's gay in the cereal industry but I really need to get going. Cap'n Crunch promised to take me out on his boat today.
Adam: Oh, well then may I suggest that we do this again?
Count: I'd love to.
Adam: Let me just say "thank you" to my guest Count Chocula. And let me apologize for bashing him for having plastic surgery done. I understand now, and hope to pick his brain and find out more dirt on the people that bring you a balanced breakfast. Until next time!

I'm a Traitor to Myself.

Growing up I watched an astronomical amount of TV. If it was a cartoon, I was there. If it was what I perceived as a funny sitcom, I was there. But the days of Stunt Dawgs, Empty Nest, and Wings couldn't last forever. Sure I had Seinfeld, News Radio, and Batman the Animated series to keep me company when I lost my original old friends but it wasn't enough. So when high school ended so did my TV viewing. It dropped steadily until around 2003 or so where all I watched were DVD's (pretty much just the Star Wars and Matrix trilogies). When someone would ask: "Hey, do you watch that show where people eat bugs?" I could proudly say that not only did I not watch that show, but television as a whole could not capture my attention. I was proud to rebuke such an absolute in 98% of America's lives.

I was watching two shows Arrested Development, and the Office. Life was good. It was simple. But then I decided years later to aspire to be a comedic writer for TV, movies or another medium that I couldn't stand. At first it was simple and innocent: "I'll write a spec script for the Office, because I already watch and like that show." But then it snowballed: "I happened to catch an episode of Big Bang Theory, and it was really funny. I'll write a spec script of it, and I'll need to watch the show to stay current, and obviously laugh - which is an awesome fringe benefit."

After the Office, and before Big Bang Theory, I fell for the greatest show ever...LOST. It was natural for me to obsess over this outstanding show. It gives you little hints, and features such cool things as: bunkers, creepy cabins, time-travel, and cool jumpsuits! But after viewing that I wondered if I would like Flash Forward. So I TiVo that now -have yet to see it- I also watch Heroes, Community, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Bored to Death, Parks & Recreation, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and The Colbert Report.

Fastforward to this morning, I mentioned a great show to a friend and realized the number of TV shows I now watch has breached 3. So if I find the time to get away from my computer or TV set and meet up with a person who asks me: "Hey! Have you seen the season premiere of Big Bang Theory?" I must sadly reply with: "Yes I have, and I'm glad I have something to watch after Heroes."

Josh Olson Forgot Where He Started.

http://blogs.villagevoice.com/runninscared/archives/2009/09/i_will_not_read.php

NEWS FLASH! Helping out aspiring writers is no longer cool. Apparently being a prick is the new black this season. That's what Josh Olson the man who penned "A History of Violence" (and other crap that I will never watch) believes.

Now I may have seemed a bit "aggressive" in that last paragraph on how Josh's post affected me -believe me I agree with some of what he said. Some people do just want to write a story, get rich and then blow their new found riches on snuff. But I feel as an accomplished writer who was approached, that he should have felt the kid out. Next time Joshie, Ask a few Q's to see if the nervous person in front of you is legit, or some dork.

Some of you readers may think that my opinion on J. Olson is biased, since I approached (through the web) an accomplished writer who was friends with my boss. I had never met this person face to face, and I asked him to read a spec of mine, because I was eager for a professional to read it as opposed to my friends (no offense to them). Lucky for me, he was more than polite about doing it, and even gave me feedback later that same day! Now I never planned on requesting his services again, but after reading Josh's organized rant, I realized that I was in fact out of line, and incredibly lucky that this less-than-acquaintance was more than willing to help out an aspiring writer who doesn't know where to start.

I'm dedicated, don't plan on making millions, and just love writing. Perhaps that somehow shined through on my email, perhaps this nice writer was feeling so altruistic that he would've critiqued anything with 32 pages attached to an email. But either way I know that he helped me, and I will never forget it, and hope to pass on that genuine kindness to another aspiring writer when I get somewhere, someday. (Sorry for the run on)

-a.